October 9, 2013 at 8:20 am #43472Sara-LynnParticipant
I’m a 29 year old woman and I have found myself back in a life situation that I feared returning to and I now feel utterly hopeless and confused.
I had a stressful childhood with a mentally disturbed father who is now completely estranged from the family and I have not had contact with in ten years. I feel that holding in this stress led to my becoming sick when I was seventeen and developing Fibromyalgia. I was utterly blindsided and incapacitated by the illness, I left school and ended up being cared for by my mother, for many years I almost returned to infancy ; having no job,no money, no relationship and needing assistance. I was desperately unhappy and deeply lonely. Finally at 23 I went into Psycho Analysis, which I attended two days a week for two years. After two years of this intensive therapy I hit a break through. I had always adored creative writing and wrote a lot of poetry and short stories, I realised that I wanted to study Creative Writing full time, So at 25 I left my home country (Ireland) and moved to London where I did a Creative Writing degree- It was the greatest time of my life, I grew as a person finally making friendships and blossoming in all areas of my life, My fibromyalgia all but disappeared, as though I had removed it’s power by focusing on all that was positive in my life. I fell in love and met the man who is now my partner of four years, he too was a student in my course and in our final year we moved in together.
Then this May we graduated and suddenly I felt like I lost everything, We tried to live together in London but we both struggled to find work, bills piled up and we realised that we could no longer afford to live in London or together. Seemingly out of options we decided to remain a couple but return to our respective family homes, his in the Uk and mine in Ireland. His plan was for him to find work in the Uk and as soon as he had I would come and join him there, that was four months ago and he has yet to secure work and I have returned to my family home and it feels like – my old unhappy life. While I was in Uni in London, I was terrified of one day ending up back where I was and now I feel I have.
I feel so devastated, like I have completely lost my life plan, it doesn’t seem right to have to wait for my partner to have work before I really start my life again, but I want to be with him and I do not want to stay in Ireland. I feel totally hopeless, heartbroken and depressed and these feelings have made my Fibromyalgia flare up again and now I feel that there is no place or purpose for me because I’m sick. I miss my partner desperately and my old life in London just as much. I have become so devastated about feeling stuck in this situation, that I have no idea what to do or where to start to help myself, I feel helpless, lost and empty.
Any advice on how to restart my life again and stop history from repeating itself would be greatly appreciated, Many thanks!October 9, 2013 at 10:01 am #43526MattParticipant
I’m sorry for the fear and suffering you’re experiencing, and know how disorienting it can be to find ourselves in a similar, icky feeling place. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
First, and perhaps you’ve already explored this, sometimes fibromyalgia is connected to a gluten allergy. I’m not a doctor, its just synchronistic that you bring it up because a friend of mine was just telling me how she found out what had been diagnosed as FM was actually from gluten. I figured I’d pass it along either way. 🙂
Next, the surroundings are perhaps the same, but the Sara-Lynn is not the same. You’ve grown, and so history can’t repeat itself. It might look like the same room, might have the same decorations, but because you’ve changed, you’ve begun to harness your heartsong and have learned so much, the situation is irreversibly different. So don’t despair… perhaps it can be observed as an upward spiral, rather than a loop.
I really enjoy your writing, and can see why its become your art. Your words seem to fit together in a great way, and clearly paint your vision. Turning that into a sustainable career can be a process for sure, but there are also lots of opportunities on the web for freelance writers, and with your skill, it might be an avenue worth pursuing. Consider that even if your wish is to write stories or poetry, that writing blog posts or web content might help you sustain yourself while you pursue your other interests.
Finally, have you ever done metta meditation? If we wish for joy to be the momentum that carries our dance through time, metta is the fuel which keeps us peaceful and smooth minded. Sharon Salzburg has a great guided metta meditation on YouTube if you’re interested. Metta is the friendly warm feeling that arises in our chest when we feel kindness, such as petting a kitten. If your current surroundings have a lot of difficult memories tied to them, beginning a metta practice could help reinvigorate the light inside you… so you don’t get “swept in”.
Namaste, sister, thank you for reaching out, and I hope you find your love and light.
MattOctober 12, 2013 at 2:21 pm #43666Bethany @ Journey to IthacaParticipant
There is ALWAYS a path–you just have to find it. Would it be possible for the two of you to live together with one of your sets of parents? Would you both be able to find lower-paying jobs, not necessarily in your fields?
Difficult times bring opportunities, but you have to be willing to let go of your plans. I just went through an incredibly dark winter, when I thought that there was no hope at all, but that winter led to me dramatically changing my life and making it better than I could have possibly imagined.
Hang in there–and don’t judge. Don’t call it “backsliding” or whatever. You’re just regrouping; history is NOT repeating itself.