November 3, 2020 at 3:02 pm #368606
You are welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation so graciously. Regarding writing her a letter vs. apologizing to her in person, you can attempt to do both: write her a letter and ask her at the end of a letter to meet you in person. Or you can meet her in person, but bring the prepared letter with you, in case fear grips you, just as it did a few minutes ago (“Right now fear is gripping me), in which case you can read the letter out loud to her, or have her read it while you are sit there, in her presence.
The more I read from you, the more I think that she is indeed Golden, and so are You!
November 3, 2020 at 3:04 pm #368607
- This reply was modified 3 weeks, 1 day ago by anita.
Thanks for taking the time to message, I’m grateful for all the replies and advice this forum has offered
The way you outlined to approach it is exactly what I needed. Thank you for sharing your own experience, I will be entirely transparent and I do feel although it took me so long to face my real feelings for her, over the 10 months I continued to grow and practice the goodness I admired in her. I’ve gained a lot of perspectives but I’m not 100% there yet I acknowledge that. A lot of work to be done still.
But you are one of the very few who has offered hope that maybe there’s a chance to rectify it with time and proof in action. I think you are right alongside @Kkasxo on another thread if I’m authentic she will see I’m genuinely remorseful and it will be a great starting point to at least heal her pain and give closure to that chapter.
I would love to start over, thanks for the advice on how to do that if I get the chance. Thanks, mate. I wish you happiness too!
DannyNovember 3, 2020 at 3:36 pm #368610
* Dear Danny:
We submitted posts almost at the same time, so you may not have noticed my reply to you right before your most recent post- bringing it to your attention, in case you missed it.
anitaNovember 3, 2020 at 11:16 pm #368634SoxParticipant
I don’t know you, but on the basis of what you have stated, you seem like a decent enough fellow. You have approached certain things and people in the wrong way, yes, but it doesn’t mean you are bad, wrong or a fuck boy. I think the first step that you should take is to stop thinking of yourself in this light. The more negative light you think of yourself in, the more you will project that negativity onto the world and as result on people. For people to see the real you, the good in you, I think you should start seeing yourself in that way. All of us have our issues, but recognising and accepting that you are human, you are not perfect and that you are at fault is the first step towards becoming the better and even so the best version of yourself.
I understand how “A” cheating on you must have sent you on a roller coaster ride of negative emotions, how deeply hurt you must have been because of her callousness, but please don’t let actions define you, your worth or guide your actions. You projected your hurt and insecurities on “B”, but the fact that you did right by “C” means that you have transformed or rather you are back to who you are the core – a decent human being. That is all you need to show to “B”.
Sometimes in relationships, we push people away because they are so close to discovering the truth of who we are, what we are; we act in ways that end up hurting them in order to “protect” ourselves. We, as humans, need to accept and embrace our vulnerabilities. Vulnerability is often misconstrued, it is misunderstood; but it what makes us “we”, “you” and “I”>
I would suggest that you drop her a message before you decide to meet her in person. Ask her if she is willing to talk to you; maybe over a call if not in person. I know you need to meet her and apologise and show her who you really are; but please realize she may not be comfortable. It is important that you ensure that she feels comfortable enough to meet you. If and when you do meet her, be honest. Be honest as if your life depends on it, because you will get one chance, and once change only. Make it count. but, please don’t get disheartened if she chooses not to meet or if she chooses not to respond. Please don’t spiral back. And always remember, actions speak louder than words. You will have to show her that you are working on yourself, you are improving and you are willing to put int he efforts even in the future to work on yourself.
You are a work in progress, my friend, and you have a long road ahead, but be patient with yourself and be kind to yourself (extremely important). Forgive yourself for the mistakes you have committed, learn from those mistakes, and grow. Believe in yourself, forgive A and your ex-best friend. You are a star, remember that and let no one tell you otherwise. Don’t let the actions of someone else dim your brightness and goodness.
I hope from all my heart that you love yourself and accept yourself for who you are; a human being!
Shine on you crazy diamond!November 3, 2020 at 11:29 pm #368635November 6, 2020 at 3:04 am #368715
@Anita thanks, kind of you to say so. I once was maybe I can get there again. Some silly life choices led me in the wrong direction. I like the idea of taking a letter in case I sieze up. Right now , I’ve put it off for so long that we have entered a lockdown in the UK. I feel if I broach it now, if she replies…she will have a genuine excuse to say no to a meet. Which makes me think am I thinking further ahead than I should. I honestly want to make amends foremost but I can’t lie there is a part of me that hopes for more. Have I even grown? A lot of the feedback is to not do anything with me in mind, delaying it is more likely to benefit me. So am I being selfish again?November 6, 2020 at 3:11 am #368716
@Sox thanks for the kind words. A lot of what you said is on the money. I agree a great deal about sometimes we hurt others to protect ourselves. Unconsciously I must have acknowledged these feelings i had for her before I even faced them consciously. She was getting closer, my guards around her were dropping. I was telling her things so naturally and I guess something or fear triggered me to push her away. Push her away from my darkness. Away from potentially hurting me. I let fear win. I’ll take on what you said it was very helpful. I appreciate the advice I’ve received on this forum. If I had come on sooner I could have ignored the lads. We live and we learn.</p>
November 6, 2020 at 9:57 am #368727
- This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by Danny.
* The good things you expressed today:
1. Personal responsibility: “I chose those actions at the time so I have to live with the consequences… I’ve made the changes in my life to not repeat it”.
2. Remorse and making amends: “I’m feeling remorse, it weighs heavily on me and will until I’ve made amends to her in person”.
3. Hope and faith: “That’s a ray of hope.. the goodness she saw is there.. I can be that potential.. and shine bright”.
* Regarding the timing of asking her to meet with you and your hope of a reunion with her:
“A lot of the feedback is to not do anything with me in mind”- I don’t think that it is possible for any living thing that has a mind, to not have “me in mind”. As the social animals that we humans are, the way it should be is to combine personal responsibility with social responsibility, which means that at times we do what is difficult/inconvenient for us to do so that others will benefit, but long term everyone benefits from the practice of social responsibility.
“we have entered a lockdown in the UK. I feel if I broach it now, if she replies.. she will have a genuine excuse to say no to a meet”- maybe, but she may be interested in communicating with you otherwise, maybe she feels very lonely during the lockdown and you will be just what she needs to feel better.
Maybe she will say: it’s the wrong time to meet because of the lockdown, but she may be willing to talk about meeting you in the future, so to make it a positive future meeting.
“there is a part of me that hopes for more”- there is nothing wrong with hoping for more. “Have I even grown?”-I hope you never grow out of hoping.
“am I being selfish again?”- not if you combine personal responsibility with social responsibility. In this context, it means that you keep the Relationship Win-Win Principle in mind: you win and she wins. How can she win being in a relationship with you?
If you are a better man than you were before, and if you are committed to become even a better man as time goes on, then you have a great advantage over your competition: the many men, or lads, as you call them, who do not care about being/ becoming good people. Therefore, having you in her life will be a Win for her, while having any one of the many men who don’t care to be good- that will be a Lose for her.
anitaNovember 9, 2020 at 3:16 am #368828
thanks for such an uplifting post. It’s really educated me on social and personal responsibility.
Thank you for making me see the positive aspects of approaching her and getting me to think like that instead of letting myself get caught up in a negative cycle of I’m a bad person. I have decided to approach her this weekend. The chips will fall where they may, but at least fear will not win. At least a positive turn in making amends will hopefully help.
Your insight and advice has been appreciated greatly!November 9, 2020 at 7:33 am #368835
You are very welcome.
“If she was able to see past my flaws when even I couldn’t, it proves the depth of her heart, the kindness of her soul. She has the ability to see things with goodness”-
– man without depth or kindness would refer to a woman who stuck by the side of a man who mistreated her for any length of time as weak, a pushover, etc., one to take advantage of. I’ve known men like that. The fact that you see her depth and kindness is evidence of your own depth of heart and your own kindness of soul; that you can see her ability to see things with goodness is evidence of your own ability to see things with goodness.
“I never will treat her like I did, ever… I can prove I’ve changed to be better. I can shine… I will be authentic and sincere… B saw I was worthy. I was valuable etc. she accepted me before I accepted myself…I have decided to approach her this weekend”-
– because I am optimistic about your chances to succeed this weekend, and because I want you to succeed, I want to offer you the following suggestions:
* Don’t put yourself down, like you have done in your beginning posts, calling yourself names, sort of .. shaming yourself. Instead, present yourself respectfully at all times. When you talk to her about the behaviors you regret, behaviors that were wrong, state that they were wrong, express sincere, deep regret, but do so with an attitude of respect for yourself and confidence in yourself.
* Do not present yourself to her like a beggar, inferior to her, at her mercy, begging her to be back with you. If she is the emotionally healthy, kind woman that she is, she will not want to be in a relationship with an inferior, and a beggar.
* Prepare yourself mentally for the following: no matter how sincerely you want to shine and to treat her well- you cannot treat her perfectly at all times, and you cannot shine at all times. Give yourself permission to be the imperfect human that you are. With this permission, you will not be disappointed of yourself when you fail to be perfect (in anything in life, including in your performance this weekend and the relationship that may follow).
* Prepare yourself mentally to the fact that B is not perfect either. She reads like a wonderful woman, but she is not perfect and if you enter a relationship with her, you will find out her imperfections. I don’t want you disappointed and confused when that happens. When in a relationship with her, noticing that she is struggling with something, noticing that she didn’t treat you perfectly at this or that other time, you will have the opportunity to extend to her the forgiveness and loving acceptance that she has shown you before. It will make her feel better if you allow the two of you to be imperfect, yet extending all efforts to be as good as the two of you can be toward each other.
anitaNovember 9, 2020 at 1:55 pm #368883
That really resonates because the lads were persuading me that if she was allowing it, it was because she was weak. Deep down as much as I didn’t want to face it, I knew it was because of the way she decided to view the world. Her kindness, her goldeness is what made her stick through the crap I put her through, she was loyal and old school values which is rare.
The tips are so amazing. Thank you. I am glad I had not gone ahead just yet. It will prove useful.
I know she isn’t perfect, no one is but I feel she deserves to be treated how she treated me. That was acceptance for my flaws. Kindness, encouragement, and with very much the purity I gave to A. Because I had never been in love, never had fears. I fell for A without any baggage or scars. I want to rediscover B again and give her the acceptance for who she is with all her imperfections. I didn’t give her that opportunity, instead I pusher her away every time I felt her discovering the real me and being OK with it.
Thanks so much Anita. Really really useful!November 9, 2020 at 2:07 pm #368885
You are welcome. It is exciting for me to read your insight and enthusiasm regarding discovering and being okay with B and with yourself (“I want to rediscover B again and give her the acceptance for who she is… discovering the real me and being OK with it). Whenever you would like to post again, I will gladly read and reply to you.
November 14, 2020 at 1:34 pm #369322
- This reply was modified 2 weeks, 2 days ago by anita.
Thanks Anita 👍 the ball is rolling, I messaged her yesterday evening. Just a quick text asking if she could call me. She opened and didn’t reply which is unlike her, so all night I was a nervous wreck. This morning she rang and I was unavailable. I tried again but no answer. Few hours ago she messaged asking why I had contacted her. I kept it short and said please can we meet in person to discuss, it was really important and I promise not to bother her if she isn’t up for it. A few short moments ago she said she’s extremely busy with work and I can see her for a short while tomorrow. Wish me luck please!!November 14, 2020 at 8:23 pm #369334
I will be back to you in about 10 hours from now. For now, I do wish you luck. And calm, I wish you to be calm. We do our best thinking when calm.
anitaNovember 15, 2020 at 7:05 am #369341
It’s now over 17 hours since you posted that you will see her for a short while tomorrow. By this time, you already saw her I imagine. I can think of 6 possibilities as to what happened by the time you read this: (1) you didn’t meet her for some reason, maybe she called to cancel or postpone; (2) you met her and the result is inconclusive, she did not express a Yes or a No, future is uncertain; (3) you met and the result is somewhat closer to a Yes than to a No; (4) you met and the result is a conclusive Yes; (5) you met her and the result is a conclusive No. (6) you met and you changed your mind, you are no longer interested.
My guess, and it is only a guess, is that it is 3 (???). I hope that you are feeling okay, and that you will post soon.
- This reply was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by anita.