Priscilla,
You are conflicted with showing compassion for your aunt and wanting compassion for yourself as well.
I would like to take the perspective of loving yourself.
You do not want to feel forced to prove your compassion to your aunt by her begging.
It is not compassion when you do it on demand.

You can help your aunt by teaching her to “fish” rather than giving her fish all the time.
There are resources that can assist her I am sure, e.g. churches, social agencies, charties.
You can offer to babysit or drive her to jobs.
You can point her to community college programs that will help her get better paying jobs or even the state employment dept that have programs that assist people.

Insofar as what to say to her. You need to be clear about it within yourself before you set boundaries. If you have guilt or feel conflicted on on what to do then that will come across regardless what you say.

A simple “I’m sorry but no.” without further need to explain yourself may be sufficient. You can offer to help or support in other ways but only if you really want to. You may have to repeat that refusal but no need to elaborate.

Hope that helps.

Mark

Hello Pricilla!

It may be very difficult for you to even “inspire” your aunt to change her mentality. It may no be your place to do so anyway. No matter how delicately you try to change her, she will turn on you once she realizes it and she will be more resistant to change.

However, one way to really help her is to guide or coach her children (as an older, respected cousin) to out grow such mentality. If that’s how their mother is, it is more likely that they will adapt her mentality and attitude. You can be an example to them and show them that they can choose to think differently. Show them that they can choose a different path; a path towards abundance, self respect and self sufficiency. Of course be sensitive enough that when you do this, you do not destroy the children’s respect towards their mother. Nothing good will come out of that.

Here’s a tricky lesson I learned recently: Sometimes people do not need your help nor do they need you to fix them. Sometimes they only need to be loved. And loving someone doesn’t always mean fixing them. Fixing problems for others will rob them of the opportunity to know themselves better and grow.

From what I see, maybe you can also start by gently teaching your aunt to love her self more. When she learns that, she will be more willing to let go of self-defeating thoughts, attitudes and habits.

Nia

My mother had a sister just like this. Our family took her in for several months. It was a miserable experience as she was demanding, selfish, and openly flirted with my father. My parents helped her for years, moving her and paying for her apartments. She had two daughters who never contributed a dime to her support. You can only help people who really want help. You are under no obligation to take care of this woman. If you decide to become involved, she may take advantage of you forever.