Jamie,

I’m sorry for your loss, and the feeling of having lost Jamie. Watching intimacy fade can really suck, because we not only grieve the loss of a partner, but the version of ourselves that was alive during the intimacy. I really like your questions, and feel like you’re going about this with maturity and wisdom. Sometimes, as my teacher told me, the wise thing to do is throw our hands up in the air and say “What now, and wtf?”

Sometimes intimacy fades. Its a hard lesson to learn, but it is the way of love. People experience things which disrupt the connection, and they canker the union. They might be fights, other attractions, work, politics… all sorts of things in life that help us grow, and if we do not keep the lines open, those changes push lovers apart. Said differently, communication is critical to intimacy because as we grow, if we don’t share our growth, we can grow apart.

In my view, its not that we stop caring, its that we stop relating, which prevents the trust and closeness which caring requires.

For meditation, consider looking up “jayasaro counting breaths” on YouTube. Ajahn Jayasaro provides a simple and well used method for helping a beginner begin developing concentration. Also, local Buddhist sanghas or centers often have people that might provide direct assistance with posture and technique.

Grief takes time to heal, and nothing we do will make us heal faster. We can’t will a wound to close or a heart to open, they do so in their own time. Just be sure to keep caring for yourself, doing kind things for you. Sometimes we need help remembering how lovely we are, and the woman in the mirror deserves it from you.

With warmth,
Matt

Hi Jamie,

I want you to know that you are not alone. I too have recently broken up with a guy who I care deeply for. You have so many questions running through your head: Did I do too much, or not enough? Why can’t he be there for me like I’ve been there for him etc. At first all these thoughts were cluttering my brain. Making my every hour drag on through the murkiness of regret.

But, slowly but surely, by being aware of my thoughts, “catching” the negative ones and replacing them with positive ones (such as: I can grow from this experience; there is someone who is a better match for my soul who i just havent met yet!); focusing on the present moment as much as possible (taking a moment to breathe in the fresh air, notice how the sunlight falls on the trees); being with my friends and family; and simply doing things that I love to do!

Dont get me wrong, I still have my moments of bitter sweetness, of missing him. But, it is getting better. So, hang in there with me Jamie. We’re on this journey together. Remember be compassionate towards yourself. Everything happens for a reason. It just hasn’t been revealed to us yet. But, it will and when it is, it will make more than enough sense.

Jamie,

You’re welcome! I’m so happy to be there for you. I’m sending you a big hug as well 🙂

Camfleur

Kim,

Usually it would be better to start an additional post, rather than tagging it on as a reply, because more people are likely to read and respond, plus it avoids crosstalk and so on. No biggie, and welcome to the forum!

A few things came to heart as I read your words. As we develop compassion for ourselves and others through meditation and other self care activities, we feel much better. It is like a tree putting its roots deep into the soil, and makes us nourished and stable. Sometimes things can crop up which challenge that stability, and that is good! It let’s us know where we still have growing to do, or where our roots hit some infertile soil.

I think this current suffering you’re experiencing is just a chance for you to cleanse some old anger. Under the surface, perhaps there is still some wish that your ex-husband suffers for his mistakes, and “ha! Like I can be replaced so easily… he’ll see”. This is pretty normal after an intimacy fades, because we feel like their pain will validate our pain… somehow making us feel less lonely in our suffering.

This doesn’t really work, though, because all we are really doing is hanging on to pain. For instance, because I don’t feel any pain around him or his decisions, I can hope his new intimacy brings him genuine nourishment and lasting happiness. For you, though, it is more difficult because you were at ground zero in Kim’s mind and body, going through all the bruising that happens when intimacy erodes. This is actually quite good, because it allows you to let go and settle the past karma. Said differently, when we are able to let go of our side of a situation and wish for the happiness of others (even those we feel bruised us) then we are genuinely, authentically free.

In one sense, our ex-partners offer us that freedom when they move on and find new love. The old pains hold us back knowingly or unknowingly, and by seemingly being happy, he has stirred up old ickyness that you can now heal.

You don’t have to do anything with it, just notice the feelings are there and keep doing the things that make you happy. “This is a feeling of pain, of jealousy, of invalidation, yep, normal, usual… old baggage I don’t need.” And get back to writing, cooking, walking, dating, meditating… whatever. Why let him continue to disrupt your buoyancy? Why given him that power? He will find whatever pain and karma he deserves and needs for his own growth, as you are finding yours. Don’t wish him more or less than he needs, it only slaps our own joy away.

You deserve that freedom and peace, and of course you know it can only come inside. To see him suffer or his relationship fail would only nourish the icky feelings (feeling joy in others suffering is a sure way to lose our inner peace). So just acknowledge the truth of your pain and breathe it away. Your heart is sacred, and it has the strength to let the past remain past.

With warmth,
Matt

Oh, so sorry. I will be sure to post a new thread next time. Thank you Jamie and Matt for your kindness and wisdom. I will definitely take it to heart.