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Help me figure out if she’s playing me or not?

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  • This topic has 29 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 1 week ago by anita.
Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 30 total)
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  • #380511
    Jack
    Participant

    I’ve been seeing her for over a month now.

    We’ve been on 2 dates and we’ve organised a date Saturday. I couldn’t find the time las week because of my 12 to 9pm work schedule.

    I would consider this a good sign, especially because on the first date she asked if we could split the date (I ended up paying for it because I wanted to)

    On our second date, she paid for our tickets

     

    One thing that has raised a red flag is when she told me ‘I’m scared of you because I want you too much’

    I asked her what she meant by it and she told me “Because I want you too much”. I don’t think insisting on it will do any good.

     

    She’s already told me she’s ‘anxious’, ‘thinks too much’ and ‘doesn’t like PDA’ – this is totally understandable, and matches the fact she’s affectionate in private, but rarely in public – maybe she’ll touch me or lean over closer to me… no kissing (which agains is fine)

     

    The reason why I think she could be playing me is the hot and cold behaviour – this could just be me, because I tend to over think a hell lot too.

     

    Then I tell myself, she wouldn’t be affectionate and she would probably either flake or out right tell me she doesn’t want to go on dates if she was playing…

     

    What do you guys think?

     

    If you would like more information, don’t hesitate

    #380645
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jack:

    Yes, I would like more information: can you describe in detail her “hot and cold behaviour”?

    (I will be back to the computer in about 11 hours from now).

    anita

    #380646
    Jack
    Participant

    Thanks for the reply @anita,

     

    So she’s really affectionate in private, but not so much at all in public – that’s the hot and cold that I feel. Last night she sent me a message asking if I had finished work at 9pm… I didn’t see her message till 10pm because I finished late. I asked her to come round after I had my meal, and she asked if she could come now. She actually went to my room but I was in my kitchen…

     

     

    However, since she’s accepting my dates, I think I’m really over thinking this.

    #380649
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jack:

    You had two dates with a woman. First date she asked to split the bill, you wanted to pay the whole bill, and you did. She paid for the second date. Red flags were raised in your mind when (1) she told you: “I’m scared of you because I want you too much”, and when you asked her what she meant by it, she repeated:  “Because I want you too much”, (2) you suspect that she is playing you by behaving “hot and cold”, hot being that she is very affectionate with you in private, and cold is that she is not affectionate with you in public.

    I don’t see any of the above as a red flag (a warning of a bad or dangerous situation). Reads like she is physically and emotionally passionate about you, and that, like she told you, she “doesn’t like PDA”, meaning that she is not affectionate with you in public- not because she doesn’t like you, and not because she is being dishonestly manipulative- but because she feels uncomfortable about strangers/ others seeing her being physically affectionate with a man.

    The problem I see is that you and her seem to be very anxious people. This means that there is a need for simple, honest and clear communication between the two of you- it will cut down on your over-thinking, and the two of you will know what to expect from each other, neither one will  there will need to guess about what the other means and wants, and there will be no unpleasantly surprises. There are books and maybe good online resources teaching how to communicate within a romantic relationship.

    anita

    #380651
    Jack
    Participant

    Thanks again @anita,

     

    Yeah, I’m anxious, always have been and especially with girls I like. She has opened up to me to tell me she’s anxious too and overthinks. So you’re probably right, what she said shouldn’t be considered ‘red flags’.

    However the “I’m scared of you because I want you too much” really does bug me.

    Why is she scared? Why is she scared of me in particular?

    Is she worried I’m going to disappear on her or something?

     

    #380652
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jack:

    It looks like the logical interpretation of her sentence is that she is indeed scared of you ending the beginning relationship (“worried I’m going to disappear on her”). I am guessing that in her mind, you are powerful and you can use your power to hurt her by ending the relationship, so she is afraid of you, the powerful  one.

    Last night she didn’t have the patience to come to your place after you finish your meal, “she asked if she could come now“- reads like she formed a strong emotional attachment to you.

    You wrote that she told you that “she’s anxious too and overthinks”- I wonder if she told you more about her anxiety and overthinking, if she is willing to give you more details about her anxiety (?)

    anita

    #380661
    Jack
    Participant

    Hey Anita,

    So some mutual friends wanted to go for dinner tonight, but a few couldn’t make it so they’ve organised it for early tomorrow evening.

    The girl I’m dating suggest 6pm and then 7pm.

    It kind of hurt because it kind of seems like she forgot we’re going out together from 4:30pm.

    This is why I think she’s just playing me. I want to stop overthinking but this is raise all sorts of flags now.

    #380663
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jack:

    The get-together with the mutual friends was agreed to take place at 4:30 pm tomorrow, and then she said something about 6 or 7 pm. What exactly did she say to you about the time, and what did you say to her before and after she said what she said?

    Also, approximately, how old are you and how old is her (in your 20s, younger or older)?

    anita

    #380665
    Jack
    Participant

    I told her a few days ago we’ll head for the date at 4:30pm.  I told her if she was still up for the date tomorrow, before our mutual friends organised the restaurant for tomorrow. That’s why I’m in a bit of a bad mood.

    I’m 26 and she’s 23

    #380666
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jack:

    The date this afternoon for 4:30 pm was cancelled, and a new date set for morrow, she wanted the date to be at 6 or 7PM- I am not understanding the logic behind you thinking she is playing you?

    If she was playing you, what would be her purpose?

    anita

    #380677
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Jack,

    So some mutual friends wanted to go for dinner tonight, but a few couldn’t make it so they’ve organised it for early tomorrow evening.

    The girl I’m dating suggest 6pm and then 7pm.

    It kind of hurt because it kind of seems like she forgot we’re going out together from 4:30pm.

    If I understand well, you’re hurt because the two of you had a date planned for Saturday (today) 4:30 pm. But then the dinner with mutual friends has been moved also on Saturday, and your girlfriend accepted it and suggested it to be first at 6pm, then at 7pm? You believe she forgot that you two are having a date at 4:30pm.

    Perhaps she forgot at first, but then she remembered and suggested rather 7pm, so the two of you still have some time together before the dinner with friends. Or it means your date will be ruined if you have to rush to that dinner?

     

    #380708
    Jack
    Participant

    Hey Anita and TeaK,

    So we actually went on the date yesterday, albeit a little later because we were recovering from a hangover. It went a bit pear-shaped because the bowling center was packed and even the staff couldn’t tell us how long we’d have to wait. So we grabbed some food and walked around the shopping centre. It was fun nevertheless, and there were a lot of cute moments:

    She was touching me quite a bit considering we were in public

    I’ve noticed my arms have gotten slightly bigger from doing 100 push ups a day, and she was touching them

    She rested her head on my chest when we took the tube back

    Bit of a jealousy moment from her too the night before… one of her flatmates is actually a work colleague of mine, and she’s rather flirty with me but I don’t see her that way. The girl I’m dating said “She’s quite close to you isn’t she?”.

     

     

    #380710
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Jack,

    I am glad you had a nice time together, and she even showed some affection in public. Seems very normal and natural how she behaved.

    As for her jealousy, her reaction isn’t too surprising, specially if her flat mate was flirting with you. When she asked you “She’s quite close to you isn’t she?”, she was looking for reassurance that you’re not attracted to that girl and are committed to her. So try to give her that reassurance, and also not flirt back with her flat mate.

    A healthy dose of jealousy is normal. It’s only when it becomes obsessive, if e.g. she would accuse you for no reason, or try to control you so that you can hardly speak to a woman without her getting jealous – that would be problematic.

     

    #380711
    Jack
    Participant

    You’re definitely right TeaK,

    I left my coworker and went to sit next to the girl I’m dating.

     

    She’s gone to the beach with some mutual friends today, I can’t go due to work and we spent almost all day together yesterday, so it’s best we have our space to do our own things

    #380803
    Jack
    Participant

    @anita and @TeaK

    I don’t think I should doubt her feelings anymore, I’ve been an idiot:

    Last night we slept together. Afterwards she ended up telling me she’s “never felt this much pleasure before”.

    Really magical moment because I’ve never heard that from anyone before. Things are so bliss between us, so effortless.

    Also it isn’t the first time we’ve thought of at the same time. It’s a strange feeling.

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