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His porn habit is hurting me

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  • #145093
    Jessica bolton
    Participant

    I apologize for the length, but a full story is necessary. My fiance and I have been together for almost 2 years. A few months ago, and randomly throughout our time together, the discussion of porn has come up. It was always a short conversation and never too deep, and never directly pertaining to us. A mistake, I realize now. During one of our last conversations, he made the comment that if he wants to watch porn he will simply watch on his computer. This is when my head began to spin with questions. All the common questions. Is he watching a lot, is it me, etc. I wrote him a note, which is a way we communicate fueled topics, about how porn makes me feel.he read it and told me he is uncomfortable talking about it. It’s embarrassing to him. So, with that I knew, he is watching porn and my answers wouldn’t be answered. This is where I made my mistake. I left it go and thought it wouldn’t bother me. Of course it did. And the. I acted terribly. I snooped on his computer. I feel guilt about this, more than. I can explain. And to too it off, I found that he watches almost daily when I am at work. Our sex life is good. But I have noticed frequency changes. Mind you, I am a 39 year old divorced woman that had been marri d 15 years. I understand sexual fluctuations. But now I have it in my head that it is the porn. I have opened Pandora’s box and I cannot close it. I now find myself thinking constantlt, while I am away, is he watchingpien. It hurts, desperately. I work very hard to stay in good shape, be attractive for him, etc. But I do have insecurity issues. Also, to magnify all of this, my ex husband started watching porn a great deal about six months before he begamh having an affair. Granted one man shouldn’t pay for anothers mistakes. But a heart and mind learn lessons. This isn’t a situation where I can say, forget this, I’m out. I love him dearly. I cherish what we have. I also know he loves me deeply. We moved in together about a year and a half ago. Together, we have five children, of which three live with us. I desperately need this to be discussed, but I only know about it for a fact, because I was ignorant and childish. I am so at a loss. I feel like the only way to get this out is to catch him in the act. But that is almost impossible due to him watching when. I am at work. Any adcise would greatly help. Thanks in advamce.

    #145107
    DAVID ROGER KATES
    Participant

    Love is nt sex, or if it is its merely errotic love, youd know the difference.  I do nt personally indulge as I consider it inappropriate to the way in which I wish to love.  Regular romantic love obviously  has a strong sexual contingent, and romantic love is normal.  Its also quite normal to find that which is the most attractive, this has nothing to do with beauty, the most attractive.  To deny that which is in this respect is an act of almost wittingly willing ones accelerated ageing.  It is a fact that we do not grow ever more sexually attractive with the passage of time, and at the same time if you genuinely love someone the priority must be in assisting them to manipulate nature in their favor.  I am only capable of physical world records through my sixties because there is no denial which I have been obliged to implement, and perhaps also because I KNOW that I`m still in my absolute prime of life.  Porn would corrupt/undo my style of love, which is spiritual romantic rather than sexual romantic.  At the same time I hanker for sex, and porn, almost as much as when back there in my teens.  I prefer to redirect these urges, perhaps more especially because my social company is predominantly teenage girls.  I run a sanctuary for them from my home.  Even in their teens I only find about one in every fifty, or so, sexually attractive, so I do understand why it is that some of us kind it necessary to supplement with porn.

    #145139
    John
    Participant

    When you say that the sex frequency changes, are you implying that this is due to his desire, or lack thereof?

    How often does he desire sex when you are not in the mood, or perhaps when it is late at night and you need to rest up for work in the morning?

    Also, what is his work schedule like? If he works in the evening for example when you are just finishing work then maybe there just isnt enough time to connect with you as much as he likes. If most of his free time is during the day when you are at work then it is possible that he turns to porn because you are not around then and it is nothing personal.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by John.
    #145157
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jessica Bolton:

    He told you that “he is uncomfortable talking about it (his porn watching). It’s embarrassing to him.”-

    This means that he is conflicted about watching it, feeling some shame about it. Whenever you bring the subject to him, then, first thing he feels is discomfort and shame and he is not likely not hear a thing you say on the matter.

    It may very well be an addiction of sort on his part, and not an indication that he is about to have an affair. If your purpose is for him to stop watching it, your only chance for success (be it as small as it may be), is to get to a place, in your mind, where you accept it for now. Then you communicate that acceptance to him, acceptance-for-now. This way when you talk to him about it, he doesn’t automatically freeze in distress, and is able to hear you and talk about it.

    anita

    #145173
    Alien incident47
    Participant

    Hello

    The way I see it is to deal with it like you say as with addict is to be open minded about it.  Make him feel comfortable about talking to you about what it is he fantasizes about the sex acts he watches.  Be understanding it will help in breaking his addiction.  You must understand it has nothing to do with you . It’s nothing more than a fantasy he is addicted to . A word of caution is you may be shocked at the type of porn but still be open minded and help him because you love him and good luck

    #145213
    Craig
    Participant

    Hi Jessica,

    Do you think your fiance feels safe being himself in front of you? Where there is secrecy and/or undiscussed but pressing topics of any kind, typically someone does not feel safe. Do you feel safe being yourself in front of him?

    This may not have much to do with porn.

    #145221
    DAVID ROGER KATES
    Participant

    I disagree that there is necessarily a need to break the addiction, for to break the addiction may cause him to lust after situations which he can act upon, and go on to act upon them.  You would then have yourself to blame for this.

    #145399
    Betsy Campbell
    Participant

    Jessica,

    I really understand where you are coming from. I am in the middle of divorce now after being married 17 years (together for 20) and I found out, through a passing comment, that my husband watched porn regularly. Porn itself isn’t an issue when it is a shared activity. But when I found out he was watching it alone as a hobby, I felt completely inadequate. I was absolutely shocked at how bothered I was by it. I am progressive and all about “live and let live.” But the fact is, I will never look, sound or act like those women. This coincided with a drop in our own intimacy for a number of reasons. I never felt comfortable again knowing that (porn) was his standard or even (God forbid) his expectation and, honestly, that was the beginning of the end for us.

     

    I am not suggesting your situation is the same. There were so many other layers to the stinky onion that was my awful marriage, but that was a really difficult one to get over. And truthfully, we never got over it because I never felt like I would measure up to his porn star expectations. You all may be able to work it out. But I thought I would share with you my own experience with that. Because it was incredibly impactful.

     

    Wishing you the best!

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