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Help i'm sad and have absolutely no right to be

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Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)
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  • #113950
    Tracey
    Participant

    I have everything a woman could ask for: a loving, honest, hardworking husband, 2 lovely children, a beautiful house in a lovely area (even though it is council, we’ve been blessed with a good one). we don’t have any large debts apart from the surprise one thats come in and compared to most unlucky souls we will manage it.
    I’ve been trying very hard to overcome a lot of negative programming and manipulation from my past and also overcome a lot of tragic events that no woman wants to go through, i thought i was doing well until the 6 weeks school holiday happened, which i was looking forward to so i could do stuff with my kids but although we have done stuff the kids seem to always tip me to boiling point, I’ve asked myself why i react and get no answer. Again i know i should be happy i have every blessing i’ve ever asked for but i just can not find my motivation, energy my joy.
    In the last year I’ve been diagnosed with Hemiplegic Migraines, I have discs in my neck that are crushing the nerves to my arms and also bone spurs, Permanent Anaemia due to a bleeding bowel and mouth that they can find no reason for, Tinnitus, Raynauds and Fibromyalgia(which i don’t believe in)
    I try to ignore the lot of it, as thinking about any of them makes any illness worse so i keep going rather like a duracell battery, I do well many people never guess i’m unwell, i should be proud of myself but i’m not i’m of to neuro again soon as my eyes have stopped lubricating and my nose is permanently blocked. my gut feeling is something is screaming at me to take notice of it but i’m at a loss as to what.
    My anger is of the scale, the kids, the neighbours anything will start me off and i end up shutting myself in the bathroom to calm down, I’m a recovering self harmer it’s been 9 years and that was my coping mechanism, i can never hurt another being but i’m happy enough to hurt myself.
    in the past few weeks i have discovered so much more i can do, i started making clothes for my kids and myself, wrapping crystals in macrame sacks, worry dolls and lots more, do i feel achievement? do i heck, i feel nothing.
    I want to stop the world and step off for a bit.
    Everything i have done has been to try and find contentment within myself and i can not find it, i just feel tired and really fed up with life, my fire has well and truly gone out and nothing i can do will relight it.
    What is wrong me? or am i just an unappreciative selfish ugly cow?

    #113974
    VJ
    Participant

    Dear Tracey,

    “trying very hard to overcome a lot of negative programming and manipulation from my past and also overcome a lot of tragic events that no woman wants to go through”

    “diagnosed with Hemiplegic Migraines, I have discs in my neck that are crushing the nerves to my arms and also bone spurs, Permanent Anaemia due to a bleeding bowel and mouth….Tinnitus, Raynauds and Fibromyalgia(which i don’t believe in)”

    “eyes have stopped lubricating and my nose is permanently blocked”

    Also there are lots of suppressed emotions from what you have mentioned.

    While you carry on with your conversations on this thread with members of the site, for all the above mentioned issues I may want to suggest you to take a look at something called as ‘The Healing Codes’.

    The Healing Codes is a simple self-healing system that is used to activate something which is already in-built in our body – our immune system – whose job when activated is to heal whatever is wrong in the body. Since you have multiple health conditions I think it would help you by your immune system doing its job without you having to worry about each and every disease in the body. Moreover, it also works on the memories and programming that you mentioned as coming from the past.

    I have purchased it from here and everything that is required is explained in the below book-
    https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Code-Minutes-Success-Relationship/dp/B004MWT4B8
    Also do take a look at the number of positive reviews.

    The official site for it is at -> www(dot)thehealingcodes(dot)com
    The book has everything you need but of course if you do not want to wait till you finish the book and have the required financial capabilities then you can also consider Personal Coaching on this process, which is done by a Certified Healing Codes Practitioner. You will get all of that information from their official website.

    Oh well! I just see your name and recollected that Dr. Alex Loyd (author of this book and the one who) developed this technique after his wife Tracey Loyd had severe depression for several years and couldn’t find anything to cure it. 🙂
    https://youtu(DOT)be/JFL6I3WlmWs – remove (DOT) from this text to watch the video.

    Take care,
    VJ

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by VJ.
    • This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by VJ.
    • This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by VJ.
    #113979
    Evan
    Participant

    Hi Tracey,

    I agree with VJ here. Repressed emotions are buzzing around so ferociously that it is hard to find your centre and inner stability. Emotions are energy in motion. The question is are ‘you’ the emotion, or are you ‘experiencing’ the emotion.

    Time to step back and not believe in the thoughts that a raging around. Somewhere deep within you, there is a spark of joy, love, peace, empathy, courage, and it will always be there waiting for you to discover it.

    It is not found by thinking about it…… You must give yourself permission to feel it, and the discipline to keep focusing on the feeling of it. Your mind will not like this, as it is no longer in control.

    The answer you seek is just beyond your mind. No doubt it takes every ounce of courage you can muster, to allow your inner self to see past the curtain of thoughts. From that place you can redefine some thoughts and belief simply by asking questions like….. “Is this true”….. “Has this thought actually got any power over me”….. “If this thought is not true, then what is?”

    Even if you can do this for 2 seconds, then agin for 2 seconds, it is a break in the stream of your mind. Cracks in the wall of thoughts, in which some light and peace can stream through the slivers. The more you can ‘look past’ the mind, the larger the slivers become. Eventually you know within your truth.

    Best

    Evan

    #113985
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    What would happen if you actually let yourself feel this sadness instead of telling yourself you’ve no “right” to feel sad? What if one of your children came to you and said they felt sad, would you tell them to stop feeling that way because of all the toys they have? I hope not.

    You have a number of pretty severe-sounding medical issues, some of which may be aggravated or even caused by stress or mental causes. But you ignore it and pretend nothing’s wrong. Again, if your child came to you saying they were feeling sick, would you tell them to just pretend everything’s OK and that you don’t believe in tummy-aches?

    Just look at the last line you wrote. What is wrong? You are bullying yourself. You are hating on yourself non stop and as a result, your self is in severe distress, and instead of listening, your response is “Well, I can’t imagine what could possibly be wrong. Anyway, gotta keep going, I’m the Duracell bunny.”

    Please, you’re not the Duracell bunny. You’re a human being deserving of kindness and respect. You have the right to feel everything you’re feeling. You have the right to have your wishes heard. You have a right to not yet be over the things that happened in the past. You have the right to have a hard time with everything that’s going on. Could you try to treat yourself a little bit better?

    I think it would be helpful to hash this out with a therapist or doctor or advisor or religious teacher or your local hippie/witch/healer person. I know that’s not cheap, but I’m not sure how much of this you can tackle on your own or with the help of some faceless internet people. It’s OK to need help with this. It’s OK to feel bad. It’s OK to not know how to stop hating on yourself, but I hope you can see that that’s what you’re aiming for.

    Be well, friend.

    #113998
    Teresa
    Participant

    Tracey, I’m new and your recent post really hit home.
    I too feel ungrateful, I have lost my oomph for life. I also have dry eyes and bad sinuses, maybe that’s an age thing!
    I am currently battling with my weight, which I knowingly self sabotaged, I over ate due to depression and have now gained the weight I had lost, recently.
    I will keep an eye on your post to see what is suggested. I just wanted to let you know that I can totally relate to what you are feeling. X

    #114027
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Tracey:

    This has been my experience: the fears and hurts of my childhood did not disappear with time, did not exit when I turned 18, when I moved, even when I entered a good relationship. Same fear and same hurt kept circulating in my brain all those decades. Tourette Syndrome and OCD were the two first to appear symptoms of that fear and hurt, starting at five or six years old.

    Many years later I told someone: “I am afraid!” He asked: “What are you afraid of?” I didn’t know the answer. I know now: I have been afraid all those years of the same danger I experienced as a child: my mother’s disapproval of me, her harsh, relentless criticism of me, her vicious verbal attacks of me.

    She hasn’t been in my life for a few years, before that- she didn’t verbally attacked me for years (But any subtle disapproval was all I needed to feel previous viciousness on her part)- but the fear kept circulating. If a person looked at me “the wrong way”- I anticipated an attack. Automatically.

    Can you relate to me?

    anita

    #114042
    Tracey
    Participant

    Thank you for all your advice, one thing my mind did decide to throw at me today was “Boxes”…..i put emotions, feelings and people into neat, tidy little boxes. If someone I love hurts me i put them in the anger box or a negative box and shut off contact to any positive feelings towards them or that situation. I think this has led to alot of my walls my hubby insists i have and that he can’t get through no matter how much i’ve been asking him to, he states they are solid steel.
    My Mum hurt me alot when i was younger, i fell out with her, i was planning on going to see her after my son was born but she died a week before, i never got to go to her funeral as my son got taken into hospital.
    I am so angry at her for how she treated me yet i love and miss her, the feelings are contradictory and confusing, i feel this way about alot of situations in my life. I’ve no built so many walls filled with so many boxes and i don’t know what to do or where to start.
    Monklet80 your right i have treated myself very badly, very badly indeed, i’m surprised my body is still going but i just don’t know where to start i really don’t.

    #114046
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Tracey:

    Sadly, these neat, tidy little boxes you mentioned are not so neat and tidy on the long run.

    Your anger at your mother on one hand and love on the other hand- this contradiction- is very understandable to me. I too felt very conflicted, no matter how I tried to place my mother in the Anger Box. I am no longer conflicted or confused at this point. I finally understand the following:

    My love for my mother was never based on her being worthy of my love. It was based on the simple fact that she was my main caretaker: she fed me, clothed me, soothed me when I was had the flue, kept me warm in winter time. This is all my love for her is based on, just like any mammal, born to love the mother, born to follow her for food and protection. A fawn that follows her mother deer into the forest follows her because it is motivated by the emotion of attachment, what we call love.

    Nature has made it so that for an animal to eat it has to be motivated by the emotion of hunger; for it to mate, it is motivated by the emotion of arousal and for the young to follow their parent, they are motivated by attachment, aka love.

    Humans are no different.

    I stopped yearning for my mother once I fully realized (and it took a whole lot of time and work) that my love for her did not mean that she is worthy of my love, that is that she is good for me and will love me if I only reach her- that the meaning in my love for her is that I was born to love her, no matter who she is, simply by her being there as I naturally developed the attachment every young mammal develops to the one there, in that role.

    anita

    #114085
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    What have you tried, and what was your experience with that?

    You can start almost anywhere, but one thing that comes to mind is to do some journalling where you separate the bullying part of you from the kind side of you, and then write out their conversations. Here’s the ruled for that: the kind side of you is never unkind. The bullying side of you isn’t a bad person, it is more like a kid that wants something but doesn’t know how to ask for it properly so it rages and sneers. The idea is to figure out what it wants, but often the answer is just “to be heard” so the journalling itself is helpful.

    Here’s some more on how you can use this technique: http://www.fluentself.com/blog/personal/the-negotiator-the-monster-and-the-scribe/

    #114131
    Tracey
    Participant

    Last night a little stray cat thats been hanging around the area off and on for about a year just walked into our house, i truly believe the Goddess has sent her, for both our sakes. Oh the sorry state of her is appalling she is skin on bone, fur falling out, filthy, battered and was covered in some sticky residue. we gently bathed her, fed her and she is now sitting on my hubbies lap having a wash.
    My lesson in this is i keep looking at her and the look of love she gives us especially my hubby, the whole hearted trust and love, after all she has been through and she still can love and trust.
    the nasty voices in my head have no comments on this and have been left speechless which i think might be a good sign, so i will keep my little notes and hope our furry little friend stays with us, she has already been accepted by my other 5 fur family. And will no doubt help me unlock a door somewhere.
    My husband asked me last night why i don’t like myself and i answered because if i like my body or face ect that is vanity and vanity is bad. I don’t even know where that idea came from.
    Sabrina the only person that can help me solve my problems is myself and i’m against any spells that infinge on another persons freewill

    #114139
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Tracey:

    When we were young children, we were like that cat: totally dependent, completely in the mercy of the parent/s. The trust of a young child, when it is betrayed, it hurts like hell, doesn’t it?

    The title of your thread is: “Help i’m sad and have absolutely no right to be”- well, a child betrayed does feel sad, deeply sad. It is not a matter of having a right to feel hurt, scared and sad. It is what happens when the person you look up to with complete love and trust- hurts you in return.

    anita

    #114459
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    How’s the cat doing? 🙂

    #114863

    You are not qlone and so beautiful you will get through this i promise angel. You are a survivor focus on your happiness that you deserve do things that you enjoy, dont let bad things define you its okay to mess up we are human but the beauty is the joy we have what we learn after struggle and how we can inspire and help others who are going throuhh same things, its all worth something and keep focusing on what makes you happy and pay less attention to what goes wrong for theres always a silver lining beautiful you arent alone, keep being pisitive write down your dreams goals strive to get there want it really bad and change takes time youll be at where you wanna be before youmknow it, it takes time Zwe love u so proud of you for trying and being your amazing self. Im glad u know u dont need to be sad but hey its ok youre allowed to feel whatever u do and just know it passes youll get back up be ok and keep moving life rocks and through good bad times just keep moving forward in thr bicycle of life, youll end up on the right direction eventually just choose to keep going following your happiness concentrate energies into new methods to help, if one doesnt work try another never lose hope, confromt what you feel ask if its true or what is goij on and be honest with yourself youll be okay and youll be here alive and trying and succeeding. Never give up hope welove you and youre doing great sunshine Love Leni ♡Livelovelifeleni Positivity&Motivation ♡

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