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Hello My Name is Single

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  • #43677
    StraightNoChaser
    Participant

    Hi there it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. I’ve been single for a long time. I haven’t had a relationship since my daughters dead beat dad. But now when I think of it I’ve always struggled with getting and keeping boyfriends. In high school no one was really biting and I settled into a relationship with my good friend at the time. Who I ended up leaving for someone I was very much into but that didn’t really last. Then single for 4 years until I met someone else who I ended up leaving for my daughters dad. In my young life I’ve only had 4 boyfriends that combined only amount to 5 years tops!

    Don’t get me wrong throughout all this i have had many lovers. Not by choice I just could never get ANY to commit to me. And there are men who wanted me that I was definitely not into and after my track record I realized its better to enter a relationship for the right reasons instead of leaving them later. It dawned on me the other day that no one has seen me in a relationship. I’m notoriously single. I can go 2 years without seeing someone and if we were to bump into each other I’d most likely be single . Even with my daughters dad he was such An awful BF(and parent) that he was never around so still no one saw us together really. I bumped into a guy I hooked up with today(well I see him all the time) with his GF and I was the last girl he was with before he met her and he has yet to see me “move on”.

    My ex is going on 3 years with the same girl and I have no one. He’s never had to feel jealousy or anything I’ve felt because I’ve been all alone. My fellow single parents? Oh they all have BFs now. All of my friends are in LNG term relationships. So I never see them and have to find new friends.

    I’m sick of getting rejected and I’m also sick of stupid advice. Like it happens when you’re not looking or whatever because I have been there but it never works out. Part of me has completely given up. I’ve gotten so used to being all alone that I think ill survive if I never meet someone. The other part of me is devastated. I want to have more children and get married. I want my daughter to have a real dad. I don’t get out(obviously) so maybe that could be it but it seems extra difficult for me.

    There must be something wrong with me why no one can love me. It makes me really sad. I’m pretty independent and career driven but I’m still working on the career part so it’s not like I have a super intense job or anything.

    I’m also embarrassed and have so much shame when I see all these people who rejected me on a daily basis living the single mom life. Which I think is a huge billboard that says i can’t get anyone to stay with me.

    I don’t know what else to do my standards have gotten so high the longer I’ve been singe. The way I see it if they’re going to reject me anyway it might as well be worth it.

    🙁

    #43686
    Matt
    Participant

    Chaser,

    I’m sorry for the confusion and suffering you’re experiencing, and know how painful a feeling of isolation can become. Sometimes when we have a deep longing inside us for romance and companionship, it can become a constant nagging reminder of what we don’t have. This drains our energy as surely as a hole in a bucket. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    First, consider that after reading your post, I know almost nothing about you. Who are you? What do you like to do? What do you find nourishing? What brings you joy? Feel free to answer any of these, but also these questions are the ones that produce the keys to the cage you feel you’re in. When we carry around shame, usually from our past moments of being abused, we can feel like we’re not lovable, that something is wrong with us that prevents us from connecting to others.

    This is just baggage, and means very little. Romantic relationships are tricky, and there are many people who find them infrequently and disappointing. It doesn’t mean we’re unworthy, it just is tricky. Those who find them often ignore the fear, the potential for loss, and jump in anyway. Sure, there is every possibility to feel pain, to become rejected, but we jump anyway. Consider checking out Brene Brown’s TED talk about vulnerability. It may strike you well.

    In terms of practical, what to next kind of advice, consider taking up a metta practice. Metta is the feeling of warmth and friendliness that arises in the upper chest, and can be grown and strengthened. This allows us to move through our experiences with more buoyancy, more peace. Sharon Salzburg has a great guided metta meditation on YouTube if you’re interested.

    Another thing to consider is that often other people see us as more beautiful than we do. We look in the mirror and focus on our flaws, see every crack, pimple and wrinkle. This leaves a bad taste in our heart as we criticize our body, and can lead us to “pre-rejection”. We imagine what we must look like to others, and decide they think we’re ugly without ever asking them what they see. For instance, you feel lonely and unlovable, so when you see others looking at you, you assume they see an unlovable single mother. Perhaps that never even occurs to them. When I see single mothers I am astounded and impressed that they can do it. I have two kids, and a wife, and I am exhausted by them. To be a single parent takes a tremendous amount of courage and strength, and I admire you. That you want a partner and haven’t found one yet is something I empathize with you over, but not with condescending judging.

    So, consider that there is no need to decide “that guy” won’t love you before even connecting to him. People often see in us beauty that we can’t, and if you pause on your self sabatoge, you may find that good men have been vying for your attentions for a long time. Namaste, sister, may you find the love you seek.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #43738
    StraightNoChaser
    Participant

    Hi Matt,

    Thank you so much for taking the time to respond! Not only did you respond but you actually provided insight to my current situation without using pointless cliches. I never considered most of what you said to be a factor.
    About me? I’m kind of an introvert but with extrovert tendencies. I’m a people person and popular. I think that makes it worse because I know a lot of people and continue to be social and friendly with people who I assume don’t have a lot of respect for me( which I learned from you may just me projecting and it’s not actually the case). If you’re familiar with Meyers Briggs I’m an ENTP. Maybe that would explain a bit. I don’t have much of a family. No parents and very little contact with my siblings. I think I’m a pretty decent person but I know I lack confidence. The last person I dated told me I need to be more confident shortly before ending things with me. And I think that was why he ended things(makes no sense to me). I should think of single parenthood as a badge of honour and not a billboard that screams unloveable.
    I’ve never felt worthy or able to feel connected to another person. There is a lot of blockage. I have a lot of friends but am close to a few i don’t think I let people in enough. I will definitely look up both of your suggestions, I’m very much into self help, meditation, affirmations and all that and I am always looking for ways to think and heal. I was on meds for years and now have been med free since January thanks to all the self healing I’ve done.
    Thank you Matt!! 🙂

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