Hi Jennifer,

I had to reply, because I can very much relate to your post. I had severe neglect, abandonment, rejection, abuse and neglect from an Alcoholic mother. My father travelled alot for business. He loved me very much, but he could just not be there due to the demanding pressures of being a CEO of a large paper company and traveling all over the world. He had tired a nanny, who was wonderful but unknown to him since he was never home, my mother would fly into jealous drunken rages, and constantly fire her, leaving my siblings and I alone for days to fend for ourselves or seedy motels. Then when she knew my Dad would be coming back, she would give the nanny a “raise” and beg her to come back before my Dad arrived. This went on for years.

One day, he came home without telling my mother and was horrified by what he saw. Filthy house, no food, he saw me in bedroom and my siblings filthy. He saw I had bite marks where I had bitten my left arm to where it was black and blue. He fought with my mother constantly, and put her in rehab, but she would just run away, go to nearest bar and get in bar fights landing her in jail, he took me to a child Psychiatrist and said if I was not taking out of the environment immediately, I was already showing signs of emotional retardation and very delayed development from lack of nurturing and love. I was taken away from her by courts and my Aunt and uncle became my legal guardians. Although they tried to give me a delightful childhood, the damage had been done. I was causing problems in school. Hurting myself, depressed, then I grew into a very troubled teenager. This was back in the 70’s, and counselors did not know what do do with me. They finally “had enough” and took me to Florida at the age of 15, and put me in a boarding school. I sat alone on my suitcase in the middle of the lawn, no friends, no family, nothing. Later that night. Harmed myself, another admission to Psychatric ward. I finally got a mentor at the boarding school..someone to listen and talk to. She helped me join some activities to meet new people and plan some coping skills when I would get lonely and depressed including contacting a crisis line which are paid volunteeers that are trained to listen and help the call is free and completely anonymous. I also knew I needed more help and started seeing a Psychotherapist. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personal Disorder, which includes hurting yourself, paranoia, distorted thinking, lack of identity, inability to maintain close friendships or relationships, problems or fear of authority figures, impulsivess, recklessness, stealing and lying/manipulation can also be a symptom. Cutting, suicidal ideation, extreme anxiety and depression and with me, sometimes bordering on Psychosis when I would have to go to Psychatric ward. Hence the name “Borderline”. I had to get screened for this, and I was devestated, and my suggestion is for you to get screened. It is not a weekness, just an illness there is hope, there is help, you just have to reach out. It won’t go away without proper medication for the specific disorder (such as a medication for emotion regulation). I currently take Topamax, Wellbutrin XL 300, Remeron, Klonopin for panic attacks, Buspirone, Seroquel. They may not have you on the right medication, if you are thinking of self harming and depressed. You have to find the right Psychiatrist, and medication that deals with this specific type of severe mental illness. The first thing to do is get screened. Is there anyone like a mentor or a trusted counselor you can talk to at your school? Since being on the right medication and Psychotherapy it has changed my life, and it will change yours too. x

• This reply was modified 7 years ago by Eliana.