my answer: since she is an adult, and one to whom you are not married, and with whom you do not share children, once she pushes you away… you stay away. You stay away and accept that it might be a permanent break, an ending to the relationship.

There is a concept called Radical Acceptance, which is about aiming at completely accepting reality, not struggling or resisting it at all.

Hi, thank you for the reply.

I understand what you are saying, but I’d like to push back on this a little bit.

I agree that I should stay away, but I don’t agree that I should stay away forever and just let the relationship die at this juncture if that is what you are suggesting. I feel it would be very early to accept that.

I undersand the concept, but I just think sometimes you do have to struggle and resist if it is something important enough to you. I believe we possess the power to bend reality to our liking, and you have to try to fight for control over your own destiny if the person  that you are at risk of losing is important enough to you.

Now, if after you try and it fails, at some point – yes – you should accept it and move on. But I don’t feel I’m at that point. I don’t think she is either.

[quote quote=426835]Dear Justaguy01: You are welcome. “I understand what you are saying, but I’d like to push back on this a little bit”- and you are welcome to disagree with me! “I agree that I should stay away, but I don’t agree that I should stay away forever… if after you try and it fails, at some point – yes – you should accept it and move on. But I don’t feel I’m at that point. I don’t think she is either“- – I was wondering when I first read this: “we had a great relationship with a bond that seemed to have started early and kept growing deeper and stronger with each passing week… She is very close with her mother… she has increasingly distanced pushed me away“- I was wondering if the type of closeness she has with her mother is the exclusive type, that is: to be close to her mother, she has to distance herself from others, including from you, with whom she was very close? anita[/quote]

Yes, that is possible and something that I have thought about. My deepest sense is that she is emotionally overwhelmed and no longer possesses the emotional energy to maintain a relationship with me at the moment. But I hold on to hope that this is a temporary moment that can pass, and that she can find herself back to me again.

I guess I am hoping that if she wanted to end it, she would have been more clear about telling me, instead of telling me she needs some space, which in my mind indicates a temporary thing… I don’t know. Maybe I’m being naive. I guess I am hoping that with enough time, if I just wait it out in the background and give her gentle reminders of love and support here and there that we can get through this. Isn’t that what a relationship is about? Sticking together during the lowest of the lows.

yes, it is. What was the agreement between the two of you in regard to the nature of and length of this break/ space?

We didn’t have an agreement. We didn’t discuss that. She just messaged me one day and frankly the fact that I haven’t so much as seen her online on any of the messaging platforms we use to communicate worries me. It’s been 8 days and this is the longest we’ve ever gone without talking.

I feel it is a long time. I don’t want to burden her, but I also don’t want to let too much time pass. How much longer do you think I should wait if I don’t hear from her?

because you think that she stays away from people and activities in general, indicating that she’s depressed, or do you worry that she is staying away specifically from you?

I guess I am worried that she is staying away specifically from me. Even though the signs based on our conversations do tell me she is going through a depressive episode. Maybe it’s just my mind wandering.

Maybe she fits the Avoidant Attachment Style (avoiding emotional closeness in times of heightened anxiety) and you fit the Anxious Attachment Style (seeking emotional closeness in times of heightened anxiety)…?

I don’t know a great deal about this sort of thing, but I probably am the latter. It isn’t the first time I feel anxious about our relationship. Truth be told I have gone through many instances where internally and privately I have felt this fear of abandonment in our relationship, and what’s embarrassing is that in every instance up until now that fear was proven to be unfounded, and I sit there feeling like I have egg on my face and mad at myself for feeling so insecure. I guess it is something that has traces going back to previous relationships. If it’s worth mentioning, I have been extremely conscious of not showing that side of me to her. I know it’s something I need to work on.

“I am worried that she is staying away specifically from me“- In the realm of possibilities, it is unfortunately possible (I have no reason to think that this is the case here) that rather than her fitting The Avoidant Attachment Style, she fits (and I am making up the term here) The Breakup Confrontational Avoidant Style. Many people, when breaking up with a partner, instead of doing it directly, which they perceive to be a confrontation, something unpleasant, they go about it indirectly, disappearing from the person’s life and hoping that the message will sink in over time.

I hate to bring this possibility up but it’s not like this is a new possibility in your mind. You’re already worried about it. Since you’ve known her for a while, is she a confrontational avoidant person in the context of her work, family, friends…?

Well, I don’t like the thought of that… Obviously it’s been consuming my mind for the last week and more. I don’t know. Of course it is possible. I can’t comprehend why that would be the case because I know she loves me. I mentioned in my original post that her behaviour in all the time we’ve been together has always been consistent. Consistently positive, I.E: warm, affectionate, loving, caring.

I would even say that the dynamic had changed. Where in the first couple of months, I was the one who did more of the pursuing and chasing, until she started to reciprocrate and, at some point, it turned into a full-fledged relationship. But after a while – starting maybe about three to four months ago –  she was the one who started to become the more engaged of the two (not to say that my engagement in the relationship dropped off, becaue it didn’t.) But I could tell because she was giving me even more attention and was looking to be more connected and committed to the relationship. And I accepted that and reciprocated it whole-heartedly.

We really didn’t have any issues. This is what is so painful and confusing. There were no signs whatsoever that something was wrong with our relationship.

So, I don’t know. I only know what she tells me. That she is experiencing negative things that don’t appear to have anything to do with me. That she is feeling depressed largely because of the situation with her mother and it is affecting her in all facets of her life, not just our relationship. She even assured me once that the problem isn’t me and that if it was she would tell me.

So, of course my mind wanders to all the possibilities. But unless she has been lying to my face this entire time and making up this excuse that she is depressed… That would be pretty cruel and heartbreaking. But how am I to know if she is trying to indirectly break-up or if she is actually seriously depressed and emotionally drained and actually just needs some space.

It gets to the point where I can’t even trust my own mind. I don’t know what to believe and whether the thing I believe in one moment is the rational thing to believe or if it is paranoia clouding my judgment?

I don’t know. For now, I guess I have to take her word for it, and, let time take its course.

I think eventually, if I see that she is still no longer responding on this emotional level then, yes, we will need to have that talk and honestly clear the air. That’s the direction this is headed in. Obviously I hope it doesn’t get to that point. I would like to send her a message first just to see how she is doing. Maybe a few more days. I don’t want to trip over myself and jump to a conclusion I am still not sure of right now that could make things worse. If she responds to it and opens up the channel for communication again, then I would see that as a good thing, no? If not, then it goes the other way. But yes, this is excruciating.

But should I give her the benefit of the doubt? I’m thinking of the person that I know, or knew, for the last year. The one who was so joyous and emotionally connected and invested in me and our relationship. To think that was all a lie, or even that it can disappear just like that seems incomprehensible at this moment.