he's moving things forward, but still not "bf/gf"

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This topic has 7 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 5 months ago by Moani.

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July 17, 2017 at 12:52 pm #158556

Anonymous
Inactive

Hi,

So I was reading an article that said if he doesn’t introduce you as his gf its a red flag.

Just got me thinking….I have been dating a guy for awhile now and we aren’t boyfriend and girlfriend. We only recently started getting more intimate, so its very slow moving.

I do question if I am being too accommodating and that I should draw the line, because its a little ridiculous we aren’t an item.

But at the same time he is moving us forward pretty quickly, considering the speed that we were going a few months ago.

Am I making a mistake not pushing for a relationship label? I am fine with where we are, but i do have a little voice in the back of my head asking why he hasn’t committed and furthermore wonder if he will.

I went on a 4 day vacation with him and his friends about a month ago, after we got back, I asked him if he wanted to do the boyfriend/girlfriend thing, in a knee jerk reaction he said “yes”then kissed me. but then said “can I think about it for a day?

he never got back to me and I never pushed.

What do you think? Am I being played? Is he afraid? Is he unsure about me or himself? Or do I just need to be like “yes or no”?

July 17, 2017 at 1:49 pm #158698

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Samantha:

Maybe he is a man of his word and he doesn’t commit to a word unless he means it whole heartedly and then he is as dependent and honorable as can be. I don’t know. The speed in which the relationship is moving should be, I am thinking, a result of him and you moving it along, not only him.

The value of a relationship is not in a word or title a person uses, it is about the person using the word or title (or not using it). A dishonest person is always a red flag, no matter the word he/s he uses. A word may or may not be a red flag depending on the person using it.

anita

July 17, 2017 at 1:50 pm #158700

Anonymous
Guest

* didn’t submit correctly…

July 18, 2017 at 5:01 am #158748
Inky
Participant
Hi Samantha,

I wouldn’t worry about it. His friends and family have already pegged you as his girlfriend. You’ve been going out consistently with only each other for a while now. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if people are all like, “How’s yr. GF?” and he responds, “She’s OK.” It would be very adolescent for him to be all, “She’s not my GF! We’re just friends! Why would you think that?!”

When you bring it up as a question and not as a fact, you’re just making it worse.

Have someone ELSE introduce the two of you to a third party. i.e. “Pierre, this is Samantha and her BF Keith.”

If he doesn’t deny (he won’t) then BOOM! Cannon!!

Good Luck,

Inky
- This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Inky.
July 18, 2017 at 5:27 am #158754

Eliana
Participant

Hi Samantha,

I saw a great quote once, I will share it with you..”if you don’t know where you stand, with someone, it’s time to stop standing and walk away”. However, I am not suggesting you “walk away” since your friendship with this man is fairly new. However, it is causing you distress, and I would just be honest with him, and ask him what he thinks of you, and if he sees a future with you.

The reason I say this is because you don’t want to invest more in someone than they are willing to invest with you. If you like him more than a friend, the feelings will continue to frow, you will be investing more emotional energy with him, only to find out, and be very saddened he “just wants to be friends”.

It’s best to find out now. I know it’s a difficult conversation to have, but you deserve to know where you stand with him. Does he have feelings for you? Love? Have you been intimate? Has he introduced you to his parents, friends? Has he mentioned any future events with you? To avoid being dissappointed and more emototionalky invested, it’s best to find out now. It does seem he is scared of something. Or maybe he is not ready for a committed relationship or emotionally available at this time, and you deserve to be with someone who is ready to be in a loving relationship.

July 18, 2017 at 12:11 pm #158824

Anonymous
Inactive

Hi Anita,

Yes I can see what your saying. He is a man of his word for sure. I probably should stop worrying about what he’s doing with things and think solely about what I am going to do with things.

He has introduced me to all his friends…know them and am on a friendly basis with them at this point.

I guess its just a little nerve wracking, so I’m freeking out a bit.

July 18, 2017 at 12:15 pm #158826

Anonymous
Inactive

Hi Inky,

I like your styleeee 😛

Yeah, I think that I’m just freaking out a bit. I basically feel like I’m his girlfriend. We both know each other’s friends, I’m am definitely no secret. It’s just a little weird that he hasn’t made it a thing yet…but maybe I should trust him a bit more than I am and also hold myself accountable for how I view him until he feels compelled to claim me 😛

July 18, 2017 at 6:34 pm #158892

Moani
Participant

Hi Samantha,

As human beings we all want to feel “special” to someone and with that being said we validate that special feeling with a label (bf, gf, wife, husband, etc.) because labels help us to identify with where we stand especially within a relationship; however, labels do not mean that person can be trusted or that said person is in love with you. People get married and still are yet to have problems arise or lack love for another. It is a person’s actions that help define how they truly feel about you.

As you have described your bf, it seems to me that he is not ready to take on the commitment and responsibilities of what it means to be someones exclusive boyfriend. You have to respect his decision and his honesty as an individual. Try not to take his response as a negative or rejection. It is better to get an honest answer rather than him say yes to only give you what you want, but not necessarily mean it in his heart.

I personally allowed myself to stay stuck in a 5 year relationship where my bf only became my bf because that is what “I” wanted. I wanted validation, a label, to feel special to someone and becoming someone’s gf at the time is the only thing that made sense to “me” and so he did it for me. I do not regret this relationship being that we shared many friends, common interest, and I guess you could say young love; however, if I could have went back in time I would of remained his friend a lot longer before taking our relationship to the next level. Although, I was labeled his gf for 5 years he continued to see other people and do his own thing as a single individual would. I did not find out many of his transgressions until after the relationship ended; but one thing I did learn from all of this is to never rush the process of love. To always find validation is self before searching for it in another.

Aloha
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