Hello Everyone. I’m a Regular College Student. I was always a happy person with no worries. I was an Introvert and couldn’t make friends easily.I spent most of the time alone or with few people. Being alone didn’t bother me much as i was always happy with my self company. I was interested in love and girls but i couldn’t talk with a girl because of my shy nature. All this things didn’t bother me much because i was really Happy from inside. Unfortunately Everything changed from November 2015 when i happened to fall in love with a girl near my house who’s studying in the same place as i do. After a week of talking with her I confessed my feelings to her but she rejected my feelings and said that she likes me a friend. Days passed but things didn’t change, my sadness was just growing more and more with the feelings. As a result i couldn’t perform well in my academics. Unable to stay in the friendzone i left her many times saying that i cant be her friend. Even a little step of her towards a boy would break me from inside. The only reason she stated was that she wanted to make a good career for herself to support her family as she has a financial crisis and falling in love would disturb her. But my feelings for her kept growing more and more as she continued talking to me. Even though i left her and maintained distance from her on purpose she would still talk to me as a friend. She understood that I’m avoiding her because of these unrequited feelings. I made sure that she’ll never speak to me again and avoided her for few months. She still talked to me the same way as she believed that i was a good guy and considered me as a good friend. Few days back i started talking to her and i confessed my feelings to her again. She said that she cant love me back because she was not right to me. For sometime i was mad and angry on myself, my feelings and her that why she couldn’t reciprocate my feelings after everything i did to her. I always thought of her being unsuccessful in life and thought of hurting her so she would accept my love. I know its all wrong thinking from my side. But i couldn’t help myself, i was wasting time thinking about all this. The fact is I couldn’t even look straight in her eyes while talking and my anger just vanishes when i see her.This continued for months together and i was never in good terms with anybody during this time except her. I took a horrible decision of hurting her on purpose so she would leave the idea of being a friend with me. I told her that she was staying as a friend with me just to enjoy the help i would do to her and she didn’t care about me. And i told her goodbye. The next day she met me in college and she told me that “I’m not there with you for any needs, From now on i wont even give you a chance to talk to me. Goodbye” As she spoke i saw hatred for me and i was in tears. I went to her and apologised later but she wasn’t willing to listen. I know that things will be different from now. Most of the time i whined near people about how my feelings were not reciprocated and maybe i tried to prove everyone that she was heartless, which was the worst thing i did.I hurt her so she would cut the friendship with me and so that i could move on, as these unrequited feelings were doing no good to me, apart from making me lonely and depressed. Perhaps i felt unrequited love is a curse in my life.
During this time my relation with neither friends nor family grew stronger. I became more of an introvert and lost the interest to communicate with others and i didn’t take my life and academics seriously. I was immersed completely in her that i lost myself now. I know that its not her fault but i was helpless, as i was attached and bonded by feelings. I took terrible decisions during this time. How do i move ahead in my life now? It feels like I’m stuck with a huge problem in my life. I want to give up one her and i want to forgive myself for all this i brought upon her and myself. There’s no going back to who i was an year ago, I brought miseries to myself. I feel guilty and ashamed of saying those words to her.
Most of the time we had less talks as we texted each other much. Could this be that I love the idea of being with her rather than being with her? Will i ever find someone again?