Menu

How can I move on?

HomeForumsEmotional MasteryHow can I move on?

New Reply
Viewing 3 posts - 1 through 3 (of 3 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #387534
    moonlight
    Participant

    <div> How do I move on from this?</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>My very first memory is of my mother torturing me. I was three years old. She was shoving mangoes into my mouth and forcing me to eat it. I can recall she forced me to eat an entire box of about 6 mangoes until I threw up. This was my punishment for asking a stranger  for a piece of their mango. She let me go hungry and  I resorted to asking a stranger for food.</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>She seperated me from my father when I was just an infant. She alienated me from my father’s entire family. When I was five she took me with her to America. Growing up, she only showed me one picture of my father.  She said she had to get away from my father because he abused her. When we arrived in America she was 6 months pregnant with my sister. Before arriving to America we stayed in the Phillipines for a year. She got pregnant with my sister in the Phillipines. When we got to America she met another man, she gave birth to my sister three months later.</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>She made it very clear to me that this new man in her life was to be my sister’s biological father while I was the step child. He agreed to this arrangement and we all pretended that he was her biological dad. They went on to have a son. I was told never to tell either of my siblings of the secret. Even though she casted me out as a step child she made me call this man daddy, all the while telling me how horrible my real father was who was living in a far away country. I only had one picture of my father. I was quite confused, how come I had to call this guy daddy when she made it very clear to me that my father was in fact elsewhere? When in actuality my sister is not even his biological child but we have to pretend that she is?  One time when I was 6 years old  she made me rehearse a line that was supposed to be an anwer to a question that she would ask me. She would ask me, in front of him ” When your daddy dies would you cry?” and i was supposed to respond ” No, of course not I won’t cry because you’re not my real daddy.”</div>
    <div>So when the time came I said exactly what she told me to say and he was offended but did not respond.  My mother then  said to me “you dumb child why would you say such a horrible thing like that, you will hurt his feelings” and she laughed at me.</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>Torture sessions and beating sessions occured regularly. One time when I was seven years old I remember I was just sitting at the table doing homework. She decided I needed to be tortured for no apparent reason. She filled my backpack with heavy cans of soup and made me kneel on a pile of tiny sharp pebbles while wearing the backpack filled with heavy cans, after what seems like 45 minutes she decided I needed to hold two additional large soup cans in each hand with my arms to be raised above my waist.</div>
    <div>My knees started bleeding. She said that if I told anyone what happened no one would believe me and that they would just think that I fell and hurt my knees. Sometimes when the pebbles would pierce my knees too soon, she would have me kneel on steel grates to have a more prolonged session.</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>When it was time for a beating session, she would have my lie on my stomach on the floor of the living room. She would whack me with a slim bamboo stick until it broke. But she had a back-up stick that was thicker so wouldn’t break as quickly. She would whack me until the skin on my bum came off and was bleeding. When i cried due to the pain, she told me to shut up or she would whack me some more until I was quiet. I had to find the strength inside my little body to stop crying otherwise she would end up beating me to death.</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>One time when I was eight I decided to run away from her when she said it was time for a beating. She chased me with a cleaver. I ran to the backyard and ran through the empty lot that was covered in blackberry bushes.  The thorns hurt and pierced me everywhere but it didn’t hurt nearly as badly as the  pain she was about to inflict on me. It was the lesser pain and I was relieved to be out of her reach and deep in the bramble bush. Eventually I exited and she saw me come out, she began chasing me as soon as I got out of the bramble bush I ran up a wooden staircase to the neighbor upstairs and banged on their door. someone answered as she reached me at the top, with the cleaver in her hand. The neighbor asked me what was wrong and my mother said “oh, nothing let’s go back home child don’t bother the neighbors and stop running amock. ” she took my hand and led me back into our apartment where she proceeded to hurt me. She didnt strike me with the cleaver but she did take a swing at tbe fridge, stove, sink, washer and dryer. All of the appliances  had slashes on them. She told me I was never allowed to have a child, she threatened to get me “sewed”  up so I would never have a baby.</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>She continued to abuse me physically emotionally and mentally until i left her hell house. When I was 17 she told me that the picture of my father,  the man in that picture was actually not my father and that it was just some random guy. I felt so sad, I looked at that picture every night thinking he was my father.</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>I’m 34 years old now, happily marrried and six months pregnant with my first baby. I’m having a boy. It took me a long time to realize that I always wanted to be a mother, I’m so happy to finally be able to have my own  baby that i get to take care of. At the beginning of my pregnancy I decided to cut my mother out of my life. As a result my sister has stopped talking to me. I told her why I had to cut our mother out of my life but she gave me an ultimatum, either I maintain a relationship with our mother or she will no longer keep in touch with me. I decided that my mental health and the health of my baby was more important than catering to my mother’s every need. My mother would call me and cry about how sad she is and I’m supposed to comfort her and be strong. But I just can’t, not after what she did to me. She told me I couldn’t cry so why is she calling me crying thinking that I wouldn’t be reminded of all the times she told me to stop crying or she would hit me so hard un til I stopped? she never faltered  until i literally stopped crying.</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>I constantly think about this sad situation, I want to tell my sister that she is living a lie and that she doesn’t actually know who her real father is. But I don’t know what good this will do. I don’t want to feel rejected by her I just want to not care but I can’t get past this feeling bad that she doesn’t care about me at all. I feel like she hates me for no reason, I’ve never done anything to hurt her so why is she treating me like this? It doesn’t make sense. I almost want to contact my evil mother again just so my sister will talk to me but I know my evil mom will just hurt me if I do call her. She would say somethjng really nasty like she already disowned me or something along that line.</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>I don’t want my mother to be in my life ever again, I don’t want to expose my son to any kind of evilness, especially the kind that resides inside my mother. As a result, my sister has stopped talking to me.  How do I move on from this?</div>

    #387535
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear moonlight,

    I am so sorry you had to go through all that pain and torture at the hands of your own mother. She was a sadist and deserved to be prosecuted for child abuse, but unfortunately she got away with it. Did anyone in your family know about your abuse? Have your teachers noticed anything? I assume she threatened to beat you up even more if you dared to tell anybody?

    I told her why I had to cut our mother out of my life but she gave me an ultimatum, either I maintain a relationship with our mother or she will no longer keep in touch with me. I decided that my mental health and the health of my baby was more important than catering to my mother’s every need.

    If you’ve explained to your sister why you’ve cut contact with your mother, and she didn’t see it as a legitimate reason, but gave you an ultimatum, then your sister doesn’t have any compassion for you and was probably brainwashed and manipulated by your mother. Maybe she even thinks that you are lying about having been abused? How was your mother towards her other two children? Perhaps she tortured only you, while pretended to be a good mother to them?

    In any case, if your sister isn’t supportive and doesn’t trust you, you should accept that and not agree to her terms. Don’t go back to talking to your mother by any means! Stay firm in protecting your own mental health and the health of your unborn son, even if it means letting go of your sister, at least for the time being.

    You are doing great btw – you have a happy marriage and are soon to become a mother – so it seems you’ve come a long way and went through some serious healing in the meanwhile…

     

    #387538
    anita
    Participant

    Dear moonlight:

    This will be a long post, I hope that you have the patience to read through it, if not in one sitting than in a few, at your convenience. I first read from you when you posted on another member’s thread in August 10 this year, over 2 months ago. I did not forget what you shared there.  I wrote to you Aug 11: “I admire you for turning away from your mother (ending contact with her)  so to be a better mother to your child!..  If you would like to have me/ other members interact with you, please start your own thread..”- I am glad that you started your own thread Oct 18.

    You shared back in August that it’s been 3 months since you went no contact with that woman. Before I proceed, I need to refer to that woman not as a Mother, but as a Monster (another M word). You stopped contact with the monster in May 2021. And if you didn’t renew contact with her since yesterday, it is now five months of  no contact.

    Back in August, you wrote: “I want to live an honest life and be true to my words. No hypocrisy is allowed under any circumstances“- Fast forward to today, I can see why honesty, truth and integrity are very strong values in your mind, heart and life: “One time when I was 6 years old  she made me rehearse a line…  She would ask me, in front of him ‘When your daddy dies would you cry?’ and I was supposed to respond ‘No, of course not I won’t cry because you’re not my real daddy.’ So when the time came I said exactly what she told me to say and he was offended but did not respond.  My mother then  said to me ‘you dumb child why would you say such a horrible thing like that, you will hurt his feelings’ and she laughed at me”-

    -you followed her instructions, being the good daughter that you were, but she did not reward you for your obedience and loyalty, she punished you instead, laughed at you and insulting you. She betrayed you. You know how much it hurts when this happens and you don’t want your son to feel this kind of hurt: “I want to raise the baby as an honest person. I don’t want the child to grow up and end up resenting me because I was not true to my words. I would never want my child to experience the physical, emotional and verbal abuse that I went through. I want to protect my child from evil, and pain” (Aug 2021).

    I want to compare your reaction to the monster with your half sister’s reaction to the same monster: notice in the quote right above, you wrote that you don’t want your child to end up resenting you, resentment means long-term anger. Your reaction to the monster’s betrayal included long-term anger. This is what you wrote about your sister back in August: “She doesnt want to be a mother out of the fear of hurting our evil mom“- her reaction to the monster is to see the monster as a good person, and therefore, her dominant emotion toward the monster is not not anger but Empathy: she doesn’t want the monster to feel hurt.

    For you, the monster is “evil”. In your sister’s mind.. the monster is good. (She probably doesn’t think this way all of the time, she may had made references that her mother is bad.. but these moments of sanity are fleeting and superficial, and dominantly, she is deluded, is my best understanding).

    “At the beginning of my pregnancy I decided to cut my mother out of my life. As a result my sister has stopped talking to me. I told her why I had to cut our mother out of my life but she gave me an ultimatum, either I maintain a relationship with our mother or she will no longer keep in touch with me… I want to tell my sister that she is living a lie and that she doesn’t actually know who her real father is… I can’t get past this feeling bad that she doesn’t care about me at all. I feel like she hates me for no reason, I’ve never done anything to hurt her so why is she treating me like this? It doesn’t make sense”-

    I want to tell my sister that she is living a lie and that she doesn’t actually know who her real father is“- who her biological father is, that’s a minor lie. The big lie in your sister’s mind, heart and life is that the monster is a good person.

    I’ve never done anything to hurt her“- But the monster is telling your sister that you did something to hurt her: ending contact with her. For your sister, the monster is good and whomever is hurting the monster is bad.

    she hates me for no reason“- her reason is that you are hurting the monster by not having contact with the monster (the monster told her so, and she believes the monster).

    why is she treating me like this? It doesn’t make sense“- in your sister’s mind, the monster is good and you are.. the monster. It’s nothing personal, really. She would probably hate anyone who’d hurt the monster (stated more accurately: she would hate anyone the monster claims to be hurt by).

    I almost want to contact my evil mother again just so my sister will talk to me but I know my evil mom will just hurt me if I do call her“- You value Truth. Truth is: the monster is a monster. Your sister is deluded, thinking the monster is good. If you contact the monster so to please your sister, you will be supporting your sister’s delusion/ untruth. In doing so, you will be encouraging your sister’s untruth to last and last. If you persist in no contact, maybe.. just a small maybe, your sister might change her understanding.

    How do I move on from this?“- resist your desire to talk to your sister. Stay away from her and if she reaches out to you with a bit of a willingness to see the monster for whom the monster is, then by all means, help her further to see what is true.

    if I tell the child you must not allow yourself to be in a relationship with someone who treats you this way, then I myself must live by this rule… So if I continue to be friends with my evil mother, my child will learn by example and I am setting him/her up for a lifetime of being in abusive relationships“- this is your integrity and it is you being a good mother. Please do not make it possible for your sister to (1) take your integrity away. (2) take a good mother away from your son, replacing a good mother with a.. (however conflicted) partner of a monstrosity.

    Talking about monstrosity: “I was three years old. She was shoving mangoes into my mouth..  6 mangoes until I threw up. This was my punishment for asking a stranger  for a piece of their mango…Torture sessions and beating sessions occurred regularly… She filled my backpack with heavy cans of soup and made me kneel on a pile of tiny sharp pebbles.. My knees started bleeding. She said that if I told anyone what happened no one would believe me.. Sometimes when the pebbles would pierce my knees too soon, she would have me kneel on steel grates to have a more prolonged session… she would have my lie on my stomach on the floor.. whack me until the skin on my bum came off and was bleeding. When i cried due to the pain, she told me to shut up or she would whack me some more until I was quiet.. She chased me with a cleaver.. she began chasing me as soon as I got out of the bramble bush I ran up a wooden staircase to the neighbor upstairs and banged on their door. someone answered as she reached me at the top, with the cleaver in her hand. The neighbor asked me what was wrong and my mother said “oh, nothing..”-

    She said that if I told anyone what happened no one would believe me“- if you renew contact with the monster.. your sister will not believe you, fast forward: your son will not believe you, thinking something like: my mom wouldn’t allow contact with a bad person.. therefore grandmother must not be bad.

    I ran up a wooden staircase to the neighbor upstairs and banged on their door“- you are now figuratively inside that “neighbors upstairs” apartment, safe from the monster. Figuratively, the monster is sending your sister to bang on your door, carrying the monster’s cleaver. Please do not open your door to the monster’s agent, or to the monster herself.

    The neighbor asked me what was wrong and my mother said “oh, nothing“- the monstrosity you suffered is not Nothing. It is a huge Something. It is something that you will suffer from, to  one extent or another, for the duration of your life. Protect yourself and your son and your husband from more monstrosity.

    The monster said: “oh, nothing”. Your sister says: oh, nothing. Don’t join them with: oh, it was nothing, it is nothing.. I was just imagining Something.

    She told me I was never allowed to have a child, she threatened to get me ‘sewed’  up so I would never have a baby“- the monster hates children, doesn’t she. I imagine that she is thinking that unlike her,  you will be a good mother to your child, and that enrages her. She doesn’t want to see a safe, happy child. She wants all children to suffer like she suffered when she was a child. If you let her have contact with your son.. she will want to make him suffer too. She will find a way, or ways to accomplish that.

    My favorite philosopher is Alan Watts, I listen to his lectures when I feel depressed. I highly recommend” (Aug 2021). A quote from Alan Watts: “Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone“- leave the monster and her agent alone. If the agent reaches out to you with some desire to leave the muddy water alone, then help her. Don’t go back to the muddy water- all that you will accomplish if you do- is to get more and more mud on yourself and on the child you want to protect.

    anita

Viewing 3 posts - 1 through 3 (of 3 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.