July 5, 2020 at 7:24 am #360513
Hello I am a newbie here. I’ve been reading lots of tiny buddha life advices for a long time and just now, I have gained courage to write and ask for help. So I’ve been dating a guy for a 2 yrs, and until now, there’s no label in our relationship. Although he always tells me that he misses and cares for me, his actions doesn’t match with his words. I remembered giving him my virginity during our second date because I thought that if I give him everything he will totally love me for life. But I was wrong, what happened instead was that he just meets me once every month every after my period. We never had any real dates after the second date, nor does he calls or texts me everyday and ask me how I was. He just texts me whenever it’s convenient and when he wants to have sex again. What pained me the most was that I felt like he was using me as a rebound, since he broke up with his girlfriend a few months before we’ve dated, and as well as a sex object. I can’t even voice out my thoughts to him because i’m afraid that he’ll think of me as crazy and an overthinker. And I really hate myself for justifying stupid reasons why I shouldn’t leave him and not being courageous enough to break up. By the way, he was the first very guy that I’ve dated that is why it’s so hard and painful for me to stay away from him, but I know I should stop this all at once for my own peace and happiness. I kindly ask for help 🙂 Thank youJuly 5, 2020 at 9:27 am #360696
Reading this as a male made me feel incredibly ashamed, I apologise that this was your first experience.
You have taken the first step, in recognising this relationship is toxic and I’m sorry but the harsh reality is he is using you for his own needs only. You deserve someone who keeps you safe and wants to wine and dine you. Puts effort into creating a bond or building a connection for a relationship.
It saddens me someone has taken advantage of you being vulnerable. Love can make you blind to the reality of the situation, I see you are young and thought by giving him sexual favours would make him love you. Many despicable men will take advantage of you in that way which is why it is important to guard and protect yourself in future from engaging in sex so soon.
You obviously regret it thus continued trying to make it work. However, we all make mistakes, do no make further mistake of subjecting yourself to being disrespected and further used. Do not try to justify it. Walk away and cut off all contact. You will hurt but heal in time. In future, if you do not want casual sex and more meaningful sex do not give in until you have commitment and know the guy is serious about you.
You were naive but do not let this define your future relationships. Take it as a harsh lesson and seek better for yourself as you deserve so much better.
TimJuly 5, 2020 at 9:36 am #360697
Also you do not owe this boy an explanation after the way he used you for sex. Be strong and cut him off and block on every platform. He will try and weasel his way back into your life with false promises and lies if you give him an opportunity. You’ll continue the cycle of toxicity, which will chip away at your self worth further. Cut him off without any conversation and work on your self esteem.
TimJuly 5, 2020 at 1:12 pm #360723anitaParticipant
What empathetic, intelligent and wise replies by Tim. It is a man who talks like Tim and whose actions fit such words that you need in your life, not the one you described, who tells you “that he misses and cares for you”, but “his actions don’t match with his words”.
Let’s look at his actions: he met you once, had a date with you the second time, had sex with you the second time, and he calls you once a month for the purpose of having sex with you.
You wrote: “I can’t even voice out my thoughts to him because I’m afraid that he’ll think of me as crazy and an overthinker”-
– Clearly, he thinks of you as a sex object. I don’t think that he cares one way or another how you think for as long as you service him sexually. He will probably approve of anything you think if it means that you will continue to avail yourself to him, and disapprove of anything you think if it means that you will no longer avail yourself to him (He would be okay with a woman who is “crazy and an overthinker” if that crazy and overthinking woman will have sex with him!)
“I remembered giving him my virginity during our second date because I thought that if I give him everything he will totally love me for life. But I was wrong… he was the first guy that I’ve dated that is why it’s so hard and painful for me to stay away from him”-
– in your mind, it is either him or no one, either the little you have with him or nothing at all/ abject loneliness. I can see how in this comparison it is difficult for you to let go of the little you have with him.. a little something is better than Nothing.
Is my understanding correct?
anitaJuly 11, 2020 at 3:59 am #361374
Hello Tim!Thank you so much for your wise advice. Your words gave me the courage to block him forever and focus more on my personal goals. And it also gave me hope that there are still men who are into intentional dating.July 11, 2020 at 4:14 am #361375
Hello Anita. As I was reading your response I was so amazed because it’s so accurate and it seems like you can read my thoughts XD Because of what you’ve said, realized that I need to set boundaries and be more discerning when it comes to relationships.July 11, 2020 at 6:52 am #361385anitaParticipant
If you need help setting boundaries and being more discerning when it comes to relationships, please let me know of the particular situation you are in and I will be glad to help you best I can with what to say/ what to do in this or that situation.
anitaJuly 15, 2020 at 9:25 am #361756
Well done! You did the hardest part, that took a lot of courage! Go out, don’t look back in this case and do better! All the best !