It must be really hard to cope right now, but:

“These people have made me feel like I am fundamentally incapable of being loved.”

Really only you can do that – how you feel is your choice. I know this might seem difficult but it really is true. If other people can’t commit to a relationship it’s they who can’t be loved, not you.

I think the first thing you could do if possible is find a new job – this will change the scenery of your life and that is the best way to get over things. Go on holiday, perhaps – or travelling longer-term if you can. Losing your stuff is crap but you are more important than your stuff and so is your happiness – try to let it go. Maybe even move house if it reminds you of the burglary.

“I have nothing and no one” – you have yourself, which is all anyone ultimately has. I recommended this book to someone else here but Viktor Frankl’s “man’s search for meaning’ might be useful to you. I know it sounds tedious but trying to view life’s downs as an opportunity to grow and become stronger might make it possible to change your perspective to a more positive one. Really a positive mental attitude is vital at these times as you obviously know. I had cancer last year and staying positive really pulled me through it.

I hope you find your way – your heart is not destroyed, it’s just a but bruised.

Lucy

Thank you, Big blue.

Dear Elle, I too was married to a man who didn’t want children, when I did. I too was led up the garden path, after my divorce, by a man who promised me everything I craved (marriage, security, love, family) and who then changed his mind – just like that. This was a very long time ago now, so I have the advantage of a heart which has survived, mended itself, and found happiness again. No – not with another man! If you rely on others for your happiness and feelings of self-worth, you are doomed – other people are only human – we all want different things from life – we are all just using others to fulfill our own dreams. Your feelings of self-worth have to come from within – YOU know you are a good person, and a worthy person, in spite of the way other people treat you, or the job you have or don’t have. It is not your fault if someone rejects you – so don’t take it personally – they are just different than you, wanting different things from life and love, and they are free to do as they please. Sadly, people get hurt when they want different things from a relationship – it’s as simple as that, so let it go.

I did come out of my marriage with one child – a boy aged 3 at the time of my divorce. He ran rings around me just like all the other men I’d ever known, and it taught me a lot about what men want – they just want a nice time, with no demands. What I wanted, on the other hand was ROMANCE – just like in the movies and stories we were raised on – the fairy-tale happy ending, with a strong hero who will look after us, be loyal and love us forever. Well I eventually realised that it is just a fiction – a dream they sell us, like unicorns, fairies and dragons, it doesn’t exist in real life – but hoping and dreaming makes real life more magical, so we buy into the dream. Really if you want to believe in fairies, that is your choice, but don’t expect others to agree with you – the same goes for romantic love. Relationships seem to thrive mainly on compromise, self-sacrifice and tolerance, rather than ideals. You may be lucky and find a man who is good at those things, but often it’s the woman who has to do more of the giving, in my experience.

Regarding your last relationship – if he knew you for a year beforehand, and throughout the breakup with your husband, I suspect he sussed out what it was you wanted from a relationship, and offered it to you, may have even enticed you to believe he could offer you what your husband refused to give you (children) He would have been secure in the knowledge that you would take the bait, and he would be able to take advantage of you. Certainly that’s what happened in my last relationship, post-divorce. I gave out signals, as it were, to the men around me, that I was feminine, and that I therefore valued romance, true love, family etc. In other words I looked like a pushover. Not all men are predatory, but the older you get, the scarcer it is to find a man who doesn’t just want to take advantage whilst giving as little in return as possible. Let’s face it, the good, sweet-natured, generous, men are usually snapped up by a wise woman when still in their 20’s, and are at this moment patiently doing her bidding, paying all her bills and raising her kids! The ones we have to choose from as we get older, are the men who didn’t want to commit, or please a woman – they wanted to please themselves primarily, and don’t make good husband or father material.

So – if we are truly desperate to be in a relationship once we’re older, we have to compromise, accept that men just want to have fun, and make as few demands on them as possible. Let it go if things don’t work out. The perfect man only exists in your head. I love men, really I do – but raising one to the age of 20 has made me see that they are just human – and it is human nature to take advantage of opportunity. So – have some fun yourself. Rely on yourself. Believe in your own self-worth and your own good qualities. If you meet a man you enjoy spending time with, that’s great, but don’t expect it to be on your terms, or to last forever – because nothing lasts forever. Even in devoted couples, someone dies first. We have to live with insecurity, change and making the best of what we have while we have it. It’s not like in the movies – but it is real, and it can be special and enjoyable, if not perfect. Perfection is make-believe too unfortunately, so try to embrace what you have, even if it’s not ideal.

Hi Elle,

I understand your pain – it is very difficult when we have faced life’s challenges for a long time and then something else comes along to knock us down when we least expect it !

Please know that you are not alone and Light ALWAYS overcomes darkness – just do the best you can and take it one day at a time !! Your angels will guide you forward.

Here is the link to a song called ‘Hands’ by Jewel that helped me – hope it helps you too:

God bless !