Dear kiwiboy0897:

At this point it is an issue of obsession, a bit like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: a thought occurs to you (“that my partner told Steve”), it is like an itch. Next you feel the compulsion to scratch that itch, which means to ask your boyfriend about it.. again, and get his reassurance.. again  (“We discussed this”), next you feel better, the itch is gone (“It was very effective. He reassured me”), next, you will feel the itch again (sorry, it is not gone) and you will feel the compulsion to ask him.. again.

Notice that there is nothing in this dynamic that leads you to better understanding of the situation, nor does it lead to better communication with your partner, nor does it increase your safety in the relationship or otherwise. It is nothing more than feeling an itch, scratching it, feeling better, the itch returns, scratching it again, etc.

The way to exit this OCD loop is to resist the compulsion, or urge to scratch the itch aka ask your boyfriend about it. This means that you will be distressed and you will not relieve yourself by asking him again, continuing to be distressed with no relief. But if you do as I suggest, the itch will become less and less intense over time. It will takes weeks or months to get there, but it will be worth it for you.

anita

Dear kiwiboy0897:

Thank you for wishing me well, I wish you well back!

Let me know how the don’t-scratch-the-itch method works for you (it will be difficult and take time and persistence).

“there is no real reason for me to be hurt. If anything, my partner did everything in a responsible and loyal way”- in my experience, we as adults are hurting still for what happened- or didn’t happen- in our childhoods. When a hurt is deep and is not resolved during those Formative Years of childhood, the hurt is Formed in our brain and it gets activated in our adult lives. For example, if you had a sibling and any one of your parents clearly and repeatedly preferred your sibling, not correcting this behavior, that hurt as a child was formed in your brain (recorded there), and it got activated in the context of the current situation.

“Do you have any advice on how I shouldn’t recognize this as a form of pain..?”- I think you should recognize it as a form of pain, only look for its origin, like I suggested- in your childhood. I gave you an example, above. Think of what happened in your childhood that may explain this hurt, and let me know, will you?

anita

Dear kiwiboy0897:

Earlier you wrote: “there is no real reason for me to be hurt. If anything, my partner did everything in a responsible and loyal way”. You are hurting not because your partner did anything in an irresponsible and disloyal way, but because your father did.

When you were 4-5, those were your Formative Years, many emotional neuropathways were formed in your brain, and those pathways were your responses to what was happening in your home. You heard your mother stating that your father cheated on her, you witnessed your father talking and acting abusively toward your mother, you felt empathy for her, you hurt for her, you felt betrayed yourself.

A young child is not an independent mental/emotional entity from the parent he feels most empathy for. Your mother’s experience was your own experience. Basically you experienced her betrayal by proxy, as if it was your husband (not hers) than cheated on you (not on her).

Fast forward, there’s your partner, and you are projecting your father into him, and your emotional experience of childhood is re-activated. You don’t feel at all that your emotional experience with your partner is connected to your past emotional experience with your father and mother, because the latter is buried, repressed.

All this is how our brains operate, I explained this in my last post to you, and will be glad to explain it further, if you want me to. Understanding this can lead you to do what you need to do so to resolve this early hurt, and avail yourself to a better emotional life experience,  one that is free from a long gone past.

anita

Dear kiwiboy0897:

I won’t be easy to do this, but you can start today.  Maybe it is better that I explain it specifically to your situation. If you want, tell me what you remember from those early years, when your father cheated on your mother: how did you know about it (did your mother tell you or did you hear them fighting about it?), do you remember what you were thinking and feeling at the time, regarding your father cheating on your mother, do you remember feeling angry at your father, feeling empathy for your mother, any of these or other feelings?

If  you choose to answer these questions and sharing anything else that comes to your mind as you remember these early years, take your time with it because it is a distressing topic. Type anything that comes to mind without trying to edit it, a sort of stream of consciousness, whatever comes to mind. If you find yourself stuck, distract and come back to it later. What you share doesn’t need to be accurate or exact.

I will be back to the computer in a couple of hours.

anita

Dear kiwiboy0897:

I will be back to your thread in about 14 hours from now (possibly before that, but no later than the stated).

anita