Home→Forums→Relationships→How do you get over a toxic relationship?
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Adam P.
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June 4, 2015 at 1:12 pm #77747
MarieParticipantThe relationship in question was an intimate work environment where there were often daily aggressions towards my worth as a human being.
I am now in a beautiful, inspiring, growth-based, creative job (I love it), but I still sometimes find myself questioning why this person desired to continually attempt to break my spirit and creative drive. Basically, I’m having trouble 100% letting go of this toxic experience.
I now just see what others have told me- that she was a sad individual who received little love in her childhood and had a humongous chip on her shoulder, but I still struggle with how she treated me and others and then would twist reality for her own benefit.
Is that narcissism? Psychopathic tendencies? I don’t know. All I do know is that the darkness in this woman was vast and filled with fear, insecurity, and pain. Incredibly draining to be around. On a daily basis I felt her pain trying to reach out and cling to (and oftentimes gleefully attempt to squash) whatever light it could grasp, and since my desk was the closest to hers, it was oftentimes me.
Now that I’m free of her tentacles, I still sometimes have moments of anger or confusion: Why? Why do people get off on trying to tear others down? How is that happiness?
And how can I move on, once and for all, from the memory of how she treated me and others?
Point-blank: does anyone have any tips on how to heal from a verbally and mentally abusive environment? Reiki? Take it one day at a time? Yoga? Try to forget?
I feel I have learned by being around such a toxic presence, but I would like to get to the point that I no longer think of how unstable she was to myself and others.
June 4, 2015 at 4:42 pm #77751
MattParticipantL&li,
Do you think she woke up in the morning thinking “how can I tear down that person today?”
Consider a healing mantra: “I choose to set down, give up, and forgive whatever causes, conditions, and behaviors that happened between us. May she be free of any further suffering, and may I be free of any further suffering.”
Quit trying to justify, explain, diagnose or judge her behaviors. That’s not helping you become free. Its just residual anger and entanglement. Toss it off, unneeded. Focus on the fertile fields, not the infertile fields. 🙂
With warmth,
MattJune 5, 2015 at 4:59 am #77759
InkyParticipantHi lostandlovinit,
Words have power. Vibrations are real. You have probably been in a (more or less) normal, stable environment for most of your life with normal, relatively stable people. As in, when someone would get upset you could totally pinpoint the cause or your behavior and either understand it or fix it. Naturally when you run across a creature like this it can literally feel like a shock to your system.
It sounds like this woman was attacking your soul, your essence, trying to fill you with shame. I had this exact same experience!! I didn’t have to work with her, thank God!
I’m sorry to say, as much as I wrote in a journal and burned the pages, vented to my friends, got sucked into a shame spiral, etc., etc., the ONLY thing that got me through it was TIME! It is now eight years later (!) and I can say, truly, that I’m “Over It”. Meaning, hearing of, thinking of, or seeing this person doesn’t trigger me anymore. Yes, try Matt’s mantra above!! It might work, but in general just move on with your life. If she’s not around, she doesn’t “exist” you know? Pretend she was literally a nightmare you had one night.
Best,
Inky
June 5, 2015 at 6:42 am #77760
AnonymousGuestDear lostandlovinit:
I had a person like that in my life, a person whose actions and personhood that fit your descriptions: “daily aggressions towards my worth as a human being…break my spirit and creative drive…a sad individual who received little love in her childhood and had a humongous chip on her shoulder…twist reality for her own benefit…darkness in this woman was vast and filled with fear, insecurity, and pain. Incredibly draining to be around. On a daily basis I felt her pain trying to reach out and cling to (and oftentimes gleefully attempt to squash) whatever light it could grasp, and since (I) was the closest to hers, it was oftentimes me.Now that I’m free of her tentacles, I still sometimes have moments of anger or confusion…how can I move on, once and for all, from the memory of how she treated me and others…a toxic presence, but I would like to get to the point that I no longer think of (her)”
That person in my life was my mother. I finally cut contact with her two years ago, at 52. I suffered a great deal even without contact with her because I internalized her as my Inner Critic (Freudan Superego), redected my own person, my child part, like she did and basically took after her lead and made myself as miserable as she made me.
I thought for many years about the WHY- and often felt empathy for her because of her miserable childhood, not feeling that empathy could apply to me. I am realizing these very days, well into my healing from the vast and deep damage done to me by this early and five decade long toxic relationship, that in the context of predator (she)/ prey (me) relationship, empathy by the prey for the predator is inappropriate and harmful becasue it keeps the prey in its position, prey. It is okay with me that anyone else, anyone not involved with her in a predator/ prey relationship FEELS emapthy for her, only not ME. At least I am no longer going to voluntarily engage in empathy for her.
As far as you are concerned, make sure you don’t live with a person like that- and stay away from such in any context.
anitaJune 5, 2015 at 9:52 am #77764 -
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 