Home→Forums→Relationships→How Do I Forgive My Father?
- This topic has 7 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 8 months ago by
dreaming715.
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February 27, 2018 at 9:33 am #195005
KDParticipantAfter a nasty divorce, my father decided the best thing was to leave my life forever when I was a teenager. I didn’t hear from him for 25 years. As a result, I have suffered from ptsd and anxiety from broken promises and trust. The fallout has affected every part of my life. I am being advised to forgive him to help kick this anxiety back a few notches, but I don’t know how. A part of me has forgiven him, I think, but I am afraid if I forgive him, I have to admit I love him and that is scary because of how traumatized I was by trusting him with this fragile emotion. We have regained contact mostly by telephone, but it’s mostly superficial. Any tips from people who have ‘been there, done that’ successfully? I am exhausted from the stress of this and searching for a solution.
February 27, 2018 at 9:47 am #195011
AnonymousGuestDear KD:
Regarding the idea of forgiving your father for abandoning you as a child, for not being in your life for 25 years by his choice, and for causing or significantly contributing to a whole lot of suffering on your part, I ask this:
Did he acknowledge his wrongdoing to you in a clear and sincere way and did he offer you something like significant amount of money (for him), so that you attend therapy (as a way for him to show you that he indeed regrets hurting you and that he indeed is willing to put his actions where his words are)?
anita
February 27, 2018 at 10:01 am #195015
MarkParticipantKD,
I was thinking of the restorative justice model that may be able to applied to you and your father’s situation. Even though it is normally thought of being used in the criminal justice context, I think the principle(s) can be applied to your situation.
Restorative justice processes ideally allow for a voluntary, face-to-face dialogue between the person who committed the harm, the victim, and community members supporting the person who harmed and the victim. This dialogue is intended for the victim to identify his needs, and for the person who harmed to take accountability for her actions and to come up with ways in which she can meet the victim’s needs. Restorative justice does not seek to alienate or isolate people who commit crimes, but instead to offer community support that will allow the person who harmed to successfully meet her obligations to the victim.
Types of restorative justice
http://www.naag.org/publications/naagazette/volume-8-number-10/what-is-restorative-justice.php
It seems to me that being able to sit down with your father (or video conference) and have a conversation with him about the harm you experienced without blame or shame. The focus is healing for yourself not to beat up your father. Obviously your father will want to participate in such a process. A mediator may be needed. A counselor perhaps.
The healing may include your father giving an explanation for his behavior and taking responsibility. For you, the healing may happen for just being listened to and heard by your father without him being defensive.
Mark
February 27, 2018 at 10:27 am #195027KDParticipantHe said the neglect was “for my own good.” He has offered up some regrets, but justifies it based on his memory of the past. I don’t think he wants to articulate or go back to that painful past in our lives. I want to move on without causing anyone more pain. I will definitely look into the restorative justice idea. Thanks:).
February 27, 2018 at 11:20 am #195047AnonymousGuestDear KD:
Whatever regrets he offered have been neutralized, that is, cancelled when he told you that his neglect was “for (your) own good”, do you agree? When he justifies his long, long term choice to not be in your life, he further cancel the regrets he expressed.
I don’t know of a possible way to be in contact with a person who hurt you that badly without clear and sincere regret as well as real efforts to show those words are indeed sincere.
It is not healthy of course, to be stewing in anger on and on and on. There has to be a resolution to the hurt underneath the anger. Maybe you can think of a resolution that will work for you…?
anita
February 27, 2018 at 12:59 pm #195083MarkParticipantKD,
I agree with anita. Unless your father is willing to take responsibility for his actions then trying to reconcile/resolve/”restorative justice” would probably be moot.
It sounds like the best recourse is to heal yourself. I would go through the stages for forgiveness first. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/heart-and-soul-healing/201301/9-steps-forgiveness
I understand your conflict between wanting to love your father and your pain from him.
Go through those steps first before jumping right into forgiving and loving him.
Mark
February 27, 2018 at 1:21 pm #195087KDParticipantThank you for some sage wisdom…and the links:)
March 1, 2018 at 3:59 pm #195549
dreaming715ParticipantI agree that your father may have invalidated how you’re feeling by saying it was “for your own good.” I experienced a falling out with my biological mother and I haven’t seen her in 2 years (and we haven’t talked in 1.5 years now). I understand this is a difficult time for you and just want you to know you’re not alone.
I’ve looked up many articles on how to let go and forgive someone to alleviate feelings of sadness and anxiety. I can only speak for my personal situation, but my mom wasn’t able to offer me an apology or “comforting words,” so it has made the process more difficult.
This link may be helpful to you: https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201605/rewrite-your-life
The article states: “From writing down your experiences to reframing your perspective, myriad techniques can help you transcend painful setbacks and reshape your own story.” This is something I would like to try.
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