Dear Anna,

Just to answer quickly; yes there was those physical touches again and when he disappeared that wasn’t to be with her but because he completely shut down because of some issues which happened and because of some talks we had me and him.

Yes we did [exchange messages in the second half of April], because that was at that time I was made aware of what happened in his life and that he reached me out to ask for my advices and such.

So you are saying that he disappeared in the second half of April because something happened in his life, some difficulty due to which he withdrew from social life (working at the pub, going to parties and suchlike) and stayed mostly in his room? During that time, he reached out to you via messages and asked for your advice in the problem he was dealing with. So he didn’t really withdraw/shut down from you, but only from social life? Am I understanding this right?

You also say another reason he withdrew in April was because he had some talks with you. Are you saying that those talks – in which you were trying to help him with your advice – made him shut down, even towards you? Or those talks made him shut down only towards the world?

Sorry for asking a lot of questions, but I would like to have as clear a picture as possible, to be able to give you meaningful feedback.

Dear Anna,

His issues in April were about some stuffs with one of his associations, it dealt directly with some people I knew as well. Hence why he reached me out, we even once spent 5 (!!) hours talking about it. A few days after this convo, I was made aware he didn’t feel good, so I sent him a message to cheer him up, to which he told me a few weeks later that he didn’t answer because he felt that nothing good would come from answering it (???).

[this is what you wrote on June 30, 2022] The two first weeks after the breakup he was always around me and if during our first 5h of conversation I didn’t insist of the two of us taking our distance for my own sake, he would have kept being around me.

Okay, so the 5-hour long conversation that you had after the breakup (on April 8) was actually initiated by him to talk about a student association that he belonged to. But then it turned into this marathon convo where you talked about your relationship too, his reasons for breakup etc, right?

You wrote about it before – you mentioned that that’s when you confronted him about that girl for the first time, because you’ve heard rumors that he cheated on you. He assured you that nothing happened, but that there is chemistry between them and that he kept his distance out of respect for you.

During that same conversation, you talked about your relationship and the reasons for breakup:

 He finally admitted some important things: 1) he was scared that he lost me for nothing because he was simply overthinking and that he actually had feelings for me 2) it was more about him thinking he couldn’t reciprocate my energy 3) he wanted to stay friends with me, but I told him that it wouldn’t be possible, not when so much feelings were involved… At the end, we both ended up crying a lot.

As it turns out from you latest post, he shut down after that conversation and stopped communicating with you:

A few days after this convo, I was made aware he didn’t feel good, so I sent him a message to cheer him up, to which he told me a few weeks later that he didn’t answer because he felt that nothing good would come from answering it (???).

This tells me that he didn’t feel good about the conversation – most probably about the part where you talked about your relationship and the reasons for breakup – and he chose not to answer. As much as you might have given him useful advice about his student association problem, I believe that the other part he found unhelpful and didn’t want to engage in it.

I will try to explain why I believe that. Please bear with me… What you concluded from this 5hr long conversation was that 1) he didn’t want to lose you and that he still has feelings for you, and 2) that the main reason for breakup was that he couldn’t match you energy. Originally, on April 3, he told you that the reason for breakup is that he doesn’t feel romantic attraction to you. But you didn’t accept it, you questioned it, you also questioned it here on the forum, explaining why it cannot possibly be that he didn’t feel romantic attraction.

So when you spoke again, on April 8, I can imagine (I am not claiming anything, but just see it as a possibility) that you pressured him again to explain why exactly he broke up with you because it cannot be the lack of romantic attraction. You also said here on your thread that he is a slower thinker than you and has some autistic tendencies. You also believed that both he and you are broken, dysfunctional, but that he specifically feels inadequate and not good enough for you (the latter is what you wrote him in your last message, before you blocked him).

So if you approached him (I am not saying you did, just speculating) – if you approached him with an attitude that you know better than him why he left you, and that he is confused and overthinking, and that most likely the reason why he wanted to break up with you is that he feels inferior to you – then this might have felt quite unpleasant for him. He might have felt pressured to accept an explanation which suits you, but which wasn’t really true for him. He might have even started to question himself and got confused about what he actually wanted to break up with you and whether this is the right thing to do.

So if this is what happened in that conversation, and if your tendency was to override his feelings with your own explanations – I can imagine it made him feel very bad about himself. So bad that he would shut down and stay in his room. And when you asked him what’s up a few days later, wanting to help, he didn’t answer because your help wasn’t really helpful to him, it was stressful.

Now, I can imagine that he truly wanted to stay friends with you because he cherished your many qualities and even admired you in many ways. He might have even agreed with you in much of your qualifications of him, such as his feeling of inferiority and inadequacy. He might have even sought your advice on how to develop more self-confidence or advice on any other topic (again, this is just my speculation!). If that’s the case, that would explain why he actually sought your company and why he was glad when you accepted to be friends again in May – in spite of the fallout that you had in April.

But as you two were getting closer again, you started getting anxious, wanting more than friendship, and wanting him to clarify his position (I couldn’t keep doing this masquerade with him. I decided that I wanted to talk to him about the situation. He avoided me.). You probably requested to talk about your relationship again, somewhere in mid May, but he didn’t want to. He started avoiding you again:

Those talks happened in May and it was actually when I tried to talk to him about the whole situation. The first time I asked him if we could discuss, it was very cordial, all I really wanted was to clear out the situation. He avoided me.

And during the next days until I met him the week after, he wasn’t feeling good at all, my friend who lives in the same corridor as him saw him multiple times and he told her he wasn’t ok. I mean, I know he had other reasons to feel bad. But from that moment, he went from someone who seemed to be happy around me, to someone who kind of feared me, I don’t know.

What I am thinking is that he didn’t want another round of discussions. He felt bad after the first one. But the difference is that he now showed you that he is unhappy with those kind of conversations – whereas before he would just disappear and go no contact without saying anything.

On May 26 you wanted to talk to him about the same topic again, and he was avoiding you. When you stormed between him and that girl, it really angered him and I think that’s when he decided that he doesn’t want to tolerate it any longer. He told you he doesn’t want to hurt you but that he owes you nothing and that he doesn’t want to talk about the past any more. I see it as him finally gathering the courage to tell you to stop analyzing him and trying to explain why he was wrong when he broke up with you. To stop claiming that something is wrong with him for rejecting you.

Anyway, this is my interpretation of what might have happened. I know it might be a lot to take in and not what you would have liked to hear… And also, there is a lot of speculation in what I’ve said because obviously I don’t know the whole story. But it seems plausible to me, based on everything you’ve shared so far. If you feel there is some truth in it and would like to explore it further, I’ll be glad to continue our conversation…

Dear Anna,

I would like to highlight just a point: we had a first 5h convo on the 8th of April, one week after the breakup because I thought he was cheating on me. Then we talked more about the reasons why he broke up.

So basically on the 8th I wasn’t questionning him about the reasons why he broke up

Okay, on April 8 you weren’t questioning him, but you were talking about the reasons why he broke up with you. But let me ask you something: if he said that he is scared that he lost you and that he still has feelings for you, then why didn’t he try to get back together? He never tried to get back together, has he? So no matter what he was saying at that point, he didn’t change his mind about the breakup. What is important is his actions, not his words.

I trully wanted to respect his decisions and not overthinking about whatever.

Well… it seems to me that you haven’t respected his decision to break up with you, because you wouldn’t accept that he didn’t feel romantic attraction, and so you wouldn’t accept that he has a “legitimate” reason to leave you. You questioned the sanity and legitimacy of his leaving, haven’t you?

Also, you haven’t respected his decision to start seeing someone else 2  weeks after he broke up with you. When you found out, you attacked him for that.

And then, you haven’t respected his decision to talk to the girl he fancied, almost 2 months after you broke up. You stormed right between them, showing your fierce protest.

I am sorry but I don’t really think you respected his decisions…