Home→Forums→Relationships→How do I get my feelings back for my 4 years boyfriend and soon to be fiancee?
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September 30, 2018 at 10:54 am #228201
SomeoneParticipantGi am a 25 year old from Bangladesh. I have been dating for four years now and all my friends have started getting married. I also want to get married to my loving boyfriend. He is more like a boyfriend to me. He treats me as his wife from the very beginning. But I have a issue with the feeling LOVE. I used to have lots of crushes. I thought it was not normal. Wherever I went I used to have a crush. Then when 21 when my boyfriend approached me I saw him as a potential man and I thought to myself WHAT ACTUALLY IS THE LOVE FEELING? However I said yes. And he started treating me like a queen but the problem is the way he feels about me, the intensity I try sooo hard to have those but I can’t. Then just 4 months back I started thinking myself maybe I don’t love him. I was so depressed knowing that this is THE GUY but still I couldn’t feel a thing. I told this horrible thing to him. He has counseled me on so many levels but yet I am struggling. Now wherever I go if I see a guy I kind of start liking them. There is guilt, pain .. too much pain for me. Everyday I wake up and think from today everything will be okay but the thoughts of liking other man, not having the intensity like him, and other issue like his salary or minor things which can be easily ignored become such a burden on my head. My health is deteriorating and I am falling behind in my career. Sometimes I feel am I bad person that God has barred me from feeling the most wonderful feeling of love??
September 30, 2018 at 12:50 pm #228291
AnonymousGuestDear Sharmin:
It is my understanding that at one point you figured you are a bad person for feeling crushes toward men you just met, and not feeling love for your long time boyfriend. Most of us feel a lot of distress when we think we are bad people.
Thing with feelings is that we can’t force ourselves to feel something we don’t feel, and to not feel what we do feel. The way to go about life is to notice what we feel but to not judge ourselves as bad people for feeling this or that. Instead, focus on our behaviors. If you don’t flirt with the men you have crushes on (while you have a boyfriend), and you don’t engage with them, then you are not a bad person no matter what you feel.
Focus on your behavior as what determines you being a good or bad person, not on your feelings.
You got to place now that you are afraid that you don’t love your boyfriend. When we are afraid, we can’t feel the soft feeling of love. Fear and love don’t go together. It is only if when you stop being afraid, that you may get those loving feelings back.
What do you think/ feel?
anita
October 3, 2018 at 4:33 pm #228909SomeoneParticipantHello Anita
Thank you for replying me. Actually I AM afraid. I am frightened at every other little thing. One moment I am thinking about the guy I just met, I kind of liked and not telling my boyfriend, the next moment it is the guy I dated for merely one month and the fact that he just got married to a more beautiful and more established girl than me. The fact is I don’t want to feel anything to any other guy, it disgusts me. I become mad at myself. I mean true to speaking my boyfriend is a really wonderful soul and he is wayy more attractive than these guys. But yet I don’t know why I am nervous around any other guy? I actually went through these things before I was In a relationship. I used to like every other guy I see. It was fun back then as I was single but now it’s a burden. I am obviously not a teenager anymore 🙁
October 4, 2018 at 5:59 am #228963SomeoneParticipantDear Anita
I wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart. pardon my english though. you see i changed my username as its my real name, didn’t want to be addressed as that. i am much relieved after having a talk with you. you see where i am from people are generally married through an arranged marriage. but i wanted to have a love marriage because i always thought i should be married to someone i love and i should have a strong history with him. when we were dating his mother fell seriously sick, he halted his academic career for a year. Then after graduation has struggling with career. I was very supportive then because we all struggle to get to our esteemed places. I was actually having the BEST time of my life. We had many arguments but there is no doubt we both desire each other’s welfare. Then one day I saw my SO CALLED ex getting married on facebook. I merely talked to him for 15 days most. then he stopped communication and i didn’t bother him either out of self respect. That’s a different story. Actually it was immaturity for both of us. Whatever, my boyfriend told me the news but i acted like i didn’t know know him getting married. Then after several days he found out that I actually knew and he was very mad at me. He told me I shouldn’t have acted like that. We could have a laugh over this matter as he is not really bothered with my past fling but why did I hide that? I convinced him saying I actually didn’t want to talk about that. The problem is after that incident.. I began to think I ma be still in love with that guy. This thought overwhelmed me so much that other negative thoughts generated from that. I was so out of control even though I had the biggest exam coming up whih is very essntial for my career, I couldn’t even concentrate on study whereas i am actually a good student. This is the previous story of what i told you earlier. There are all sort of negative thoughts like are we going to be happy after getting married as people here say love marriages don’t work out well or what is going to happen if I eran more than my husband wherein I am still giving interviews. As i feel attracted to every other guy am i going to be attracted to my son’s friends If I ever have a son.. when i am writing these they sound silly but when i think like these trust me .. I can’t talk easily with my boyfriend and all the time these thoughts occupy me. There is no good thought in my head.. I wouldn’t mind if you don’t read this LONG post. But i have seen you are enough senior to me and you have experience in life. It feels so good that I can talk to a person like this because my parents don’t have a clue what I am going through…
October 4, 2018 at 6:06 am #228965SomeoneParticipantIn case you read my post, my boyfriend knew about my past ‘ex’ thing right from the start and he actually don’t feel anything coz he thinks these things happen in life. But when he saw me hiding the news of his marriage he encountered me saying ‘do you still like him?’ it was his mad talk. He still didn’t have a job then. So he was frustrated and argued that I was drawn to see his wedding pictures because That guy has a job and He arens more. That definitely wasn’t the scenerio, I was just curious. But it banged my head so hard I couldn’t stop thinking like that.. would you suggest me any meditation so that i could connect my body and mind together and focus on the REAL things rather than these imaginary problems?
October 4, 2018 at 7:01 am #228973AnonymousGuestDear Someone:
You are welcome. I agree with your statement: “I AM afraid. I am frightened at every other little thing”. I think you are afraid of the big things as well, getting married with your boyfriend is a big thing and it frightens you.
You’ve been with your boyfriend four years, since you were 21. Women marry young in your country, you said. You know it is your time to marry, that you are running out of time to fit the acceptable range of a woman getting married in your culture and country. I think you feel like a teenager inside and it is not pleasant for you to know that you are not a teenager. You wish you were, don’t you?
You believed in love marriages, not arranged marriages, and to your great distress you find yourself not feeling love for your boyfriend. Well, if there is no love in a love marriage, what is a woman to do?
To add to this, you have crushes on other men and have thought about an ex while being in the relationship with your boyfriend, which brought shame and guilt to you. As if you need more distress, there is also the issue of careers, how you are doing, how he is doing, being behind plans because of his mother getting sick.
It is clear to me that the first thing you need to do is to relax. A person cannot think logically and effectively when anxious and distressed. Anxiety (ongoing fear) and distress, including shame and guilt feelings, are like fog in the brain, making clear thinking impossible, or very hard to come by. There are plenty of guided meditations on line, I like the Mindfulness theme guided meditations. Some of them are short and effective. There are many ways to relax, exercise, long walks, music etc. You can read about Mindfulness, maybe on the home page under BLOGS, there is a category with the word Mindfulness in it, Mindfulness and peace, I think it says.
When you are relaxed, and it can be shortly, if let’s say you take a hot bath, that can relax you a whole lot, for a short while. During that short while you can think by posting here the answer to the following:
What do you feel about being married and having a child or children?
(We can communicate over time if you want, and figure things out, this is just a beginning of better understanding of what is going on).
anita
October 4, 2018 at 10:50 am #229013SomeoneParticipantDear Anita
you may think I am flattering you but true to say I really like you 🙂 .. I thought you would neglect me as a south asian girl of no western connection. Thank you first. Now the real talk! I have followed your procedure. I read the blog on mindfulness in this website. I read 4 articles and have already used those methods in my early life without even knowing. What I realised is I have anxiety issue from an early stage but I handled those. Now I am going to start a new life and I am not alone anymore. I am going to have a husband, have my in laws and of course my parents who are going to be emotionally dependent on me. So these things make things worse in the first hand. And to answer your question I really would like to get married and enjoy every day in my new life. I love children so much and I want to be a loving mother. I am going to meditate from now on. But I am a little worried about my boyfriend. I have already continuously told unpleasant things to him for the past four months like about his family status, their economic condition which would hurt a person instantly but he understood my situation that i was in a bad mental state and just logically pacified me. He just called sometimes ago and he sensed a tone of depression in my voice and asked me if something is wrong. I don’t want to bother him anymore with my these brain farts. These are completely my problems and I will make these go away. Do I need to burden him anymore. He has a job training coming up in 3 days.
regards
your well wisher someone
October 4, 2018 at 10:54 am #229015SomeoneParticipantAnd an early sorry. I just read my post and It seems like I was running from one topic to another 😛 I am actually in a good mode . That’s why all the emos are flooding. thank you again
October 4, 2018 at 11:29 am #229033AnonymousGuestDear Someone:
Thank you for the “I really like you” and smiley face, I am smiling at this moment myself. No matter where you are born you are a human as worthy as any other in the whole wide world. I would be ignorant if I thought otherwise.
You wrote, “my parents who are going to be emotionally dependent on me”- what do you specifically mean by that? I wonder if this is part of your anxiety.
You wrote: “I have already continuously told unpleasant things to (your boyfriend) .. about his family status, their economic condition”- what family status? I wonder about his parents, your future in laws, how are your relationships with them now and what part will they have in your future marriage.
Your concerns about your boyfriend’s/ his family economic condition: are you concerned that as a married person you will not have enough food, shelter, ability to adequately take care of your children?
As you can see I have quite a few questions. I think it is a good thing that you checked out mindfulness and looking more into managing your anxiety. I also think it is a good idea, very good idea to no longer burden your boyfriend with those brain.. fa*& as you said it.
I would like to communicate with you as long as you want. It will take quite a few posts, maybe a few pages for me to get a better and better understanding of your situation and hopefully to give you some helpful input, I hope it will be somewhat helpful. I am not very focused at this time of the day and after maybe answering a few others, I will be away from the computer and back in about sixteen hours or so. If you reply, and I hope you will, I will answer you when I return.
Thank you for your good wishes and I too wish you well!
anita
October 5, 2018 at 7:39 am #229187SomeoneParticipantDear Anita
I have started keeping a journal of how I feel and started talking to myself through the journal. It is quite helpful. Now I can feel THE PRESENT little by little. Thanks to the blogs. Now as you asked me about my parent’s dependence , after I get married I will move to my husband’s house. We will be a joint family living with my husband’s parents and his brother’s family. I am willing to help my parents financially and also come to their house whenever i get time because they need me of course as they are aging. I don’t think this as a burden rather think of this as a return of what they did to me when I was a child. Besides my future in laws are amazing persons. They already treat me as their daughter in law and I have seen my mother in law’s behaviour with her older son’s wife. She treats her as if she were her daughter. I used to be so fascinated with this as they are a very very close family. My family is not like that, As my parents share no romantic relationship. They obviously love us but in comparison with my boyfriend’s family we family members are not that much spiritually connected. Whatever It is, My boyfriend’s family is middle class just like us but there is a family status difference as his father did not work the same profile job my father did. So my father did not like the family at first. Now he has consented to the marriage considering my happiness. All these family status things worried me at first when I just started dating. but then I thought It doesn’t matter what our parents did. We have to make our own identity. He always had a dream of a certain career. When that was not working for him I was supportive because I thought everybody should follow his dream. But yes sometimes I thought of him pursuing a different career but did not tell him so because I did not want to be that woman who would pressurize his partner leave his dream while he is still capable of that. He at last got his dream job. Then one night when I had the negative thought first that I MAY NOT LOVE MY BOYFRIEND rather I still love my ex. It just came to my mind as I felt nervous whenever I saw him around and would avoid him to leave this awkward situation. I made a conclusion out of that. I tried to leave this thought as it disgusted me. The more I tried to leave this thought the more it was settled in my mind. I became devastated. I did not what to do. Then all the negative thoughts I had earlier about my boyfriend just banged me one after another and I was thinking to myself I have to leave him no matter what. I tried to make myself understand I am all hyped but then the inner voices in me started telling me I am a coward, I am living a lie. All those things we hear in a failed relationship I was just saying those things to myself whereas in real life we did not have any problem. Sometimes it was so unbearable I tried to break up with him several times. I thought maybe I don’t love him because I am not sure about our future. I mean everytime I have a different reason. I cried soooo much Anita. I had blank stares. I still get horrified thinking about those times. Everybody seems so sorted out in their life. I have a perfect young life. We have our future ahead. We have so many options. He is so affectionate to me both mentally and physically. Still I think the unnecessary thoughts rather than thinking the REAL things of life.. 🙁
October 5, 2018 at 8:00 am #229195AnonymousGuestDear Someone:
Because you will be living with your future husband’s parents and his brother’s family, the fact that they are loving, kind people is of greatest importance, nothing much is more important than that. It is wise that you observed their family connections, that his mother is good to her other daughter in law and treats you well also.
Your father didn’t like your future husband’s family at first, maybe he still doesn’t like it that his father doesn’t have a better job or occupation. It is very important that he will no longer voice this dislike. Because he agreed to the marriage, he should forever leave alone his past dissatisfaction. Reason: as his daughter, no matter how old you are, you are sensitive to what he thinks, to what he feels.
It was loving of you to not try to talk to your boyfriend/ future husband out of his dream, to “leave his dream while he is still capable of that”.
What you described I the second part of your recent post is anxiety, specifically obsessive thinking that is fueled by anxiety. This anxiety is not based on a relationship being a bad relationship, it is based on the OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) element of the anxiety: you get a thought, the thought scares you, you try to not think of it, you think it anyway, get more scared, try to end the relationship so to no longer get scared.
There are visualizations, part of guided meditations, where you imagine a thought coming into your room through a window and exiting through another window, or through the door. There is a way to learn detachment from our thoughts, observing them instead of .. drowning in them.
It takes noticing the beginning of the distress attached to the thought and calming yourself, visualizing the thought and so forth. You can get better and better at it as you practice.
Think of this: a thought in itself is not a dangerous thing. After all, people think so many thoughts, often enough wishing things to happen, but nothing happens because of thoughts alone. Thoughts have no power in making anything happen.
anita
October 6, 2018 at 7:16 am #229383SomeoneParticipantDear Anita
Thank you for your valuable advice. I may not still be the best of myself but pretty soon I will be. You have showed me the problem. Now It will be a lot easier to find the solution. My first priority is to grow confidence about myself and be friends with myself rather than being disgusted. We are all about thoughts and being able to know what is what. I tried the meditation you said. The very next time I contact you I will give you the best news of mine.. Thank you for helping me. This was a stage what no one could understand. Now It is something very understandable.. Thank you very much.
Someone
October 6, 2018 at 8:28 am #229401AnonymousGuestDear Someone:
You are welcome. It is a pleasure to communicate with you. I am looking forward to read about “the best news of min..”, that you mentioned!
anita
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