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Help. I'm having trouble processing my emotions alone.

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  • #353860
    Baraan
    Participant

    I’m so lost.

    I have fever, I’m afraid. Too tired even to write.

    I can’t eat. So much grief. This lump in my throat, these constant tears. And yet I have to. Otherwise I’ll get sick and give even more pain to the people around me.

    Everything is spiraling out of my control. I make everything worse by the way I react. It’s like one mistake following the next. I’m creating so much negativity for everyone that I love. I feel terrible. Like this terrible, awful human being that doesn’t deserve to exist.

    I want someone to pull me out of this but that’s me not taking responsibility for my own life.

    There’s a mess of emotions inside me that I don’t know how to figure out. I’ve cried myself out at this point. I want to break things, get away from all this somehow.

    I feel like this weak, irresponsible, miserable wretch.

    I have all this grief and panic and desolation inside me and I don’t know what to do.

    I’m not processing it properly – I don’t know how – so it comes out in irrational spurts and worsens my situation. I’m doing crazy things. Like writing an angry email to my university supervisor – who does that? So stupid! and making everything even worse for myself by telling the wrong person with angry words about how awful and victimized I feel about the pandemic, my illness, my inability to cope with the academic pressure, entitled complaining that everyone else  has the brains not to do, to be polite, to keep their heads down and cope. I’ve never been rude like this to an instructor before, it’s not me. I’m used to being considered courteous and centered and this is just overwhelming. I apologized to her as thoroughly as I could later on but what is done is done. One more problem, one more hurt.

    They’ll think I’m insane. The people I live with probably think the same thing. And it’s true, I’m losing my rationality. Is there any in this post? I’m just a disgrace.

    The people I live with have tried to help me process my emotions and it’s just not working. I need help, I need redemption. Please.

    Two days ago, this person from my past wrote to me in so much anger and ever since then I’ve just been a mess.

    I don’t have the courage to call out for a God to help me. I just want to feel better. I thought I was calm and centered. Now I’m just falling apart in a way that I haven’t done in years.

    Why would God even listen to me. I don’t even feel certain in my heart that there’s someone out there who can help me.

    COVID-19 has hurt everyone.

    I fell sick, had a panic attack, went to the hospital, left college in haste, but I can’t go home, I’ve been away from them for weeks, and this stupid idiot me had to go and get sick and didn’t get a flight in time to go back. I’m away from my family when that’s the only place I want to be. I want to feel safe and loved again. I’m crying again. I want this to end. Please, let it end.

    I’m not home, I’m here, and I have to write papers and sit exams that I don’t feel like doing at all. Does that make me lazy? I’m the clown of the batch, everyone else is coping just fine, and when I spoke to my supervisor she was so livid at my rudeness it was the most painful interaction even though I got what I deserved. I was just trying to express how I felt when I wrote that email, trying to relieve this awful pressure, these tears that won’t stop coming.

    Oh God, these tears. This pressure. Please. I’m losing my mind. Please. Please. Please. 

    I can’t communicate my pain to anyone without their thinking I’m crazy. I’m not crazy. I’m just hurt. Nothing is making sense. Up is down, down is up. I’m not my normal self. I’m not acting like her. I’ve tried to talk about it, I’ve tried, I’VE TRIED.

    I’m angry too.

    It’s too much.

    Dear, dear God.

    #354046
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Baraan:

    First thing to do is to stop calling yourself a disgrace and other put downs.

    Second thing to do, if you haven’t, is to be tested for Covid-19 because you are experiencing fever, and otherwise see a doctor and take care of your health.

    Third thing to do is to apologize to any person toward whom you directed your pandemic related anxiety, anger and distress. People who you offended are likely to understand the pandemic and quarantine related anxiety, because they suffer from it to, and therefore they are likely to forgive you.

    Fourth thing to do, is to consider the temporary use of anti anxiety medication, if you are desperate.

    Fifth thing, check a website called headspace. com. It has many guided meditations and mindfulness exercises that can help you to relax.

    Here is from www. cdc. gov/ coronavirus/ 2019- ncov/ daily-life-coping/ managing-stress-anxiety. html: “Ways to cope with stress:

    -Take breaks from watching, reading, or listening to news stories, including social media. Hearing about the pandemic repeatedly can be upsetting.

    – Take care of your body. Take deep breaths, stretch, or meditate.Try to eat healthy, well balanced meals. Exercise regularly, get plenty of sleep. Avoid alcohol and drug. Make time to unwind. Try to do some other activities you enjoy. Connect with others.”

    You are welcome to connect here with me, and with other members who may reply to you. Post here again.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 4 weeks ago by anita.
    #354098
    Ravi
    Participant

    Hi Baraan,

    I have gone through your entire post. You don’t need to worry about telling anybody else and expressing your frustrations to them.

    I suggest you to lookup for “EFT tell the story technique” and start doing it. EFT stands for emotional freedom techniques.

    It is about the same thing. Whatever you are writing in the post the same you can speak out loud even if you are alone, but while pressing the acupressure points on the body. Which points are those you will get it from the internet. You don’t need to worry about saying anything in a particular way. Just speak out absolutely whatever you want to say, but while pressing those points.

    This tapping of pressure points will remove the charge of the emotions and you will fell a lot better. Even if your “outside” problems may or may not be there, but your “inside” problems will have dissolved.

     

     

    #354162
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Baraan,

    The first rule I give myself is to take it easy on myself when I am sick. You have a fever. Your are sick. Be all, “All self putdowns are put on hold until I am well.” Your inner critic will start yelling and screaming at this. Tough. You are sick. Physical wellness trumps dealing with pesky emotions.

    I’ve noticed that everyone’s “Stuff” is coming up now because of the pandemic. Thus, the angry letter you received. Send the letter back to the person with “There is no reason to write to me that way, you can be respectful to me.” This person may spit and snarl and write you another angry letter. Just keep sending it back with the same response. Yes, even if you were horrible.

    When you are better, you can surely travel to see your family.

    As for the academia, blame your illness for your rude behavior, then LET IT GO. The school year is almost over (unless you are in a graduate/PHD scene). Write and little and read a little every day. “Put something in the bank” every day.

    Feel Better,

    Inky

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