Dear Justaguy01:

“I believe we possess the power to bend reality to our liking“- to shape reality to our liking, that is, to change the parts of reality that can be changed for the better, we first have to see reality as it is: to not turn a blind eye to and deny the parts we don’t want to see, and to not make believe reality is better than or different from what it is. We have to have the courage to see the good, the bad and the ugly, so to speak. We may have the opportunity to change for the better only what we see as-is.

It is not just you. It’s her, it’s me… We all deny or minimize what we don’t want to see, it’s natural, instinctive.

“In general I have never had attachment issues in our relationship before – at least not that I was conscious of… It isn’t the first time I feel anxious about our relationship. Truth be told I have gone through many instances where internally and privately I have felt this fear of abandonment in our relationship“- you did have attachment issues in the relationship, but in the first sentence, you preferred to deny it.

“It isn’t the first time I feel anxious about our relationship…I have been extremely conscious of not showing that side of me to her“, “She acknowledged that she has become distant, but insisted that it isn’t because of me and that she has become this way with everyone in her life… she tells me… she is experiencing negative things that don’t appear to have anything to do with me… She even assured me once that the problem isn’t me and that if it was she would tell me”-

– the side of you that was anxious about the relationship did show. She saw it. This is why she assured and reassured you that.. it wasn’t about you.

“Things have changed rather abruptly in the last few weeks… She said she is sleeping more, feels like she is going through the motions“- things probably didn’t change as abruptly as you think they did. I am guessing that she’s been going through the motions for a while before you noticed.

“I could see that she was becoming increasingly distant…  She then came to me telling me that she does need some space… She even assured me once that the problem isn’t me and that if it was she would tell me… how am I to know if she is trying to indirectly break-up… I can’t even trust my own mind. I don’t know what to believe and whether the thing I believe in one moment is the rational thing to believe or if it is paranoia clouding my judgment?…  I’m thinking of the person that I know, or knew, for the last year. The one who was so joyous and emotionally connected”-

– if you message her, let her know that you want to get to know her just the way she is (the good,  the bad and the ugly, so to speak). Tell her that you are strong enough (if it is true) to hear what it is about you that turned her off to you. Tell her that you can handle it. Invite her to talk to you, to be truly heard. There may be hope there.

anita