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September 17, 2017 at 9:43 am #168986
SParticipantI am a 29 year old female and I think I need some advice on how to really find who I am. This may sound silly but I don’t know what I like or what I would like to do as a career. I am currently an Administrative Assistant and I just can’t be that for the rest of my life. I have a lot of issues to sort out
1. Anxiety, fear & panic- I was always nervous, scared and dependent on others for support. I grew up sheltered and having my parents do everything for me. I am scared to drive and my dad still drives me to work. If I have to go somewhere I want someone to go with me so I won’t be alone. Fear is a big controller in my life.
2.I don’t know what I like or want and a people pleaser- because my coworkers are doing programs that can help with their career I want to the same. I started doing ACCA(accounting) because a friend was doing it after we both did our Bachelors Degree. I have been dragging 2 courses that are supposed to be done in 1 semester for the past 3 years!!! I have failed twice at 1 and once with the other. I had planned to do a Project Management course and then never really thought about it after. My coworker did the course last month and now I want to do the same thinking it will help me get another period of employment with the company. I don’t even know what I want to do with my life. I just exist. Apart from my career even when I do things like buy clothes while in the change room I am thinking how people will comment on the way I look and buy accordingly.
3. I have a lot of anger as well and tend to quarrel a lot or complain and be negative. I am like a lion at home and a mouse everywhere else. My brother told me that I have a heavy presence and it is all the negativity and complaining I do. I focus on what is wrong about me such as the wrinkles under my eyes or fat thighs.
4.I have tried reading books or doing meditation to help myself but I am a big procrastinator. This has helped me to further feel low self esteem and low self confidence. I am not confident in my abilities or my body and always downplay myself. I feel others are better than me.
I grew up in a very loving and supportive family and I love them very much. They are always trying to help me in whatever way they can. I always seek advice on what to do or talk about my problems. I am very open with them. How can I change? I thank you for reading my post. I know it is long and problem ridden 🙂
September 17, 2017 at 8:26 pm #169040
PollyParticipantThere is quite a bit going on here. Maybe do things a tiny bit at a time. Would some counselling be helpful for the anxiety? Support outside the family can be very useful. You might not get an idea of who you are and what you would love until the anxiety settles down a bit and you can imagine life without it. Focus on bringing a few small pleasures into your life to appreciate – maybe a few flowers in a vase or a print of something that makes you feel calm. Don’t worry about what you might want to do- just notice those odd moments when you feel that inner tug of excitement – that will give you a clue.
Practice being brave once a day – do one thing you have been putting off.
September 18, 2017 at 10:25 am #169216
AnonymousGuestDear S:
To offer you anything beyond the wise advice you received above, I ask regarding what you wrote here:
“I grew up sheltered and having my parents do everything for me…I grew up in a very loving and supportive family and I love them very much. They are always trying to help me in whatever way they can”-
Can you elaborate on what you mean by “sheltered”, “do everything for me” and on what you mean by “loving and supportive”?
anita
September 18, 2017 at 11:27 am #169224SParticipant@anita by “sheltered” I mean that I had things easily provided for me (not that my family is wealthy) but my parents did their best to ensure that my brothers and I had what we needed. They are great parents. I can say I did not have a lot of social interaction outside of school and home like parties and clubbing like teens. I wasn’t interested in that though. I was protected from negative influences.
By “do everything for me” means I am not forced to make my own decisions and can always ask for advice from them. I never really had to cook my own food since my mom does that. I don’t drive even though I got my license since I don’t have a car and my dad drives both me and my brother to work every day. (It isn’t uncommon for relatives to pick each other up in my country or for children to live with their parents until they are married. It is how we live).
I sort of have every thing handed to me.
My parents care greatly for my brothers and I and I mean who wouldn’t love a mom and dad who provides well and treats you well. I grew up in a stable family without quarreling and fighting. If I needed advice on something or had to get something done my parents would tell me what they know or offer whatever assistance they could eg if I have an interview in a strange place my dad would drive me there, I would do my interview and he would wait around for me and pick me up after. Little things like that make life easier and less stressful.
I started getting panic attacks when I was 16 and didn’t know what it was and doctors couldn’t say what was wrong. I would say they tried their best with me through all the faint feeling episodes, vomiting at night and even us turning around and going back home if I felt sick when we were out at the mall for instance.
If you have more questions please feel free to ask me. Thanks
September 18, 2017 at 2:12 pm #169232
PeterParticipantI have a lot of anger as well and tend to quarrel a lot or complain and be negative. I am like a lion at home and a mouse everywhere else.
My brother had a similar problem. My parents never pushed him out of the nest and though he loved them he also resented them for it (unconsciously) and so directed his frustrations as anger against them and the rest of the family. The purpose of anger is to get our attention to deal with the problem however if you don’t deal with the issue and or repress what is really going on that anger will feed on itself.
After reading your post the thought that came to my mind was Golden Handcuffs.
Golden Handcuffs is a term used for those who are induced via financial incentives or such to stay in a job (state of being) they may not enjoy and want to leave. The reality is we all create golden handcuffs for ourselves in many ways. We become comfortable and resist change even when change is what we say we want. The result is usually anger directed within or directed against those that love us. The journey of self actualization/individuation requires work and honesty without excuse of blaming others even when it becomes difficult. A first step may be to make a conscious effort to understand your anger and stop projecting it towards your family. If you treat strangers kindly you can treat your family kindly. Next try to identify the golden handcuffs you might have created for yourself and decide what you really want and either accept them or take them off.
September 19, 2017 at 4:53 am #169258AnonymousGuestDear S:
You wrote that you were always nervous and scared, that you don’t know what to do with your life, that you just exist. You focus on what other people value and what other people think is the right thing to do, and follow “their” lead or what you think they think you should do. You are often angry, “like a lion at home and a mouse everywhere else”. You downplay yourself and feel others are better than you.
You wrote that your family, your parents are always trying to help you, that you didn’t have a lot of social interactions outside of school and home growing up, that you were “protected from negative influences”.
I do have a couple of questions:
1. What were the negative influences your parents protected you from and how did they protect you? Do they still do that?
2. What did you mean by “I am not forced to make my own decisions”?
Can you give me an example of a decision in your life that needs to be made, then write what it is you say to your parents and what they say to you in return, regarding the decision that needs to be made?
anita
September 19, 2017 at 6:21 am #169266SParticipant1. I would say negative influences are like the wrong company and doing what I would consider wrong such as drinking or drugs or even getting caught up in relationships in school. I would say my parents protected me by teaching me. I had the choice of course to hide like other classmates and do what I consider wrong behind their backs but I never did. Them protecting me in my opinion was having a brother accompany me when I went out to the mall or us going out as a family. When we get to the mall though we each go on our own to the stores we each want to visit. I go to places alone and I am not restricted. My parents aren’t strict people in my opinion just people who care about me and provide guidance. I am a family oriented person so I don’t feel pressured by it.
2. By saying I am not forced to make my own decisions I mean that before I make a decision I usually talk about it with my mom at least such as doing a new program of study and I would ask what their opinions are on the program and they give their input and I eventually take a course of action.
My dream job coming out of school was to be a teacher and I saw nothing beside that. Then the day came when I got a letter from the University saying that I did not get accepted. I was devastated and did not know what to do. I was at a loss as to what I could now do with my life. My parents helped me by basically choosing a Business Management degree program for me since I didn’t know what to do. I felt inadequate and directionless and they helped me find something to do with my life. I am the eldest child and only daughter. My brothers are different from me in that they never had things as easily as I did and they are more independent in their decision making than I am.
September 19, 2017 at 8:58 am #169319AnonymousGuestDear S:
You invited me two posts ago to ask you more questions. I read your last post and I need more understanding. For that purpose, I do have more questions in my efforts to understand your situation.
You wrote: “I have a lot of anger as well and tend to quarrel a lot”- who do you quarrel with? About what issues?
Are you angry with your parents?
anita
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