I’m doing good/ok. Been with my mom now for 3 months. Me and Glen stayed broken up. We haven’t talked since that day. I’ve seen John we are hanging out.

Recently I’ve just had this overwhelming sense of missing Glen and no one to talk to about it :/

Maybe it’s because of the recent move into my moms house forced me to look at all of our stuff again and/or acknowledge our stuff. Because when I came I kind of only had my necessities until she closed on her house.

Hmm. Yea. I don’t know what I’m going thru.

It’s going fine. I’m just enjoying being around him again.

The headline however was true. I do still love him. Never stopped.

I don’t think it invalidates the feelings we both know I have/had (whatever) for Glen. However, after seeing him that first time. I knew what I had been thinking was true. I still loved him.

We are just casually hanging out. It’s fine.

——-

but yeah it’s weird like thinking about the things that trigger memories about him. Like cooking a certain meal or using certain dishes. It gives me this moment of anxiety to the point where I just avoid it really. It’s like I don’t want to do the things that remind me of him. But everything reminds me of him. Smh.  So the past 2+ months that’s been supported by my ability to kind of ignore it because I was still out of my normal routine of not having my things and etc when I first came here to my moms. I basically had my clothes and air mattress. But as I said above as I started to just do small things like cooking instead of eating out. He just pops into my head and I get sad and don’t want to do it. We moved this week and I swear I haven’t slept in my bed in almost 3 months. I talked about how excited I was and then the day I could sleep in it I found myself at my moms apartment on my air mattress. I thought to myself why am I not going to sleep in my bed? So I psyched myself up and got my stuff and came to my moms new house at like 11:30 at night. I literally made up my bed and was about to get in it and I just didn’t want to. This overwhelming sadness just came over me. Like this was OUR bed. He literally built this bed for us. It’s been 4 nights now and I still have residue feelings even as I sleep. It’s weird.

—————-

Things with my mom are fine. She just bought a house so I have my own space now. It’s much more comfortable. I’m not working right now though. I left my job probably the day after I talked to you last.

Yeah.

I’m probably going to work part time till Spring and then go back to school for Public Health.

Me and John, I’m just taking it really slow. I missed him so I’m glad to have him back in my life. I just want to not get attached to him too quickly or for no reason. so I keep my distance while I try and get to a better place on my own.

Public Health like Administrators for government or healthcare organizations or Project Managers for like emergency protocols and product safety.

I have to get a bachelors 48 hours and then the Masters 44 hours. So about 3 1/2-4 years.

Or get the bachelors and then get my law degree so that’s  about 5 years total.

———

Oh yea Leo is in a relationship.

And Hunt I don’t think is the guy for me. It’s hard for me to put into words but yeah.

I took a trip to see him on the road for his job. He just makes me feel a little too “fathered” I don’t really care for it.

Yeah I’ll  need another one. Unfortunately. But A year and a half-2 years isn’t that long. It’s either that or go straight to law school and I just don’t know if that’s what I want.

But yeah I’m trying to just keep everything in perspective

Yeah probably. But not as drastic as before. I’m not as stressed therefore it’s not as consuming.

I find myself a little bored sometimes and get a little restless so I get into my own head.

It more like I know I’m still depressed I just am in a circumstance right now where it’s not that bad.

Anita…

So much has been going on in my head.

Why do I miss Glen….like a lot ? Ughh

I feel like I’m second guessing my decision..

& John things are just okay. Nothing spectacular. I don’t know if me and John just aren’t on the same page. Or he just isn’t that into me anymore. Or the fact that I live a hour away stifles our way of doing the dating thing how we are used to.

But it seems like when I’m there things are good. And then I leave and it’s like we’re associates of sorts. We don’t really talk when we’re apart and probably see him every 2 weeks and I go up there.

I cant get mad at someone for not feeling exactly how I feel exactly when I feel it but I just sometimes don’t know what to expect from him and our interactions.

I know this isn’t a movie and I didn’t expect him to just leap into my arms the day we met up but since then it’s just been kind of the same monotone thing. There are moments of spark but others lack luster. I don’t really give as much as I did before because it is risky me being there exposed; my feelings all out and to do the actions that reflect my feelings would just be too much without any commitment from him. Giving him everything hurt last time so I have kind of a wall up and he can tell.

I try to examine how he is thinking. Last weekend we hung out Friday-Sunday. We went to one of his events out of town and it was nice. But also reminded me of who exactly I was dealing with too.

Nobody is perfect. I know.

But back to my earlier metaphor. I didn’t expect the Disney “oh I’ve been waiting for you all this time let’s go get married” but it’s been 4 months since we have been dating again and I don’t really even feel a shift in his feelings. Like his handling of me is still the same.

We had a discusssion about my feelings on the drive back last Sunday and he just listened and conversed with me. We have a very healthy line of communication. But he as well said that transparently he doesn’t feel that “want” for me yet. I can appreciate the honesty. Because frankly we both know I didn’t leave my relationship FOR him. And I don’t necessarily want to be in a relationship with him Right Now. I just feel like it should feel different. Or something should be different. But I can’t decide if I’m overthinking it or not.

Hunt and me are threwwww.

If I get nothing less from any of the past guys I interact with. I just want closed/locked doors so I can move on with my life

yes or no answers. In a lot of my lingering relationships in the past I now I noticed the big thing in common was the lack of closure

nothing shutting the door on our relationship but just leave it cracked and then those same dudes who end up not being important effect the relationships I’m actually in. It’s a issue.

Like Hunt ; it’s a pretty hard pill to swallow that I literally am fine with never talking to him again . It is a revelation of about 3 weeks ago. However I still think, the birthday fiasco would have never happened if I had realized this before. If I had this closure before that it was clear he doesn’t care about me, we aren’t for each other and so on. But as well being confident in that. So that I don’t even think him because I know I don’t want that anymore based on the clear actions he showed me over the past few months. But that really put a huge strain on my relationship. It’s why we started talking..

As welllll in my months of solitude I have realized many things and to jump back to Glen that’s I guess where these thoughts creep in.

I’ve been doing good with ignoring the Glen thoughts. But (short story) John had 2 events that weekend. The day before I was supposed to come he called me and said yeah so I got booked and I just wanted to tell you since your coming that you can come with. But also I wanted to tell you last time I was here your ex (Glen) was here. So you can decide. It’s up to you if you don’t want to go I understand.

but in that moment. It’s was like he made him a person again. The little box I placed him in my mind is gone and I had to decide whether or not to go.

I didn’t go.

For more than 1 reason. I was sick. I was kinda tired. But also…because of him.

I can’t place why. But the fact that I didn’t want him to see me there with him Idk what to do with that.

So yeah. That’s all the anxious thoughts I need help sorting thru. Lol

ill wait for your reply in the morning. 🙂

So what do I do about John…just stop ?

Do I walk away? I don’t think I know how.

If I could have came to this conclusion all on my own I wouldn’t have went bk in the first place.

..I think.

And Glen. I almost every other day I reiterate to myself that the bad may not have been more than the good. But the bad was just too heavy for me and the person I AM.

I hold back and I keep myself from doing what I hope will fade at some point. The want to reach out to him…it’s been almost 5 months and we haven’t seen or spoke. 🙁

yet idk if there’s a world where a friendship or …anything really between could exist.

So what? Is everyone gone? We’re they all mistakes? This is one of those what do I have that correlate all these situations to not working.

——-

work and life are fine. Not any more or less fine than last time. I still have my plan, I’m going to be bk in school hopefully next year.

And hopefully move bk to where I lived before next year too.

My birthday is next month. Still don’t feel like I have much to celebrate again. But hey.

I wake up everyday so that’ll do for now lol