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HELP! I screwed up with a good woman!

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  • #368324
    Danny
    Participant

    Please help me. I found this forum a few weeks back and feel brave enough to post.

    When I was younger I was always the misfit, teased and continued to be an awkward teen. I’ve never really felt good enough but I had two things going for me; my humour and my height. When my glow up half happened, the humour was the weapon that got me in with the cool crowds and I met and fell in love with A over a period of 4 years, but A dumped me for my ex best friend. This relationship really damaged me I lost two people I loved and because I really loved A with purity as she was my first, I ended up really broken and coped badly with the breakup. All the feelings of inadequacies as a child began to haunt me again. It wasn’t until my bro got seriously ill that i began to come back to reality and realised life was short but I think I realise now, I’ve also been listening to really bad advice too, from my mates who told me to get out there again and screw over every woman as basically revenge for what A did or to forget the feelings. Instead what I needed was closure and time to myself to work through the feelings of falling in love for the first time and having my planned future with her shattered.

    I’ll admit I’m a red blooded male. Since trying to move on from A, I went on loads of dates but fast forward to when I met this woman who I’m going to call B, to be honest when I first met her I was driven by my desires she was super fit and hot. She had the physique of a model and I got excited by the chase and her showing interest in me.

    I categorised her with most women I’d met who took me for granted before because they were good looking. They all would give affection to the average guy=me and in exchange would want goods or gifts. I treated her with that intention I’d get what I’d want a bit of attention, boost my ego and she’d benefit with a new handbag.

    But B unlike most women was nothing like that, she was attractive and downplayed her appeal. She was not willing to give it up for just anyone and certainly didn’t ask for any type of exchange. Maybe it was the ego or the challenge but she drew me in.

    As I got drawn in I ended up bonding with her and sharing things I had not with a woman since A. B was so giving and emotionally supportive, the way she helped when my brother nearly died etc. was remarkable for someone I had not known very long. She made me feel alive again and believe in myself, she gave me confidence.The more I got to know her I realised B had it all, her personality was top notch too.

    That’s when I don’t understand what happened. Maybe the bad advice from mates but I royally cocked it up.

    I started to feel something deeper for B and it was the first time I had felt real feelings since A. But I kept shutting the feelings down by countering them with thinking she was too good to be true, I also felt inadequate compared to her due to how broken I was from my ex. It made me believe she deserved someone better,  she would leave like A and with her not sleeping with me it made me feel further butthurt too. I just felt she was withholding because she didn’t really want or desire me in the same way I desired her. So I became manipulative and felt a need to control things to feel more in power. I would be attentive then ignore her. I don’t know why I just couldn’t shake the feeling she was making a fool of me, after something or would hurt me. The lads convinced me (probably based on how I was presenting to them with my skewed thoughts) that she was just playing games with my feelings and had no intention of being with me longterm. I began to believe she was sticking with someone as average as me by virtue of pity so I hurt her.

    I told her I didn’t want to see her anymore and I even told her I had never been that interested in her in the first place. She tried to reassure me but i began treating her with contempt and she walked away.

    To my messed up head it just confirmed my fears she would leave. I couldn’t see it for what it was a woman who was loyal but not willing to take crap treatment from anyone. When she left, nobody has ever been that kind and graceful to me when parting, even when knowing I was the dick.

    I justified it in my head that she had plenty of attention and was out of my league she knew herself, was hot, great career so it wouldn’t affect her in anyway. I thought I was doing the best thing to protect myself and my ego when I treated her with contempt.

    However through mutual friend, I’ve heard she was badly upset and I deeply hurt her more than I thought. I know she did not deserve any pain, I thought selfishly only about myself. She wasn’t taking pity and in fact really liked me for who I was and I was idiotic and pushed her away.

    If I’m honest I feel like I had no real intention of being with someone again longterm when I first met B I was just looking for a way to distract because I had not healed the scars left by A.

    I acted like the relationship with B was going to go somewhere, I made efforts and then when things actually began to feel real, I just bailed on her. I awakened feelings in her only to screw her over. I think there’s a part of me which acted unknowingly to inflict the pain I’d felt from what A did to me onto B. I feel like a sadist.

    Its been 10 months since it happened, immediately after I just didn’t want to deal with the feelings. Because when she left it actually hurt which I knew for me meant I had genuine feelings for her but I jumped back into the game. I started dating and then met C, after the newness wore off the relationship with C, 6 months later I found myself comfortable with C enjoyed the intimacy but deep down I still felt lonely. She just didn’t understand me like B did and we both just ended it, because it got stale. I was never my real self with C I found myself placating like I did with A, I felt like I was playing up to her idea of me just to have a partner and be with someone but it was exhausting.

    Since I’ve had a rude awakening from my bro when I finally shared where I was in life with him. He bluntly laid out the facts I had avoided facing. He said I had never processed As betrayal and strung along B with my confusion and I’d regret it years down the line if not now because she was the one who stood by me at my weakest. He said C was just to have sex and she had given me physical part I had needed so I attached because of that. I needed to grow up and become a real man if I wanted something meaningful. If he had not been ill I wish i went to him instead of the lads, his advice was full of wisdom and experience I could have made better choices.

    So I have been reflecting and sitting with my real feelings. The truth is B is the best woman I’ve ever met. She gave me stability but was always up for banter and exciting, she always wanted the best for me like no other. The only woman I’ve met who had self respect to not sleep with a man to gain his affections, she brought out the goodness in me, B is the only one who has deeply cared about me without wanting me to pay for dinners , handbags ,shoes and clothes etc just to keep her on good terms. I lied to myself for so long saying she was this that and the other to convince myself she was never right one for me but I can’t run away anymore. I was insecure. I was scared.

    I never gave her a real chance and I realise I put too much thought on the physical side and my ego. When I think about our time together we could talk endlessly for hours on the phone, we had a deep emotional talks, our dates were fun and we always ended up spending hours together and never wanted it to end, she was warm, thoughtful but spontaneous and wild too. I never felt bored in her company.

    Some people need to escalate things physically to get the emotions really brewing. I’m like that, I need that gratification to feel the physical connection and to commit. Now I realise I  was immature, we had it, it was there without us needing to go for the home run. When i met her in person I always couldn’t control myself but my insecurities from my relationship with A make me feel inadequate when she didn’t go to 4th base with me. I feel like an arsehole.

    I was awful in giving her closure.  Instead I ignored any message from her and just told her I’d moved on. I never treated her anywhere near as good as she treated me or as I know I am capable of because I was scared I’d become more invested. I feel she deserved the purity I gave to A. I feel like I squandered my chance of being with someone who actually loved me for me and would have grown with me. What shall I do? I have not had any contact with her for months but just can’t stop thinking about her and witching hour is the worst, I don’t want to hurt her further. I realise how selfish I have been but I desperately want to make amends for the pain I caused her, I’m not even contemplating anything else yet. Do you think this is even possible? How do I fix my mistake?

    I know you are probably going to think I’m just a fuck boy and I didn’t get the notch but it’s far from the truth. I was scared, I didn’t let her in and pushed her away. My morals are questionable but I’m not evil, I have a conscience. I’m not just regretting because the grass hasn’t proved greener, I just better understand who and what I need now in an adult relationship.

    #368373
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Danny:

    I will be able to read and reply to you when I am back to your thread in about 14 hours from now.

    anita

    #368412
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Danny:

    First, I will retell much of your story, retyping quotes from you,  because it helps me process information. Second, I will offer you my thoughts.

    You shared that you used to be “the misfit, teased.. an awkward teen.. never really felt good enough”, that A, the first girl that you really loved and planned a future with, dumped you for your best friend at the time, and you lost two people whom you loved, ending up “broken and coped badly with the breakup”.

    Mates told you to “get out there again and scr** over every woman as basically revenge for what A did or to forget the feelings”, and being a “red blooded male”, you did just that, going “on loads of dates”. One of those dates was B, a “super fit and hot” woman with “the physique of a model”, you were “excited by the chase and her showing interest” in you, and thought of her as a woman who will give you affection in exchange of “goods and gifts”. So, you figured that you’ll enjoy her “and she’d benefit with a new handbag”.

    But you learned that she was “not willing to give it up for just anyone”, and “she didn’t go to 4th base” with you. Plus, you found out that she “certainly didn’t ask for any type of exchange.. so giving and emotionally supportive.. She made me feel alive again and believe in myself, she gave me confidence”.

    But you felt “inadequate compared to her”, that she is out of your league, and “deserved someone better”, that “she was too good to be true”, that she was with you because she pitied you; that “she was making a fool of” you and will hurt you, and you felt hurt that she wouldn’t have sex with you.

    Next, you manipulated her, “be attentive then ignore her”. The lads told you that “she was just playing games” with your feelings and “had no intention of being with me long term”. So, you told her that you “didn’t want to see her anymore” and that you “had never been that interested in her in the first place”. She tried to reassure you but you treated her “with contempt and she walked away”. You later heard that “she was badly upset.. deeply hurt”.

    After that, you “jumped back into the game.. started dating and then met C”, but “after the newness wore off”, and “it got stale”, you “enjoyed the intimacy”, but “deep down (you)  still felt lonely”, the relationship ended.

    Your brother, after he recovered from his serious illness, was available to you, and “bluntly laid out the facts”: that you “never processed A’s betrayal”, that you will regret treating B the way you did for years to come, because she was the one who stood by you at your weakest; that C “was just to have sex” with, for you, that you “needed to grow up and become a real man” if you wanted anything meaningful.

    You figure, at this point, ten months since the breakup with B, that the “truth is B is the best woman I’ve ever met. She gave me stability.. always wanted the best for me like no other.. had self respect to not sleep with a man to gain his affections, she brought out the goodness in me.. the only one who has deeply cared about me without wanting me to pay for dinners, handbags, shoes and clothes etc.”.

    And now, my input (still, with quotes from you): as I read what you say, what your brother said to you, what your mates and lads said to you, I need to distinguish between what was/ is said and what is true to reality. I will try to do just that here:

    1. What happened between you and B was not solely a result of what happened between you, A and your former best friend, as you and your brother suggested, but mostly as a result of your experience as a child, that of being “always the misfit, teased.. never really felt good enough”. Notice the words always, and never: always the misfit, never good enough. These words mean that you felt like a misfit, as a child, for what felt like eternity, to you, and you felt not good enough for what felt like an eternity. For children, when they feel badly, time does feel eternal, and within that time, the child’s emotional experience takes a strong hold in the child’s forming brain.

    The experience with A was powerful, but less powerful and of way shorter duration than your always-a-misfit, never-good-enough childhood experience.

    I believe that your brother was correct to say that you never processed A’s betrayal. I would add to it that you probably need to process your childhood experience as well.

    2. B’s self-esteem was so low that she endured your manipulative behavior (“be attentive then ignore her”), staying with you.

    Her self-esteem was so low that when you broke up with her, telling her that you “had never been that interested in her in the first place”- she “tried to reassure” the man who just told her, basically, that he had deceived her earlier, throughout the relationship, by pretending to be “that interested” in her.

    Her self-esteem was so low, that after you treated her “with contempt” when breaking up with her, and after that breakup, she contacted you for closure, sending you messages. When you ignored a message from her, she sent you another message, or other messages (“I was awful in giving her closure. Instead I ignored any message from her”).

    You wrote about B that she made you believe in yourself and gave you confidence (“She made me .. believe in myself, she gave me confidence”)- no, she didn’t, she didn’t give you any confidence that lasted, nor did she make you believe in yourself. The two of you entered a relationship where neither one had adequate confidence, she didn’t believe in her worth any more than you believed in your worth, seems to me.

    3. “I know you are probably going to think I’m just a f*** boy .. but it’s far from the truth. I was scared… I’m not evil”- I don’t like the term you mentioned, but I want to look into the term. The online Urban Dictionary defines it as “someone who only wants you for your looks, body, and pressures you into sexual activity”. Another online dictionary defines it as someone “who doesn’t respect women, but relies on them heavily. He’s distant.. self-absorbed, does stupid things, and f**** with others’ emotions”.

    I am guessing that you have been that, then, a .. well, that. And I understand that being that does not mean being evil in each and every way, and it doesn’t mean not being scared. It means.. what it means.

    * Regarding your questions: “What shall I do?.. I don’t want to hurt her further.. I desperately want to make amends for the pain I caused her.. How do I fix my mistake?”-

    – You (used to?) believe that the following was a fair exchange: using a woman’s body for your sexual gratification in exchange “for dinners, handbags, shoes and clothes”. I am suggesting that you aim at changing this belief- it is demeaning and insulting to women, and that you use your money next for a different purpose: send B a message apologizing sincerely for your misbehavior, letting her know that you need to attend psychotherapy so to address the core issues that led to you having mistreated her, and add to your note a sum of money that will be adequate for her to attend at least 3 months of bi-weekly psychotherapy so to address her low self-esteem, which caused her to be involved with you for as long as she had.

    Help her this way, so that she does not end up in a similar situation again. Then, attend psychotherapy yourself.

    anita

     

    #368438
    Danny
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for your response and taking the time to analyse it. Whilst some of what you say is accurate point 1 I didn’t deal with the betrayal, I projected my pain. Other parts I think are slightly off and that’s probably because there must be an age gap if you are unaware of the terminology I used.

    I don’t demean women in general but I’ve encountered those who think it’s ok to exchange in that way which drove my disregard and reduced my respect. When I came across ‘B’ I misjudged or tarred her . She is the only one I demeaned. I’ve read another response on another thread which better understands the circumstances in the current climate.

     

    Whilst I will definitely try to make wrongs right with ‘B’ I don’t believe she needs psychotherapy or has low self esteem.

    I do have low worth which as a kid didnt eal with and worked hard to overcome by being funnier and using my strong suits to mask the lack of real confidence within. ‘A’s’ betrayal just revealed that i was still lacking. ‘B’ qualities I admired but made me feel inferior because she knew who she was and what she wanted.

    I may have damaged her faith in seeing the good in people which makes me feel like a knob but she is one of the few people who are really big hearted, selfless and in 2020  times that is rare. She didn’t accept my crap which is why when I treated her with contempt she parted ways but her nature made her want to make sure I believed I was good enough after everything I had shared about my low dark moments. So i ignored her messages, I chose to cut her off because I couldn’t deal with the fact I had got it so wrong. Even when she left she was so kind she didn’t want me to feel shit about myself and kept reassuring me because she had seen my raw form she knew exactly who I was and still accepted me. I took that kindness for granted. I had relationship with ‘C’ who I treated with respect but I’ve never had the feeling I was being me. ‘C’ only knew of my good parts. I messed up and I regret it.

     

    DANNY

     

    I know i need to gro

     

     

    #368455
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Danny:

    You are welcome. What you are saying is that you don’t believe that B suffers from a low self-esteem, that what motivated her to be with you was her being “big hearted, selfless.. so kind”, and from what I understand of what you shared in your recent post, she felt great empathy for you when you shared with her your “low dark moments” and experienced your “raw form”.

    When I read your original post yesterday, I did not feel your raw form… but B did. I wonder what she experienced when she saw and heard and felt your raw form. I wonder if she still cherishes it.

    anita

     

    #368458
    Danny
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I gather you have a lowly opinion of me. I am very aware of all the mistakes I made and how disrespectful I was to ‘B’.

    I would like to keep the opinion ‘B’ saw something in me. It gives me motivation to be better. I really do hope that pure heartedness she had is very much alive. I hope and believe she is not capable of hating. I don’t want to think she doesn’t cherish me but if that is the case then I have to accept that after my actions.

     

    Danny

    #368462
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Danny:

    In my recent post to you I did not send you the message that you are unworthy or that I have a lowly opinion of you. I considered new information that you provided for me in your second post on this thread, and figured that B may very well be the big-hearted woman that you say she is, and as such, I figured that she wasn’t with you because she felt pity for you, but because she had a big enough heart to see through your crude behavior, and see that worthy, loving and lovable “raw form” that you are inside.

    And then, I wondered if she still cherishes what she saw in you, and if so- there might be a chance that the two of you will get back together.

    Those were my thoughts and my intention in my second post to you. I hope you feel better about it.

    anita

    #368467
    Sox
    Participant

    Danny,

    Two questions for you:

    1. Do you intend to get back with B?

    2. How did you end things with C? Were you respectful towards her?

    #368471
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Danny:

    It was only this morning, the day after I posted to you last, that I read your post on another thread, a post that supports what I wrote to you in my most recent post to you. This is what you wrote there: “When ‘B’ met me she had this sixth sense or something she could see past the fronting. She could feel my pain and just had a unique emotional understanding.. her inner beauty. She tried so hard to reflect back what she saw in me and she had a positive energy. So when ‘B’ would express that about me, it would irritate me because I didn’t believe it… ‘B’ was a rare kind with values and self respect. I’ve never met someone so giving, selfless and pure hearted. She felt great empathy and.. saw my real self and that I was hurting and there was more to me… she walked away so gracefully carefully to not undo the work in building me up and ensured I didn’t feel sh** about myself because she had seen the fragileness when I was in a low place when we met, she knew exactly who I was and still accepted me”.

    You asked there: “Do you think with time I could prove to her that I am capable of being the man worthy of her and not the idiot by she met? …Do I give it up and not try, do you believe it’s too late?”

    My thoughts/ suggested answers: It is not too late for you to be again who you were in the beginning of your life- a precious, worthy, loving and lovable child, a child with a big heart, as big a heart as B’s- B saw this child in you, “past the fronting”. But this child was so hurt early on in life, a hurt solidified by having been betrayed by A and a best friend, that he is hiding, locked in an emotional prison cell within you.

    You need to create circumstances in your life that will free this child in you from his prison cell within. These are the circumstances I suggest:

    1. Make sure that you treat other people, including women, with empathy, honesty/ transparency and with dignity no matter how you feel. This is key- don’t wait to feel better before you treat others well. Treat others well now, today and every day. Be gentle with yourself as you don’t treat others well perfectly and at all times; learn from your mistakes and improve. When you live your life this way, with this intention and practice, paying attention, day after day, you will build confidence in your ability to behave right no matter how wrong you feel. This confidence in this ability will make you trust and like yourself, and you will no longer feel “like a sadist.. like an arsehole”. Instead, you will feel like a good man, a kind man, an honest, decent man.

    2. Take personal responsibility for your actions, do not blame others for your actions. When you are given bad advice from your lads and mates, and you follow their advice with your actions, it is you who is responsible for your actions, not the lads (“I’ve also been listening to really bad advice too, from my mates who told me to get out there again and screw over every woman… I don’t understand what happened. Maybe the bad advice from mates but I royally cocked it up… The lads convinced me..”)

    3. Expect your bad feelings about yourself to continue for a while because such deep feelings do not just disappear because you want them to. You may require quality psychotherapy to help you along in the process of emotional healing: healing from the emotional injuries you suffered as a child and later, in context of your relationships with A and former best friend. The goal of your emotional healing is for you to see that inner child in you, trapped in pain and fear, and free him. The goal is to one day see yourself as B saw you, and be kind to yourself just as B was kind to you.

    * As far as possibly reconnecting with B- first question, is she willing to reconnect, she may, she may not. -If you contact her, put no pressure on her to have future contact with you, make it easy for her to say No, if that’s what she chooses for herself.

    – Don’t contact her unless you feel confident enough that you are capable of treating her respectfully at all times.

    – It may be wise that you start quality psychotherapy and discuss the possibility of contacting her before you do, if you do, so to come up with a plan of how you should contact her and what you should offer her if/ when you contact her.

    anita

     

    #368512
    Danny
    Participant

    @sox

    To answer your question the only one I wronged was ‘B’ the women before her were users or willingly wanting that. I learned from ‘B’ enough to treat ‘C’ better. Perhaps it was an attempt unconsciously to convince myself I was better off therefore I tried harder with ‘C’ but after the newness wore off. I realised I was not being authentic like I had with ‘B’. She was the only one who saw me at my worst with all my issues the raw form and really accepted it.

    More than anything I want to give ‘B’ the apology in person she deserves. I don’t want her good nature and faith to be destroyed. She deserves the best and the freedom to choose. I wish i could get the opportunity to do it over and right but I can’t. If she gave me a chance I would grab it and prove to her the man she saw was there. But that is not my primary goal, it is to make amends and make her aware in no way was insignificant. She touched me deeper than I let on and taught me to be better.

    @Anita

    Thanks for explaining your post. I am feeling so shitty right now,  I didn’t need reminding on how much of a jerk I was. So I read your post with the wrong meaning. Thank you for taking time to re write to me. The wisdom you offer is very useful. Maybe if i had been more transparent with my feelings, fears and communication I wouldn’t be in the crap I’m in now.

    When i contact ‘B’ I have no intention of hurting her again. That’s why im seeking as much advice as possible to ensure I do the best possible to make amends.

    I’ll consider psychotherapy and take the good advice you offered on board but I already have trouble dealing with my real emotions. So i don’t know if with a psychotherapist digging it would help. I don’t know if I’d be able to be as open as im being over this forum right now.  Thanks for your help.

    • This reply was modified 4 weeks, 1 day ago by Danny.
    • This reply was modified 4 weeks, 1 day ago by Danny.
    #368517
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Danny:

    You are welcome. I will be responding to the two posts you submitted today because the more input I have from you, the more I learn and the better the chance that I will be able to offer you something useful. Please let me know if you prefer that I reply only to what you post here, for future reference (and keep in mind that if you prefer to not communicate with me, or with any other member, you can either state so or simply to not reply further to that member).

    “part of me wants to go back to being ignorant of these feels, when I was able to shut everything out and she didn’t matter, when I had convinced myself she would be better off and wasn’t meant for me”- when B was in your life, she held a figurative mirror to you, projecting an image to you- an image of a worthy, loving and lovable person. If you go back to being ignorant and shutting everything out, you will be shutting out that image of you, not a good idea.

    The “HELP!” that you need (title of your thread) is in believing that the image she saw and projected to you is true, that it really is you.

    You shared that she loved a certain artist, you listening recently to a song he wrote and the lyrics reminded you of her. I looked up the lyrics, some fit with the mirror image I just suggested: “.. golden as I open my eyes- Hold it, focus, hoping, take me back to the light”- open your eyes and see that image in the mirror, focus on it, let it take you to the light= to mental/ emotional health.

    “I’m hopeless, broken… I don’t wanna be alone”- you will not be hopeless or  broken or alone if you believe that you are indeed what she saw in you

    “You’re so golden”- one day you will believe that you are golden too. We all start life as golden, then many of us get broken somehow, somewhat,  and we proceed unfortunately to break others. But if we persist in changing and correcting our behaviors that need to be corrected- we will go back to that start and be golden again, the golden we’ve been all along inside.

    “What if I call her after so long and end up hurting her further.. refreshing that pain for her”- for a proper apology with minimal refreshment of her pain, a thoughtful letter will do. Seeing you in person, I believe, is likely to refresh her pain/ overwhelm her, but a letter is a piece of paper that she can read when and where she chooses to, at her convenience, undistracted. If she gets overwhelmed, she can put the letter down and read it later.

    “Maybe if I had been more transparent with my feelings, fears and communication, I wouldn’t be in the crap I’m in now… I’m seeking as much advice as possible to ensure I do the best possible to make amends”- you can transparent with your feelings in the letter that I suggested as a possibility. Put it all in that letter, be as honest as you can be and more. Another advantage to a letter is that you can take all the time that you need to write it, making sure indeed that it is all honest, not manipulative, not pressuring her in any way, etc.

    You can write the letter, put it down if you get overwhelmed, and  go back to it later, when calm and undistracted. On the other hand, if you meet her in-person, you might get overwhelmed and unable to think and express yourself honestly and accurately.

    “I don’t know if with a psychotherapist digging it would help. I don’t know if I’d be able to be as open”- it takes a good therapist, a competent, hard working, honest, patient, empathetic therapist, not any therapist will do.

    anita

     

    #368562
    Sox
    Participant

    Dear Danny,

    You wronged B, yes, but my question was how did you end things with C? Was it mutual, did you do it respectfully? Did you leave her hanging, did you talk her or not?

    As for B, apologising in person maybe the thing YOU want, but is it what SHE wants? You need to be mindful and respectful of what she wants and her space. Is she even willing to talk to you? Before you attempt to contact B, it is important you know within yourself WHY you want to contact her? A lot of our actions are motivated by loneliness ( I don’t mean any offence).

    #368569
    Danny
    Participant

    @Anita thank you for your response. I don’t have the time right now to give it the reply it deserves so will after work.

    @Sox As I said I treated C better. It was mutual and no I didn’t leave her hanging. The more I was with her the more I realised I was not happy, it was status quo and hadn’t been able to have that raw connection. C was OK with it. I have no regrets for the ending of that relationship because it was done in the right way and for the right reasons. I worked through my emotions whilst in that relationship so did C.
    I’m contacting B because I’m remorseful and want to make sure any cuts from time with me get healed. I want to make sure she doesn’t think she was insignificant. Quite the opposite in fact. I will not badger her if she doesn’t respond.

     

     

    • This reply was modified 4 weeks ago by Danny.
    #368586
    Kylee
    Participant

    Dear Danny,

    First of all, I want to say that it’s okay to realize you didn’t handle things the best, but don’t beat yourself up too much about it. We have all done and said things that we later realize didn’t do any good. Myself included.

    I would first try to reach out to B, and ask her if she’d be willing to talk in person. Since you did hurt her, you have to consider that she may not want to talk to you and give you the chance to apologize. If she agrees, I think you should tell her essentially what you said in this forum. That you were hurt and not healed, which lead you to hurt her. Being honest is always the best way to go about things, even if it’s hard. I don’t know about you, I personally respect people for telling me how they feel even if it may hurt my ego at first.

    Letting her know that you didn’t pursue her in a serious matter at first may hurt her, but it’s the truth and I’m sure she would rather be hurt by the truth and gain some closure perhaps, than to be hurt by a lie.

    Speaking from experience, an ex of mine reached out a few months after we had broken up to apologize for a lot of the things that he had done to me. It felt nice to hear him say that he’s sorry and that he wished he hadn’t done or said things he did. In that certain situation though, it had only been 3 months, and I don’t believe a person could change that drastically in that time frame. It’s been over 10 months for you that you’ve been apart, and it truly seems like you’ve gained a lot of perspective on who you were then and who you’d like to be now, and that’s worth telling her.

    Telling her that you’re sorry will help closure wise, it’ll ease her insecurities and anxiety, but I doubt it would make her immediately want to get back with you. You have to be very transparent about your mistakes, and tell her how you plan to change and be different this time around. You have to be completely honest about how she makes you feel and how you’ve realized that you mistreated her and the relationship. Take responsibility for how you’ve made her feel and the things you did, and she will be able to make a clearer decision about what she wants to do.

    I think it’s worth noting, also, that this may take time. You aren’t going to be able to jump in where you left off. I would approach this as you’re trying to get to know her all over again. Take her on dates, call her just to say hello every once in a while, do things you would normally do in the beginning stages and try not to skip over that and get comfortable. This will make you both feel like this is a fresh start, and it won’t feel so forced.

    Good luck with everything, Danny. I’m wishing you a life of happiness, whether you end up with B or not.

    #368604
    Danny
    Participant

    Hi @Anita

    I wanted to give your lovely message due consideration. I do not mind you reading any of my posts. I think it is very kind of you to try and get a better understanding of me.

    ‘B’ did try her best to make me see my worth, yes it would be an injustice to her and myself if I didn’t believe in that good she saw, so you are correct in saying shouldn’t go back to being ignorant. After all that led me to make several changes in my life and behaviour all good.

    I’m deeply touched you searched up the lyrics, music is always close to my heart and your interpretation is rather touching. Thank you. She was Golden. I hope her light is still shining bright even after being sucked in by my darkness, maybe I can be Golden again too.

    I did ponder over writing a letter, it’s easier as I’m good with written text however to really make amends and take accountability I feel I have to face her in person, face the raw emotions. If she refuses a meet then maybe I’ll write it all out so thanks for that suggestion.

    Right now fear is gripping me, I tried to text her but put it off another day. I want to do it right.

    I’ll look into therapy maybe it will give me a better way of handling things.

    Thanks for your wisdom, time, and patience.

    Danny

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 6 days ago by Danny.
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