July 29, 2013 at 10:49 am #39368
I have posted on here before and have been given wonderful advice and help. I have been going out to make friends again and exercise and attend Church and surround myself around positivity and try as much as I can to keep my mind busy. However, I am still stuck on something. I have cut ties entirely with my ex who broke up with me after a year and a half. It was a bad break up. However despite it all I still am so in love with him and I know we will never get back together or be together again because he has told me several times we are done which hurts me because I didn’t want to give up. I wanted to keep trying. To get help. He gave up. I need to know how people accept that someone will no longer be apart of their life? I find myself still crying sometimes when I think that he will never be apart of my life again. That someone who meant so much to me doesn’t care. And why we erase each other and walk away like strangers? I need to know how to be okay with not having him in my life anymore and how to accept in my mind that I very well may never see or talk to him again. Also when I go to the beach I try to mediate and take everything in and sort my thoughts. I’m new to “meditating” so I’m not sure the exact steps or if I’m doing it right. It may sound silly, but where do I start? I feel that my issues are repetitive and it is tough for me to let go and people have to tell me over and over again to just get over it, but I’m so desperate to find ways to better myself again and find my inner beauty that I lost so long ago. I’ve given so much of myself to others and have been treated so bad, that I just don’t even love myself anymore. I know I am a good person and I know I have a good heart, but I don’t know why I had to stop believing in myself when others didn’t. Thank you for any help!
-JamieJuly 29, 2013 at 6:49 pm #39414MattParticipant
I’m sorry for your loss, and the feeling of having lost Jamie. Watching intimacy fade can really suck, because we not only grieve the loss of a partner, but the version of ourselves that was alive during the intimacy. I really like your questions, and feel like you’re going about this with maturity and wisdom. Sometimes, as my teacher told me, the wise thing to do is throw our hands up in the air and say “What now, and wtf?”
Sometimes intimacy fades. Its a hard lesson to learn, but it is the way of love. People experience things which disrupt the connection, and they canker the union. They might be fights, other attractions, work, politics… all sorts of things in life that help us grow, and if we do not keep the lines open, those changes push lovers apart. Said differently, communication is critical to intimacy because as we grow, if we don’t share our growth, we can grow apart.
In my view, its not that we stop caring, its that we stop relating, which prevents the trust and closeness which caring requires.
For meditation, consider looking up “jayasaro counting breaths” on YouTube. Ajahn Jayasaro provides a simple and well used method for helping a beginner begin developing concentration. Also, local Buddhist sanghas or centers often have people that might provide direct assistance with posture and technique.
Grief takes time to heal, and nothing we do will make us heal faster. We can’t will a wound to close or a heart to open, they do so in their own time. Just be sure to keep caring for yourself, doing kind things for you. Sometimes we need help remembering how lovely we are, and the woman in the mirror deserves it from you.
MattJuly 29, 2013 at 8:48 pm #39424
You have always been there for me when I have needed help. Thank you for being so wonderful and taking time out to help me and give your wisdom. I’m very thankful for you! I will keep all the things you have said to me in mind and keep taking the steps. My mind already knows, but my heart needs to catch up! In time, like you said. I can already feel myself healing. I will be looking into the videos and exploring my outside sources. If I have more questions I’ll be sure to ask. Again, thank you so much. You are so wonderful and great and I’m so thankful each time you help me.
-JamieJuly 29, 2013 at 10:02 pm #39426camfleurParticipant
I want you to know that you are not alone. I too have recently broken up with a guy who I care deeply for. You have so many questions running through your head: Did I do too much, or not enough? Why can’t he be there for me like I’ve been there for him etc. At first all these thoughts were cluttering my brain. Making my every hour drag on through the murkiness of regret.
But, slowly but surely, by being aware of my thoughts, “catching” the negative ones and replacing them with positive ones (such as: I can grow from this experience; there is someone who is a better match for my soul who i just havent met yet!); focusing on the present moment as much as possible (taking a moment to breathe in the fresh air, notice how the sunlight falls on the trees); being with my friends and family; and simply doing things that I love to do!
Dont get me wrong, I still have my moments of bitter sweetness, of missing him. But, it is getting better. So, hang in there with me Jamie. We’re on this journey together. Remember be compassionate towards yourself. Everything happens for a reason. It just hasn’t been revealed to us yet. But, it will and when it is, it will make more than enough sense.July 29, 2013 at 11:07 pm #39428
Thank you so much for sharing your own personal story with me! I need to do exactly as you do and “catch” my thoughts quickly turn them into positives and not let sadness consume me. Knowing that you and I are on the same journey gives me hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel! You know, even though my heart hurts, coming here and having people like Matt and yourself, Camfleur makes me feel so loved and that there are good people in this world that care about others. I thank you so much for reaching out to me and showing me ways I can turn my situation around. I’m sorry you have struggled as well. You said you are getting better and I am happy for you! Here is a big hug from me to you! “every little thing is gonna be alright!” 🙂
-JamieJuly 30, 2013 at 7:51 am #39432camfleurParticipant
You’re welcome! I’m so happy to be there for you. I’m sending you a big hug as well 🙂
CamfleurJuly 30, 2013 at 10:22 am #39436KimParticipant
Hi. I am new to these forums and this is my first post. I see so much wonderful support and encouragement here. I hope to be able to offer the same for others as well. I am posting because I am having a really hard time accepting that my ex husband of 24 years left me for the woman he was seeing while we were married and is now about to marry her. His family, who I still love, has seemingly accepted this woman so easily. It’s hard for me to comprehend this given their strict Catholic background. I honestly thought that after our divorce was finalized my ex and his mistress/girlfriend would break up. Instead, it seems as though he is truly happy. I realize that things aren’t always as they seem. I want to get to a place in my heart where I can fully forgive him and even be happy for him. I also wish to not care so much about what he is doing in his life. Some days, I feel as though I can. Then, I learn through our grown children that he is going to marry this woman and that his family is happily spending time with her, etc. It seems that all my months of working on myself and learning from my mistakes and growing as a person are momentarily undone. I feel as though I’m right back in the throes of devastation when my ex first kicked me out of our home and asked for a divorce. That was a little over a year ago, the day after Mother’s Day, 2012. I see areas where I’ve made great progress, and I try to focus on them. But, the pain comes in excruciating waves that never seem to end. Once again, I have trouble eating and sleeping. I’ve lost 5 pounds in the last 2 days. I know that setbacks in the healing process are normal. Healing is by no means linear. But, I didn’t expect to feel the intensity of grief that I felt initially after all this time. I spend time alone meditating and reading and working on making me the best version of me that I can be. I have friends and family to turn to, and I’ve begun dating and getting out into new social circles. I’ve lost a lot of weight and feel better about myself than I have in many years. But, it’s hard for me to accept that he is happy after the devastation his infidelity has caused. He was exceedingly cruel to me through the separation and divorce process. He seems to be less so now, but still it’s apparent that he doesn’t really care what happens to me. I guess I am still baffled by how someone who supposedly loves you and has for nearly 30 years can suddenly and without warning dispose of you and move on with someone else. Any thoughts, ideas, or suggestions are very much appreciated. I want to get to a point where I can weather each new revelation with more grace and acceptance and not feel as though I’ve gone back to square one. Kindest regards, KimJuly 30, 2013 at 11:41 am #39441MattParticipant
Usually it would be better to start an additional post, rather than tagging it on as a reply, because more people are likely to read and respond, plus it avoids crosstalk and so on. No biggie, and welcome to the forum!
A few things came to heart as I read your words. As we develop compassion for ourselves and others through meditation and other self care activities, we feel much better. It is like a tree putting its roots deep into the soil, and makes us nourished and stable. Sometimes things can crop up which challenge that stability, and that is good! It let’s us know where we still have growing to do, or where our roots hit some infertile soil.
I think this current suffering you’re experiencing is just a chance for you to cleanse some old anger. Under the surface, perhaps there is still some wish that your ex-husband suffers for his mistakes, and “ha! Like I can be replaced so easily… he’ll see”. This is pretty normal after an intimacy fades, because we feel like their pain will validate our pain… somehow making us feel less lonely in our suffering.
This doesn’t really work, though, because all we are really doing is hanging on to pain. For instance, because I don’t feel any pain around him or his decisions, I can hope his new intimacy brings him genuine nourishment and lasting happiness. For you, though, it is more difficult because you were at ground zero in Kim’s mind and body, going through all the bruising that happens when intimacy erodes. This is actually quite good, because it allows you to let go and settle the past karma. Said differently, when we are able to let go of our side of a situation and wish for the happiness of others (even those we feel bruised us) then we are genuinely, authentically free.
In one sense, our ex-partners offer us that freedom when they move on and find new love. The old pains hold us back knowingly or unknowingly, and by seemingly being happy, he has stirred up old ickyness that you can now heal.
You don’t have to do anything with it, just notice the feelings are there and keep doing the things that make you happy. “This is a feeling of pain, of jealousy, of invalidation, yep, normal, usual… old baggage I don’t need.” And get back to writing, cooking, walking, dating, meditating… whatever. Why let him continue to disrupt your buoyancy? Why given him that power? He will find whatever pain and karma he deserves and needs for his own growth, as you are finding yours. Don’t wish him more or less than he needs, it only slaps our own joy away.
You deserve that freedom and peace, and of course you know it can only come inside. To see him suffer or his relationship fail would only nourish the icky feelings (feeling joy in others suffering is a sure way to lose our inner peace). So just acknowledge the truth of your pain and breathe it away. Your heart is sacred, and it has the strength to let the past remain past.
MattJuly 30, 2013 at 12:18 pm #39443patrick mcgeeParticipant
Try not to be to hard on yourself, you are a lovely person and need to show yourself a lot of compassion.
You are going through a tough time, so grieve and be kind to yourself, talk softly to yourself instead of beating
love from paddyJuly 30, 2013 at 1:06 pm #39452
My heart hurts for you. I am so sorry you are going through this. The feeling of being thrown away after investing yourself and life into someone for 24 years is not something that will take hours, days, or months to fix. It will take a long time. The first relationship I had was six years with a guy that I loved very much and one day he told me he didn’t want to be with me anymore and he had found someone new. I was heartbroken that we had grown apart. I lost my connection with his family and for awhile our friends were conflicted. The girl he left me for he ended up being with for two years before he proposed to her and it still hurt me when I learned he had done so and the following year when they got married it hurt me again too. I had moved on, but it still hurt because I didn’t know why we couldn’t have had that. However, even those feelings of hurt I was also very happy for him and everything that he had accomplished in his life since we went separate ways. After that relationship I went on a downward spiral for the last five or six years and started investing myself into relationships that seemed meaningless and unhealthy for me which caused a lot of hatred within myself. I also had just moved to Vegas so of course you can imagine how that turned out after a break up. Now 6 years is nothing compared to 24, but I know what it is like to lose people you invest so much of yourself into. Even though years later it hurt me when he got engaged and married I was able to be happy for him and everything he had accomplished because the love I had for him was more than enough to forgive. Even to this day I still see how he is doing and what he is accomplishing and I’m so happy for him. I just got out of a serious relationship again three months ago and I find that I’m in the same position, however this time I am choosing to be proactive about it and not continue in the same mindset that I had 6 years ago. The first three months were terrible for me. I was not in the same place that I am now, but I am doing much better. One day you will be there too. We can’t control time, but you have to give time some time.
I feel so much better having this site and talking it out and getting wisdom from others. I hope each time you feel you are caving that you come on here and post your feelings for comfort and to realize you are not alone. I had found these links on ways to improve your life and ways to be happy. One of them is actually from the Tiny Buddha site. Also I have an article called “The Fish Principle” that I just read yesterday that gave me even more perspective on counting blessings.“You pull in your life and you see that though you felt ripped open —- the net actually didn’t tear. That there’s grace in your net. And you actually count them.” I hope you know that even though you are struggling that you have children that love you unconditionally and support you. One day you will look back and be happy and blessed with the experiences you were given for 24 years and the new adventures you have created for yourself. I’m not an expert on advice or relationships, but sharing my story I hope you are able to see that you can find beauty in the pain and that you are not alone. You don’t deserve what you have been through, but one day it will make sense to you.
You are beautiful. You are wonderful. You are strong. You will get through this. Take care of yourself.July 30, 2013 at 3:18 pm #39463
Thank you for your kind words. 🙂July 30, 2013 at 7:57 pm #39474KimParticipant
Oh, so sorry. I will be sure to post a new thread next time. Thank you Jamie and Matt for your kindness and wisdom. I will definitely take it to heart.August 2, 2013 at 11:19 am #39606AnonymousInactive
Thanks for posting this. I feel like I’m going through a similar type of thing, having to let go of someone I want to be with who just isn’t interested in being with me. I know it’s not the same as a breakup, but it feels of like one because we’ve been discussing the possibility of exploring a more serious relationship for a year (we’ve been seeing each other long distance.) Now he says he doesn’t want that, though at one time he was the one who said he did. My time with this man feels like a yummy, spicy, stew, and everything else in my life seems like bland, dry bread. I had hoped for more with him, but it feels like our journey is winding down and I feel heartbroken. Sort of like carefully nurturing a baby bird, seeing it grow, and then seeing it get sick and start to die, right in front of your eyes, and there’s nothing you can do. I’m having a really hard time not feeling like somehow I did something wrong, whereas I know intellectually that it’s just because he doesn’t feel the same way for me and it’s not really personal. Anyway, I feel sick to my stomach and don’t feel like seeing people or even eating. It’s hard to know how to move on, even though I’ve moved on from a lot of relationship endings and it’s always turned out OK. It helps to know I’m not alone.August 2, 2013 at 4:10 pm #39647
Just because you two weren’t “officially” together doesn’t mean you can’t treat it like a regular break up. You invested your EMOTIONS into this man. So naturally, of course, you are feeling wounded and hurt. I have had my fair share of casual dating and only two serious relationships. I had a similar experience once with a guy. I had moved to Michigan for college and a guy added me on fb through a mutual friend and him and I hit it off very well. We had the same birthdays. We liked the same things. We knew the same people. We had lived in the same places. We talked for about a year. However, I lived in Michigan and he lived in South Carolina. We had all these plans and things we were going to do and it was so silly to think about it now, but it was an escape for me. I did invest my feelings and emotions into him and he let me to believe those things too. He also planted those ideas into my head. But then one summer he went off to Spain and he started not communicating as much and he grew apart from me. I was hurt and I sent him an email to let him know and he apologized for making me feel that way and we didn’t talk for a couple of months, but later on I realized we were just really good friends and we are still great friends and every now and then we say hello to each other and catch up and every year we always wish each other happy birthday’s! Maybe you can let your friend know that he has hurt you and if you value his friendship and find it in your heart to forgive him maybe down the line when you are ready you can be friends and see him as only a friend and still have him apart of your life. It’ll get better. You seem like you have a sweet spirit and are a strong individual. It’s okay to be alone. You find out a lot about yourself when you spend time alone. But get out every once in awhile and let the sun hit your face! 🙂 You aren’t alone. If you ever need to talk I’m here! 🙂