Dear humour,

you are welcome.

I usually don’t get angry easily, yet I will think on the lines you have mentioned, Tee.

Please do, because I don’t think you’re a super laid back person with a thick skin, who isn’t hurt by anything, are you? It sounds more like you are hurt and upset by things, but instead of reacting, you rather suppress those emotions. You don’t like reacting and showing people what you feel (am I right in assuming this?). And binge eating could be a way to soothe yourself, or distract yourself, so that you don’t feel those unpleasant emotions.

I agree with anita that it would help to observe yourself and see what triggers your binge eating episodes…

Actually the split is in my family of origin and it was natural, due to death and my sibling moving out after being marriage.

I see… so the split happened in 2017, when your father died and your sister moved out after she got married? Are you currently living with your mother?

I am looking out for a partner but haven’t been successful on that front.

You’re welcome to share more about it, if you’d like to…

Dear humour:

“Maybe there is more than one reason causing me to binge eat. I am not able to figure it out. I feel hungry most of the time“- hungry for nutrients (protein, carbohydrates, fats, vitamins & minerals) or hungry for a good feeling/ distraction from a bad feeling?

anita

Dear humour,

My mother is very supportive when I am down but I also stand up for myself if there is unreasonable blaming etc.

So she does blame you sometimes? What is she blaming you for, if I may ask?

It could be that your mother needs you as her care-taker, so when you’re down, she wants to make you feel better, and that’s why she is supportive. However, her motive might be to cheer you up, so you can take care of her again.

But when you have needs of your own, she might be blaming you for those needs? She might be supportive conditionally – only when it suits her. Is that what your dynamics look like?

Dear humour,

Actually my mother is healing with me but she has always been strong and supportive and kept the family together.

You said she used to be strong and supportive, but when your father died in 2017, she suddenly became weak and fragile, both physically and emotionally:

My mother has always been a strong lady who took care of all important things around the house but once my father passed on, my mother has grown weak, physically and emotionally. She has grown tender towards me. … I am really worried if I can let go off my mother. … I find it hard to accept the fact that mom could get lonely…

Does it mean that she has returned to her usual strong self in the last 5 years? And that you’re not worried any more about her being lonely and unhappy?

As for binge eating, you said:

I eat healthy food too but I also eat because I crave a good feeling.

Are you perhaps aware of an inner critical voice (the inner critic) which is telling you certain negative things about yourself? For example, “I’ll never be happy”, or “I am such a freak” (both of these is what I’ve been telling myself while suffering from an ED). So what are those thoughts/beliefs that you have about yourself, which sort of run half-consciously in the back of your mind?

Dear humour,

My mother has grown weak with age but she has returned to her usual strong self. She just wants to see me happy.

It’s good to hear your mother has gotten stronger again and “can do without you”, i.e. doesn’t depend on your help. My mother also always said she wants me to be happy, however she criticized me a lot while I was growing up and didn’t have faith in me. So she kind of ruined my capacity to be happy… It took me many years to regain it…

And it’s always like that with childhood trauma – it ruins or severely limits our capacity for happiness. For example, we may feel confused and incapable of knowing what’s good for us. We don’t trust ourselves. I was like that. It came from my mother’s criticism of me, and then later I made some wrong choices, which left me feeling I can’t trust my judgment and I don’t know what is good for me.

It seems that you too have a similar belief about yourself:

I may be falling behind in life, not sure of the choices I have made, little afraid to make choices for the future. Everyone around me seems to be making a lot of progress. I don’t think I have failed but I feel I have not lived upto my true potential.

It seems you too believe that you can’t trust your judgment and that you’re afraid of making choices in the future. Another belief that I see in your words is “I am falling behind, I am worse than others”, which usually boils down to “I am a failure.” I had this belief for a long time too.

My false core beliefs are mostly the consequence of my mother’s heavy criticism, and then my father not protecting me from it, not standing up for me. So I was alone mostly, no one giving me encouragement and support, and no one telling me that I was lovable and worthy. I adopted the belief that I was faulty to my core. And also worthless.

I wonder what your family dynamics was. You did share a little about your family, mostly that yours wasn’t a happy and “normal” family. And that you tried everything to make them happy, but failed. What was your relationship with your mother, i.e. your father when you were a child? Because it defines what messages and false beliefs we adopt about ourselves.

Dear humour,

if you relate to these things, then you too, like me and so many others, are probably suffering from Complex PTSD (C-PTSD), which is another word for childhood trauma. A good book on C-PTSD is “A practical guide to Complex PTSD: Compassionate Strategies to Begin Healing from Childhood Trauma“, by Arielle Schwartz.

Another great book to start with, perhaps a little easier read, is “Running on Empty: Overcome your Childhood Emotional Neglect“, by Jonice Webb.

I did not have any communication with my mother growing up. She used to be very busy. Its only since a few years we talk to each other.

This sounds like you were emotionally neglected by your mother. She was so busy that she didn’t have time for you, not even to talk to you, not to mention meet your emotional needs, such as soothe and calm you down when you’re upset, protect you, cheer you on, praise you, encourage you etc etc. If your mother didn’t really pay attention to you, she couldn’t meet your emotional needs either, and as a result, you couldn’t develop self-confidence and other capacities for happiness…

You said you never went on holidays, never spent time together, never even had a meal together… Was it because both of your parents worked incredibly hard, practically non stop? But even so, how come you never had a meal together?

You also said you wanted to make your family happy. What have you tried to do, which you hoped would make them happy? Of course, if you’d like to share…

Re-posting:

Dear humour:

On Nov 24, 2022, you wrote: “Actually my mother…  has always been strong and supportive“, but the next day, you wrote: “I did not have any communication with my mother growing up. She used to be very busy. Its only since a few years we talk to each other“- being that you are now in your later 30s, it means that all through your childhood, as well as throughout your adolescence, your 20s…and into your 30s, your mother and you did not talk to each other.

Therefore, I figure that she was “always strong and supportive” as far as working and being financially supportive (maybe she worked in another city or country and did not live with you..?), but with no communication between the two of you, you did not receive any emotional support from her whatsoever- for more than 30 years of your life. Perhaps there was no one to hold you when you were growing up, no affectionate physical touch…?

More than 6 years ago, on July 21, 2016, you wrote: “I am finding it hard to concentrate at work because of some personal issues/confusions“. On Jan 14-15, 2017, you wrote: “I do get stress headaches most of the time… for the last 4 years I’ve been depressed… I am in my early 30s. I feel like I am 60. Feeling helpless, confused…I am so confused”, on June 2-26, 2017, you wrote: “I am so confused, scared, worried.. Too much stress and sad memories overall“, and recently, on Nov 8, 2022, you wrote: “I can’t remember the past too well (or maybe subconsciously I choose to forget it – similar to disassociation I guess)”-

– it seems to me that you have suffered from a whole lot of stress for a long, long time, which led to your concentration difficulties, lots of confusion, stress headaches, depression and poor memory.

It is well-known that skin-to-skin touch is vital for babies’ and young children’s development. There are studies that show that children who grow up in orphanages, children who were rarely touched, produced higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol. I wonder if you grew up without a mother, and/ or without adequate physical touch, as well as without adequate emotional support…?

anita