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How autism works when it comes to feelings and relations

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  • #402358
    Anna
    Participant

     Regardless, some people’s memories are significantly poorer than others’, for various reasons.

    True but in his case, if I am being harshly honest with myself, I know he refuses confrontation, it’s a mix between his personality and a strong cultural trait. He also practices denial as I’ve never seen before. I use as proof the first time I asked him his age: he didn’t respond at first and I thought it was because he didn’t hear me, turns out that he was just ignoring my question, as he said afterwards. He is the kind of person who would prefer makeup his mind about a situation rather than admit he was actually wrong.

    We had a conversation a few weeks ago about regrets. I told him, what is the point of keeping things for yourself? It’s better to say sorry than feeling that you missed out something. Regrets don’t make someone wiser, they actually make you less and less able to be brave and honest about yourself. They stop you from living what you wish to to live, they stop you from daring being happy and on top of that, make you doubt even more about people’s intentions. That was my point. To which he said: “regrets teach me life lessons, it’s because I have a lot of regrets from my past that I understand, that I can be more cautious.”. So basically, he would rather live with those regrets for the rest of his life, continuing to feel nostalgic about the past. He even told me after the breakup, I remember “if I lose you, I will most likely realize how much I actually care for you”.

    Jesus, I just realized how much I buried from our conversations during the breakup phase. It’s actually good for me to write all over again about this situation, because it reminds me exactly why I keep feeling this way for him, why i felt that so many things were so off in his reasoning. I mean, I don’t pretend that my thoughts are the best universally speaking, but I don’t think that I have masochists patterns like this. I may be overthinking at some point, but I know for a fact that once I felt that I dug enough, I will not come back and will not feel regrets about anything, because I know I did all I could to understand and fix everything.

    you thought at the time, after two years of therapy, that your issues in regard to your mother were resolved, but seems like the issues with her were transferred (as I suggested this to you on Oct 22, 2021) to your romantic relationships in some major ways, no?

    Yes definitely. Although with this guy, it seemed that the situation was very different, he was very caring, he listened to me a lot talking about my issues, he spent so much time making me feel good, reassuring me when I was stressing over, he did that so naturally, before we realized that we wanted to be together. Him caring so deeply and without asking for something in exchange, that was one of the reason why I fell in love with him.

    But it seems like something deeper was still buried in me.. To be fair, I don’t really know what, because I don’t have much contacts with my mother anymore for the past 6/7 months.

    #402359
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anna:

    I know he refuses confrontation… He also practices denial as I’ve never seen before… he said: ‘… it’s because I have a lot of regrets from my past that I understand, that I can be more cautious.”. So basically, he would rather live with those regrets for the rest of his life” – I didn’t interpret from what he said that he would rather live with his regrets for the rest of his life. Maybe, just maybe… you misinterpret some of what he says..?

    I asked you if you thought that after two years of therapy, you thought that our issues in regard to your mother were resolved, BUT those issues transferred to your romantic relationships, and you answered: “Yes definitely. Although with this guy, it seemed that the situation was very different, he was very caring, he listened to me a lot talking about my issues…. before we realized that we wanted to be together. Him caring so deeply and without asking for something in exchange, that was one of the reason why I fell in love with him. But it seems like something deeper was still buried in me.. To be fair, I don’t really know what, because I don’t have much contacts with my mother anymore for the past 6/7 months” –

    – I understand better why you fell in love with him. Unfortunately, the relationship with him deteriorated shortly after you started dating. I wonder what changed shortly after you started dating. I wonder if this sentence (in your original post) reveals something about what happened: “Physically speaking, it worked amazingly well, we were both very demanding”? (I don’t understand what you mean by “demanding”).

    anita

    #402362
    Anna
    Participant

    argh, my post is awaiting for moderation, I guess it was because I c/c a link lol. It will be moderated soon i hope!

    #402364
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anna:

    If you have a record of what you sent, you can re-send it without the link, describing what’s in the link instead (I normally don’t open links anyway).

    anita

    #402365
    Anna
    Participant

    No unfortunately I didn’t c/c my post.. the link was just to support my argument and to demonstrate that my quote didn’t come out of nowhere haha. I am quite tired now, it’s almost midnight in Europe so I don’t really have the energy to re-write everything.. I hope it will get approved by tomorrow, I take that as a sign to log off and have a good night haha. I wish you a good day or a good night depending on where you live Anita!

    #402370
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anna:

    It is 2:40 pm where I am at (U.S.), 1o hours earlier than the time in Europe. I will look for your approved post when it appears. Good night, Anna!

    anita

    #402361
    Anna
    Participant

     I didn’t interpret from what he said that he would rather live with his regrets for the rest of his life. Maybe, just maybe… you misinterpret some of what he says..?

    I don’t think so, we talked a lot about regrets and how we managed them. For him regrets were part of his life lessons, he has a lot from his past, he told me that all those regrets actually were part of the reasons why he had sleep troubles. Like I know he never fell asleep before somehow 2/3:00 am despite having long and hard day working. He has a lot of unsolved issues due to the fact that he never faced them, he knows that in many situations he could have acted differently, our relation isn’t an exception to this I am sure. He told me: fears are based onto past and experiences and it makes people take decision they will regret, when obviously talking about me and him.

    It’s not like he would prefer to live with his regrets for the rest of his life, I would say it’s more about being very defeatist and not having enough will to fight for what he truly wants maybe?

     

     I wonder if this sentence (in your original post) reveals something about what happened: “Physically speaking, it worked amazingly well, we were both very demanding”? (I don’t understand what you mean by “demanding”).

    Oh by demanding I meant that we had a very strong libido haha. So this is also why I didn’t get why he broke up. We built up a strong emotional connection much prior starting to date and once we were dating, physically speaking, as I said, it was really amazing, so the physical and sexual attraction were well present. To be fair, we both knew we could rely on each other, we proved it many times, we also proved that we genuinely trusted the other by confessing so much about each other’s life. He told me a lot about his past, how heavy life has been for him, his expectations for the future. The ultimate proof of how strong was our bound, was when he confessed to me his will to go to Spain from July to November/December. I was the very first person he said it. Again,  even before dating, we were also very closes physically, touching the other every time we had the opportunity for, holding hands to warm up etc. At this point it was obvious that we were also emotionally attracted to each other. How could something between us not working in this set up?

    According to this website (https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/relations/what-is-romantic-attraction-how-to-recognize-and-better-understand-it/), here are some parts of the definition of romantic attraction:

    “If you’re together with someone, how can you tell if the person is romantically attracted to you? There is no straight answer, as everyone has different signs of romantic attraction towards persons that fit their preferences. Here are a few general signs of it, though:

    • You’ll feel an emotional connection. In other words, you’re attracted to them as a person and not because of their body. You like their imperfections, opinions, mannerisms, and so on. While physical attraction is still important in a relationship, your emotional connection is more important.
    • You like them for their personality. While friendships and even sexual relationships can be based on personality too, a romantic relationship brings personality above anything else.
    • You like hearing their opinions. Even if you disagree, hearing this person out makes you happy.
    • You just want to be physically close to them all the time, even if the feeling isn’t exactly sexual. Sometimes you just want to cuddle up to someone.What Causes Romantic Attraction?

      Unlike sexual attraction, which can occur simply by someone seeing someone that fits their preferences, and sexual chemistry, which can form as early as meeting someone for the first time, romantic attraction is more involved and can take some time to develop.

      Romantic attraction occurs when someone finds an emotional connection with another person, and this can include appreciating their personality, valuing their opinions, and looking to them for support.

    Hence my question: was the romantic attraction really missing in our story?

     

    I wonder what changed shortly after you started dating:

    He is the kind of person who needs to feel that he is fits into someone’s expectations and world. As I said, we both came from two different universes. I didn’t care but I knew we were very opposites here. He wasn’t aware that I was from a wealthier environment (and why would he be aware anyway, why one should care from which social class the one they love comes from). I am a straight A student, he is a drop out university. Despite him and me being perfectly aware of his situation which was temporary, I know he felt that he couldn’t fit in my world (“being around those people, here, remind me of what I don’t have and can’t afford to have” he once told me during a date).

    I think what changed was him realizing in which kind of world I was living in. Really. Many times he made me understood that he felt useless (“maybe for once, I could teach you something”). The difference between having me as a friend and having me as his lover is that in the first case, despite our social differences, he wouldn’t feel that he had to over-compensate (by being extra-communicative, more present physically, always be on top of his form) in order for me to keep appreciating him. Because in the second case, I think that he felt if he didn’t over-compensate these ways, then what could he offer to someone who has everything already and him nothing?

    He told me that for him the perfect set-up was back in February when we were just “friends”, but not, we weren’t friends in February, we were in this very hard-flirting phase, always together, always touching and looking after each other. I think it was perfect for him, because he knew we had something special, yet, he didn’t feel like he had to drop out his emotional walls completely.

    I genuinely think that I wasn’t the one he rejected but himself. He felt vulnerable around me. He once wrote to me “when I was a child, I was praised for my intelligence and skills, yet emotionally neglected”. It took me many years of therapy to understand that opening up about my past, talking about my scars, would not push away the people who genuinely care for me. But what about him, is he aware that me seeing his flaws, his past didn’t push me away but on the contrary made me feel even closer to him?

    #402373
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anna:

    Your post was approved sooner than I expected. Because you are (or should be) in bed and because I am tired, I will read and reply either in a few hours or Tues morning my time (in about 15 hours from now).

    anita

    #402380
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anna;

    “being around those people, here, remind me of what I don’t have and can’t afford to have” he once told me during a date… ‘maybe for once, I could teach you something’….  what could he offer to someone who has everything already and him nothing” –

    “‘Romantic attraction occurs when someone finds an emotional connection with another person, and this can include appreciating their personality, valuing their opinions, and looking to them for support.’ Hence my question: was the romantic attraction really missing in our story?”-

    -This is my best guess at this point: he did experience a romantic attraction to you. It was not missing until it dissolved for him when his connection with you meant, like you suggested, a connection with his perceived inadequacies, flaws and troubling past.

    “I genuinely think that I wasn’t the one he rejected but himself… is he aware that me seeing his flaws, his past didn’t push me away but on the contrary made me feel even closer to him?”- if in the context of his relationship with you he rejected  himself, it means that he moved  farther away from himself within the relationship than he was before the relationship. Your felt and expressed closeness to him could not possibly make up for his increased, distressing distance from himself.

    He was sexually and otherwise attracted to you (“we had a very strong libido haha. So this is also why I didn’t get why he broke up”), but feeling inadequate is not sexy, and dating you… he felt inadequate=.Unsexy=.Unromantic.

    Again, I am sorry that things turned out this way.

    anita

    #402398
    Anna
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for your answer.

    Would that mean that for him rebounding with that girl so quickly was also a way to reassure himself about his condition? Because in this context, I can’t imagine how low his self-esteem must has been, breaking up not because you didn’t get along with the person but simply because you felt inadequate.

    I really wondered why he chose her over me while he has known her much longer before me. He knew they had a sort of chemistry between the two of them since the beginning. So if at the end he just ended up choosing her, if she was really his first choice, why then dating me? I mean, he told me that since the first weeks we have known each other, he was kind of hoping that something would happen but didn’t expect too much. But again, we started to really talk only around November/December.

    Could it be a fair guess if I said she made him feel more confident about himself but not necessarily in a good way? Our university and the student residence where we all live being a fairly small world, it happens that I know who she is and what she looks like. And she is the total opposite of who I am or even another girl he used to have a crush on, 1/2 years ago, physically and mentally.  She is younger than him, she is also a board member of another association but according to one of my friends who works there, she is not really appreciated by the people who tend to find her “weird” (and I think it’s pretty obvious when looking at this association events’s pictures on social medias, all the board members take pictures with each other but never with her, unless it’s an official one where everyone must be present). She is never invited to parties, she doesn’t have friends either. In other words: she is socially very left-out and doesn’t come from a wealthy environment at all. To be honest, she doesn’t seem like a bad person at all, most likely like someone who wants people to genuinely pay attention to her.

    Either way, I can’t stop myself from thinking that was very dumb of him, we both knew we were genuinely happy together and very compatibles. Him dating her right after me while in a first place choosing me over her, kinda proves me a point: if it was the other way around, me being from a lower class, having less social skills, being less what I am in general, he would have stayed with me. How in 2022, a man (or rather a BOY) can think of a successful woman as a threat for his ego? Let’s be real, at the end, he went for her because she makes him feel better than me about his condition in general. He could have had “feelings” for her because she didn’t make him feel inadequate. He didn’t have to make any specific efforts to please her (1/2 weeks of talking and bam, they were dating while before they never officially interacted nor met up (except in a classroom or during official representations, what I mean here, is never meet up nor interact on a personal basis)).

    I can’t believe he also thought that we could just go back at the situation we were right prior to date, February was the month we were flirting ALL THE TIME. We were all over each others, being together all day and all night long. For a very longtime I really wondered how the situation could have changed so fast while when we started to date it was just so obvious that it was the most logical path for the two of us to take. Why do I feel like for him I was at the end someone he wished to be with yet he didn’t feel worth enough and once he had a chance he just.. panicked and screwed everything? I promise you Anita, I can sens from miles away, the same situation than with my other ex, will happen in a few months. It’s not a question of compatibility but rather a question of ego at the end.

    I’m still so mad at him for ruining something which was so good just because. The guy I’m seeing now, he’s amazing but I know something between me and him was blocking me. Turns out that it was the other guy for whom I still have feelings unfortunately. Don’t get me wrong, I really like the one I’m dating now. He’s amazing, ambition-wise, we are at the same level, we come from the same social environment, he knows what he wants etc. But.. I am not emotionally connected as much as I was with the other one. I can’t stop myself from thinking that something is definitely missing. And this is also why I’m so mad at him. How one could choose his ego over such a strong emotional and physical connection

     

    #402411
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anna:

    You are welcome.

    “Would that mean that for him rebounding with that girl so quickly was also a way to reassure himself” – I don’t know the exact motivations in his mind and heart in regard to getting together with her and I don’t know anything really about his interactions with her, their talks and whatnot. I am guessing that the universal motivation of sex applies here, as well the universal need to feel better generally.

    “I can’t imagine how low his self-esteem must has been, breaking up not because you didn’t get along with the person but simply because you felt inadequate” – he broke up with you so to feel better about himself, or so to stop feeling badly about himself. I am guessing that he is not thinking much about why he broke up with you.. he just wants to feel better, that’s all.

    “If she was really his first choice, why then dating me?” – maybe it was about her choice: maybe she wasn’t interested at first. Or, maybe certain circumstances came to be after dating you (ex., it so happened that they attended the same party and it so happened that they shared a cab together after the party) that didn’t happen before. Things happen more randomly than you think, seems to me.

    “Could it be a fair guess if I said she made him feel more confident about himself but not necessarily in a good way?…  she is the total opposite of who I am…she is not really appreciated by the people who tend to find her ‘weird’ … She is never invited to parties, she doesn’t have friends either. In other words: she is socially very left-out and doesn’t come from a wealthy environment at all” – IF she looks up to him and thinks well of him, and does not challenge him.. if she doesn’t ask him questions that he feels uncomfortable with, I see the attraction he may have for her. I don’t think that the dry facts (her lack of friends and wealth) attract him, I think that it’s more likely her attitude that attracts him,.

    “if it was the other way around, me being from a lower class, having less social skills, being less what I am in general, he would have stayed with me” -depending on the attitude: if you were an arrogant “lower class, having less social skills” person, that would be a turn off for him, I imagine.

    “He didn’t have to make any specific efforts to please her” – did you express to him, when in the relationship with him, directly or indirectly, that he had to make specific efforts to please you, and if so, what were those specific efforts?

    “Why do I feel like for him I was at the end someone he wished to be with yet he didn’t feel worthy enough…I really like the one I’m dating now. He’s amazing, ambition-wise, we are at the same level, we come from the same social environment… But.. I am not emotionally connected as much as I was with the other one. I can’t stop myself from thinking that something is definitely missing” –

    – what if.. what if what is missing is not entirely his self esteem, but your self esteem: what if your self esteem is tied to your higher social class, to your family wealth, to your professional prestige and social connectedness; what if this is your attitude and it shows.. (while all along what you truly crave is “a strong emotional and physical connection”)?

    anita

    #402417
    Anna
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for your answer.

    I am guessing that the universal motivation of sex applies here, as well the universal need to feel better generally

    Yeah that makes sens, I mean, I did that in the past in order to feel better about another relation which ended up poorly. I don’t know, in my case it didn’t feel that it was the best way, to rebound so quickly with someone right after a breakup, unless all I wanted was a casual fling. I don’t know, maybe it’s me but I don’t get how we could create a genuine emotional bond with someone else that fast.

    IF she looks up to him and thinks well of him, and does not challenge him.. if she doesn’t ask him questions that he feels uncomfortable with, I see the attraction he may have for her. I don’t think that the dry facts (her lack of friends and wealth) attract him, I think that it’s more likely her attitude that attracts him

    Yet he also broke up with her. But I don’t get in which ways I would have challenged him to be honest. The only time I asked him if we could talk, was when I felt something was off between me and him. Otherwise, I don’t know, I was just like yeah, let it be. I never told him before about those doubts and all of those questions I had about me and him, I talked about this with some friends. I just wanted to clear out things with him, for real. Never ever I asked him to justify himself about whatever he did with his life; i even told him many times that he didn’t owe me anything, everything I did when we were together I did because I wanted to.

    Despite our differences, if I only thought bad things about him, I wouldn’t have fell in love with him either, if I was that arrogant, I would be paying much more attention to details such as social backgrounds and whatever. Ever since the breakup, I’ve spent a fairly huge amount of time telling him that his personality, his kindness, his intelligence, his reliability were some of the qualities I admired the most with him. And that despite his fears, I admired him for being able to always be present for the people he cared.

    did you express to him, when in the relationship with him, directly or indirectly, that he had to make specific efforts to please you, and if so, what were those specific efforts?

    NO-THING. And that’s the point, I told him ever since the beginning that him, being himself, was what attracted me so much and that I just wanted to be around him because his natural presence made me feel comfortable. Me and him staying in bed all day long or going to whatever events, for as long as it was with him, everything would be awesome for me. I even told him he could decide for whatever he wanted to do and I would follow his lead. I know he needs a lot of alone time, I know he likes to spend time with his friends and the day after he usually needs a cooldown. I told him, I’m the same so really, don’t feel as you had a pressure to communicate all the time with me because I would feel super stressed too.

    You know what? He realized that we were both from different social environments ONE week after we started dating and 6 months after we met for the first time. He told me yeah no, I didn’t know you were this kind of person because you come to this student pub and you know, it’s not really known to target the fanciest people in town, also you didn’t look like one of them. He realized it because I started talking a little bit more about my past, not because of my attitude. I promise you Anita, I know I have rich kid attitude in many ways, but never ever I would date someone or be friend with someone and then looking down at them just because why not.

    When we had to buy some grocery stuffs, I didn’t mind being the one paying for because I knew it would be complicated for him to afford some things, obviously I didn’t say it loud, but for me it just came naturally.

    what if.. what if what is missing is not entirely his self esteem, but your self esteem: what if your self esteem is tied to your higher social class, to your family wealth, to your professional prestige and social connectedness; what if this is your attitude and it shows.. (while all along what you truly crave is “a strong emotional and physical connection”)?

    I don’t get this part? Which attitude? I mean, nobody know about me and my social background, I choose to stay extremely private about myself and I carefully choose the information I display. And he was the only one among those people who actually knew about my social background as it seemed more fair for me to be honest about my life with the one I wanted to be with, I don’t feel ashamed about it, it may be hard to imagine it through those messages, but I really don’t over-do in real life lol. He doesn’t even know that I actually have two identities because of some protocols, nobody actually knows about this part of my life. Our first date happened in a park, on a random bench with random foods we bought in a random supermarket.. I talk more openly about these part of my life here on this forum because at the end of the day I know my real identity will stay hidden

    After, obviously my self-esteem is extremely tied to my social class, this is how I was raised, like the rest of the people from this side of the society, it’s unfortunate for sure, but I can’t deny where I come from. I can hide it, but this is also my core education, as much as I hate this class, this is also a huge part of me which would be very stupid of me to deny. I am not ashamed, I may not like it that much but I don’t feel that I am in conflict. Modesty isn’t my best quality for sure, but I also genuinely think that I shouldn’t be hiding this side of me with someone I plan to stay on a longterm basis. If I accept someone’s differences and flaws, why then it couldn’t be reciprocate? But again, I don’t care about from which social classes people come from, I don’t care about degrees, grades and whatever. If it was really the case, I would have been extremely alone in my world. I want to see people for what they truly are and I want them to see me for what I truly am.

    I think it’s easy for people to see your qualities, to think they like you for your good sides. But for me, seeing and acknowledging someone’s flaws and weaknesses, yet choosing to stay with this person, this is the real proof of love. I got interested when I saw his qualities which are numerous but I fell in love when I saw him accepting to drop his walls around me

    #402422
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anna:

    You are always welcome, Anna. It’s interesting and a pleasure to communicate with you.

    “to rebound so quickly with someone right after a breakup…  I don’t get how we could create a genuine emotional bond with someone else that fast” – a superficial connection is comfortable for many people who have had an uncomfortable experience with deep connection.

    Yet he also broke up with her. But I don’t get in which ways I would have challenged him to be honest… Never ever I asked him to justify himself about whatever he did with his life; I even told him many times that he didn’t owe me anything, everything I did when we were together I did because I wanted to” – oh, I forgot that he broke up with her as well and I understand that you didn’t challenge him before you felt that there was something off between you and him.

    “NO-THING. And that’s the point, I told him ever since the beginning that him, being himself, was what attracted me so much and that I just wanted to be around him because his natural presence made me feel comfortable… I know he needs a lot of alone time, I know he likes to spend time with his friends…  I told him, I’m the same so really, don’t feel as you had a pressure to communicate all the time with me” –

    – this is amazing: you tried to love him in the opposite way to how your mother “loved” you. She was “extremely perfectionist, never happy” with you, “always try to find something to criticize… kind of control freak” (Oct 22, 2021) and you loved this guy the way you wish you were loved: being accepted and approved of for just being you, for your “natural presence”!

    Maybe you are so angry with him because he didn’t appreciate what you gave him, what would have made such a big difference in your life if you received it early in life (?)

    “He realized that we were both from different social environments ONE week after we started dating and 6 months after we met for the first time. He told me yeah no, I didn’t know you were this kind of person… you didn’t look like one of them. He realized it… not because of my attitude… I don’t get this part? Which attitude?” –

    – I figure that there was no expressed attitude because he didn’t notice it SIX MONTHS after meeting you for the first time.

    “I promise you Anita, I know I have rich kid attitude in many ways… Obviously my self-esteem is extremely tied to my social class, this is how I was raised, like the rest of the people from this side of the society… Modesty isn’t my best quality for sure, but I also genuinely think that I shouldn’t be hiding this side of me with someone I plan to stay on a long term basis. If I accept someone’s differences and flaws, why then it couldn’t be reciprocate?” –

    -so you have a rich kid attitude in many ways, and you perceive it as a flaw?

    anita

    #402489
    Anna
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Sorry for my late reply, I wasn’t feeling very good and I had some meetings since yesterday..

    a superficial connection is comfortable for many people who have had an uncomfortable experience with deep connection.

    I actually ended up having this conclusion about him, but again, to be fair, I don’t see how it could have been an uncomfortable experience; it’s not like we were mentally abusives, toxics, control freaks. It feels the other way around, for once in our lives, we were finally able to be open about who we were. Me and him, we genuinely trusted each other. We had plans and as we are both very fond of writing (one of his bigger dreams is to become an author and I used to be myself one and a journalist as well), we even started to write a novel together, it was pure imagination and pure creativity where we just freed our minds from everything which intoxicated us. On a personal level, I even felt that our two styles combined formed something extremely interesting; we both have the same references and the same literature tastes (Lovecraft being our master haha).

    Which is also why I am so mad at him, we had a strong creative potential, we were on our way to make something really good for the two of us, because we were planning to write this novel for a writing contest. When I said that our relation was really fantastic on all the levels, I also talk about this, we fueled each other’s creativity and we used it to produce something extremely positive: him because he finally found his missing inspiration and me because I finally overcame my writer blocking.

    I am mad at him for rebounding so fast with someone else because I am aware of everything we had together, of everything we did in such a short amount of time. I am mad at him for breaking up because he couldn’t overcome his fears and it destroyed his feelings for me, I am mad at him because I know he couldn’t have this emotional connection we had together with this girl, yet he chose to be with her. I am mad at him because he once told me that “if you don’t make the effort to know me, then I am not the kind of guy you want to date in a first place”: I know he is/was looking for a genuine and deep emotional connection where someone would love him for what he is, someone who would see behind his appearance. I am mad at him because I am sure that for him, if we stayed friends, I wouldn’t run away from him because he didn’t feel worth of being loved (all these sentences about him feeling useless, him telling me that he felt he couldn’t reciprocate my energy etc). I am mad at him because we saw each other for what we truly are, yet, when I thought he accepted me for what I was, he.. rejected me. And it grosses me out so much, just the thought of him being with someone else, doing these things we used to do, sleeping with her.

    oh, I forgot that he broke up with her as well and I understand that you didn’t challenge him before you felt that there was something off between you and him. Maybe you are so angry with him because he didn’t appreciate what you gave him, what would have made such a big difference in your life if you received it early in life (?)

    I didn’t even necessarily challenge him, once I started to feel that something was off with him, I asked him if we could talk, he clearly avoided me, I didn’t even understand why. One week later, I learned that he was seeing that girl, it just got worse and worse and I couldn’t have this conversation about what I felt off because I obviously had other things in mind. And when I asked him why he was avoiding me, he told me yeah no, I thought you were going to talk about the situation and I genuinely think that we have nothing left to say. I don’t even understand why he thought I was going to talk about this, and even if I wanted to, he could have simply told me by message that he felt that he didn’t want to talk about this anymore. Instead, he just avoided me, like WHY. I just wanted to tell him that we should piece ourselves because our attitudes towards each other was extremely weird for me.

    I think what makes me very angry is the fact that I accepted him who he was, his good sides but also his downs. I did my best to offer him the emotional support and the appreciation he was looking for. I know he reciprocated it a lot, making me feel better about myself. And I think the worse is that when I sent him this supportive message after I was made aware of him not feeling good because of a particular situation (which he told me personally about and asked me for advices), he didn’t answer to it because he felt that nothing good would come from answering it. How on Earth, answering a simple supportive message would be more dangerous than staying around me in real life??????

    -so you have a rich kid attitude in many ways, and you perceive it as a flaw?

     

    I don’t perceive it as a flaw, but with time and experience, I realized that not everyone was comfortable with individuals from a different social class. Since it’s easier for me to “hide” and because I don’t want people to think that I am a show-off, I try as much as possible to adapt myself those I am around. Although, as I said, I can hide but, in many ways, it will be seen once people start hanging out with me on a regular basis. I think this is really sad that I don’t care about social classes, money and those kind of things when it comes to my personal relations, as you said, I want deep and genuine emotional connections, which makes me feel closer to people who don’t come from wealthy environment, I don’t have to play an act (which sounds ironic when I just said before that I “hide”) because I can simply be myself.

    I really hate the fact that he felt so bad about our financial differences, because I am sure at 99,9% it was the real reason why he broke up and convinced himself that he didn’t have feelings for me. I mean, I got that combined with his low self-esteem, his current life, it didn’t help. But why refusing to be happy? Why refusing to accept that someone genuinely love him? Does he know what loving someone and being loved actually mean? I have some much doubts about this. He told me that his parents divorced because after two children they realized that they actually didn’t want to be together..

    #402502
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anna:

    “we even started to write a novel together, it was pure imagination and pure creativity where we just freed our minds from everything which intoxicated us… we fueled each other’s creativity and we used it to produce something extremely positive… I finally overcame my writer block… we saw each other for what we truly are” –

    – I don’t know to what extent (and it is often the case when it comes to romantic love), but I am confident that you do not see him as he truly is. I think that part of what you see in him is your imagination and creativity; I think that you produced someone, a combination of who he is and who you imagine him to be.

    I just noticed that the title of your first thread is “A depressed boyfriend”, your second thread’s: “How autism works…”, you’ve been trying to explain each boyfriend’s emotional withdrawal from you as a product of (1) his mental illness, and (2) his very low self-esteem, that he is thinking that he does not deserve you.

    I would like to develop the above two points further Thurs morning (in about 14 hours from now, when I am not as tired as I am now).

    anita

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