November 8, 2023 at 10:04 am #424854artemisParticipant
Hello everyone, this is my first time posting anywhere asking for advice so please bear with me.
Growing up I had a close relationship with my mom, we were practically best friends and I would rush home and tell her about my day at school. Being an only child I spent most of my time alone or with my mom and dad.
My mother used to be a fairly open person, telling me to choose my own life partner and all of that stuff and to always let her know if I ever liked someone. I even had a boyfriend from my 9-12th grade and she even approved of that guy.
During my time in highschool my mother fell into some personal conflicts that messed with her mental and physical health and she found solace in a religious institution. I respect that insititution for bringing out my mother from the dark time she was in and helping me and my family at times spiritually as well.
Problems arose when someone from that institution became close friends with my mother. He would go into trances and become a whole different person, acting like a soothsayer or something. I have no idea how he of all persons once blurted in his trance that i have a boyfriend and “mistake love for lust since we cant understand what love is in such a young age”. It messed with my mothers’ head and she slowly started becoming more and more conservative as the days passed. It was a hard time for me to be secure in myself and i started to question my own sanity. I started to feel isolated and felt as if my whole world and secrets had been exposed for the people to judge and see.
Eventually I broke up with my then partner due to different reasons and after 1.5 years found my current boyfriend in college. He is the perfect guy I could ask for, he loves me and takes care of my little antics while also helping me a better person. There is no time when i dont feel secure and safe with him.
I did not want to hold things from my mom and break her trust in me and further ruin our relationship. I had planned on telling my mom about my partner but things went south when she read my chats with him and disclosed that to that close friend of hers. Again, in a trance he said some really prude stuff to my mom about me being of bad character and being a trash of a woman. I was 20 back then. Ive never had sex out of respect and promise I made to my mother to wait till I marry someone even though i didnt want to. The things that guy said in a trance again made me sink into the hole i was in 2 years ago and ever since then i feel dirty and “impure”.
Its been a year since that episode and ive continued to date my bf in secret for the past year. I graduate next year and want to make things serious with him as the two of us had decided.
My mother disapproved of my bf even without meeting him and included my dad into this charade, making false and racial claims about his ethnicity and the state he is from. I had a fairly okay relationship with my dad but now even he distrusts me.
on my graduation i want to introduce him to my parents and he is keen on meeting them. I’m afraid that things might go severely bad and lead to circumstances different from what my partner and I have thought of for our future.
Now that my extremely long and personal details have come to end, I would appreciate if i could get any wisdom regarding how i address this situation.November 8, 2023 at 11:26 am #424874anitaParticipant
What a story. You had a reasonable and loving mother, “practically best friends“. She supported you having a boyfriend from 9-12th grade, not a sexual relationship (“I’ve never had sex out of respect and promise I made to my mother to wait till I marry“), but then her physical and mental health took a beating of some sort and she found comfort in a religious institution where there is a man who is now “close friends” with her. He goes into trances, and told her a long time ago, in a trance, that you had a (now an ex) boyfriend and that you “mistake love for lust“.
A year and a half later, in college, you met a new guy, your current partner, a wonderful partner. But the close friend of hers, in a trance, told her that you (at 20) were “of bad character and being a trash of a woman“.
Now 22, you still “feel dirty and ‘impure’” because of what he said.
“I graduate next year and want to make things serious with him as the two of us had decided. My mother disapproved of my bf even without meeting him and included my dad into this charade… On my graduation, I want to introduce him to my parents and he is keen on meeting them. I’m afraid that things might go severely bad and lead to circumstances different from what my partner and I have thought of for our future… I would appreciate if I could get any wisdom regarding how I address this situation”-
-my advice: for as long as your mother is under the influence of this particular religion that includes a man allegedly in trances where he vilifies YOU, I wouldn’t introduce your partner to her. You don’t know how her close friend will spin the introduction into a new trance. You don’t want to feed his vile trances with new information.
I am sorry that you lost your mother to.. some kind of insanity. I hope that you will get her back sometime soon.. But for now, protect yourself from the stranger that she has become. Does my advice make sense to you?
anitaNovember 9, 2023 at 7:57 pm #424918NephilaParticipant
Yeah I’m going to call a spade a spade and say your mother is in a cult. This Trancey Man vilifying you is giving cult vibes. That is what cults do: they prey on vulnerable people–like those going through medical issues, personal conflicts, divorces, mental health crises, etc–, and then drive a wedge between members and their support systems to get them further sucked in and dependent on the cult. I would bet my last bag of Sleepytime Tea (fun fact: also made by a cult!) that Trancey Man has the one and only magical solution to your “dirty impurity” if you asked. You don’t mention your dad’s role in this, but it sounds like he is tolerating or enabling this lunacy at the very least.
I’m sorry that this is happening to you and that you’re paying the price for what your mom has done. But I think that not only can nothing good come from introducing your boyfriend to your parents, but you might need to go No Contact or Minimal Contact for a while, if that is feasible. You mention that you’re in college–are you living on campus? If you’re living at home, I would seriously recommend seeing if you can crash with a friend for a while. Get your school’s counselling centre or student services involved if need be. You are being abused, and you need to get out of this situation yesterday.