August 16, 2013 at 8:59 pm #40644christinaParticipant
Hello, I am not really sure where to start, but right now I am at the absolute lowest point of my life. I have felt like I was at the lowest point before, but the difference is that now I have given up all hope. I have always struggled with depression and I have never been truly happy, and recently I tried to better myself and worked very hard for something for 2 years only for it not to work out, which has caused me a great deal of stress and caused me to give up hope for anything ever getting better. Everything I do I seem to mess up somehow. I feel very angry and bitter. I don’t know what to do and I don’t have enough strength left to even care or do anything about it. I have not had a ‘real’ relationship in over 7 years and every relationship I seem to get into is for the wrong reasons and I end up getting my heart broken every time. I have gotten used to the fact that I am alone even though I would want nothing more than to find someone but I don’t think that is ever going to happen, so I had to force myself to accept it and that has also made me angry and bitter. I have found that I am not happy for anything good that happens to people, but rather get angry and jealous which I know is wrong but I think how unfair it is that I am so miserable, even though I have tried so hard to change only for things to always go wrong for me, and things seem to work out so easily for everyone else. I am lonely and miserable and I don’t have any hope of that changing. I don’t know what else to doAugust 16, 2013 at 9:42 pm #40645AnonymousInactive
When I read your post, I thought I wrote that. I am experiencing the exact same things right now. I have depression and I don’t have a family, so it has been very challenging. I am trying to convince myself “don’t give up” “be grateful”, “shift the focus”, but it’s difficult. I feel jealous of my friends too. I shouldn’t ask “why me?”, but I am at the phase where I keep ruminating on negative thoughts.
I’ve tried to become better for the last ten years and I tried almost everything, but I couldn’t recover as I wished.
I would like to hear what you used to enjoy doing when you felt better? Right now I don’t have energy to do anything, but I used to enjoy a lot of things; dancing, flower arrangement, yoga, swimming…. I am not telling you to try to do something, because I know how hard it is, even just to go to kitchen to eat something.August 16, 2013 at 10:03 pm #40647christinaParticipant
Thanks for the reply and I’m sorry you are also going through this. I have family but it would be the same as if I didn’t, I have distanced myself from the majority of them, as most of them are just negative, toxic people and I and I decided it wasn’t healthy to be around them.
The only thing I really liked doing was running. I have tried to get back into it but like you said I just don’t have the desire or energy to do anything.August 17, 2013 at 3:19 am #40650LParticipant
hi Christina, I relate to your story as well. I have just split up from my ex-husband (again) so it has been a difficult couple of years for me. I have again felt like I was at the lowest point in my life over the last couple of months as we were in the same house for 2 months until I could move out. this has been a difficult year for me.
I remember feeling totally stuck back in February, I couldn’t fix anything wrong in my life, couldn’t find new friends, couldn’t get my current friends to go out with me, I felt lost and out of control. but I then realised that I just had to start with something, so I made contact with someone I used to go running with and we met up, it didn’t work out but then I joined a local running club, that hasn’t worked out either in the end so I then joined a dance/yoga class and i’m loving it! it gets me through the week.
I don’t have a lot of good friends, but a few acquaintances that I meet up with once in a while. I am still working on that point, I’ve never been one for many friends. i’m trying to be understanding with myself that I have just been in a long term relationship and it takes time. but I am trying to spend my alone time appreciating myself and doing the things that I enjoy doing and its a nice feeling sitting on my armchair feeling content about the simple pleasure of just being. I still wake up feeling panicky or angry, but its just a process that though it sounds cliché, it gets better with time. I hope this is helpful, I wish you well.August 17, 2013 at 4:20 am #40652KarenParticipant
Hi, as much as it upsetting to hear you go through this, I too feel it could have been me writing that post to some degree. And that realisation that others feel similar to me actually helps. It makes me feel I’m not nuts. I know it can be hard to gather any motivation, so I find starting small can help. It’s by no means easy. I downloaded some guided meditation aps and that’s been helping me reduce anxiety feelings. Push through that feeling of no energy, go for a walk, it really makes a difference.August 17, 2013 at 5:23 am #40653MattParticipant
Christina, moto, L, and Karen,
I’m sorry and deeply empathetic to the difficulties you are going through. It can be a challenge to maintain hope in this world, there are constant reminders why hopelessness makes more sense. So many angry, toxic and empty people. Love fading from peoples lives, including our own. It is tough to find hope!
Luckily for us, we have become aware of the lack of hope and are looking. Too many don’t even have that! The solution is actually far more simple than we can believe at first, so it takes a little faith. We become the hope we wish to see in the world.
It may sound cheesy or “yeah right” but it is true. We have the capacity inside us to generate hope. To dig deep into our hearts and find the spark… the potential seed within that we can nourish and watch grow. Its not magic (or not exclusively magic) but grounded in knowledge of others who have come before us, as well as scientific understandings of the brain.
The short version is we cultivate loving kindness. We begin wishing other people well, praying and focusing on their well being. As we sincerely wish for all people to find happiness, we begin to form a mental habit of wishing others well. So as we begin to encounter people, our thoughts are not “ugh, you are hopeless” but rather “May you be well, happy and peaceful.” We still see their qualities, but our mind responds differently. After a while of having thoughts such as “may you be well, happy and peaceful” we begin to have the feelings associated with them. First we intentionally say them, then we think them, then we feel them. Then we don’t even have to worry about hope, because we see that all people, including ourselves, are just suffering. By wishing us all to be whole and happy, our mind opens up and we become peaceful, hopeful, smooth minded, concentrated and aware.
I say this not from faith or a wild hope for humankind. I know it! I’ve walked it! Consider listening to the following and invest as sincerely as you can. Set aside the big questions if you can, and just try it. Even a week of doing this practice once a day could make a big change. Perhaps only a few moments at first, but the spark should be noticeable. Then eventually, with practice the spark catches flame, the door opens, and we find peace. Then the world looks like a very, very different place.
MattAugust 17, 2013 at 1:14 pm #40665JaydeeParticipant
Christina and all,
I am sorry that you all are going through such a hard time. My heart goes out to you and the suffering you are currently enduring. We all reach those points in our life from time to time, sometimes (many times) worse than the previous time. But I don’t say this to be disheartening. When I have reached these points in my life and I have allowed myself to mourn the loss of my life as I know it, when I look back I see a long train of attempts to try and control my life that inevitably fail. The truth is there is very very little that we can control in this life and that should not be a troublesome thought, it is a thought that can actually embolden us and empower us and here’s how. We’re all familiar and maybe even a little sick of the serenity prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” Perhaps the suffering that we are experiencing, all the regret, bitterness, and anger we are feeling is due to a lot of unmet expectations. That has been the case for me – whether it is the case for you or not, I don’t know – only you can answer that. But instead of fighting fighting fighting working harder and harder and harder to try and keep the good things in your life and the bad things out – just allow and accept the coming and going of both the good and bad without the clinging, without the aversion. Let go of the expectations. Let go of the idea of “fairness” or “unfairness”. I know that seems scary – it’s very scary for me to accept things – especially the bad things. But we will feel so much better and so much more at peace. The war in our minds and your bodies stops – because you have stopped feeding it. We have taken away the guns, taken away the bombs. Let go. Accepted. Without the anger, without the bitterness. This is the magic and serenity that comes with surrender. Try saying, “ok, whatever happens – happens! There is very little I can do about it one way or the other” The flipside of this is that there ARE things we can do right now. Perhaps getting out and going for a run – though difficult at first, once we do it we think, “ahhhh, I’m so glad I’m out here in the fresh air moving my body! It feels so good to move, to feel alive!” Typically the things that we can actually do are the small things. The seemingly insignificant things. They won’t get rid of the bad memories, they won’t get rid of the broken dreams, completely remove the sadness, the despair. But doing those small things will make a world of difference for us personally and RIGHT NOW in this very moment. It will restore our faith in ourselves. It will restore self-respect. Self-love. Doing metta meditations is probably one of the best ways to do it, that I know of. It will not guarantee that the future will go just as we want it but it will bring us peace. “God helps those who help themselves”. It’s true and I’ve needed to hear that so many times when I’ve fallen into despair, bitterness, and anger.
May these words bring you comfort and well-being,