Dear Eva,

I’ll start with your last question:

“Is there really not a way for us to be together? it’s not that hard isn’t it?”

Under normal circumstances it wouldn’t be such a complicated situation. If the two of you really cared about each other, and you’ve clicked perfectly, as you say, having exes in your social circle wouldn’t be such an insurmountable problem. It might be uncomfortable at first, but with time those exes (and your other friends) would get used to the idea that the two of you are together, and if they don’t, you could always stop hanging out with them, I’d imagine.

However, your boyfriend is making it complicated, and there might be more reasons. One is that he probably still has feelings for his ex. He denied it, saying they were just friends, but if he was secretly seeing her while the two of you were dating, if he now isn’t sure that he doesn’t want to get back to her, and he’s making fun of you in front of her – well, all those are signs that he still has feelings for her. Regardless of how much the two of you clicked.

The other reason, which he gives, is that he feels awkward about having exes in your friends circle, not just his ex, but apparently your ex too (although he sees him only three times a year). He says it’s “not moral”. Considering that he still has feelings for his ex, he’s probably more concerned about his ex and that it’s not “moral” towards her, rather than your ex. Although he might feel guilty for having “betrayed” his friend, since they were best friends before. So that may play into his feeling of “being immoral”.

You said:

“But, we sat down one day and talked about all the chances how we can be together or how is it possible. Sadly, we couldn’t find a reasonable idea how to be free in a relationship because one of the mutual friends from the group of friends from my previous ex was his ex. “

That was before it turned out he still might have feelings for his ex girlfriend. Were you okay hanging around with her, or it bothered you already then? Or it was mostly him who said it would be impossible to behave freely with you when she’s around?

Did you then keep your relationship secret for those 6 months, or how did it play out?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Tee.

Dear Eva,

so he was secretly dating his ex, but not while the two of you were together, but before that? (I misunderstood earlier that he was meeting with his ex while the two of you were dating).

Well, it’s curious they would keep it a secret. Because I guess at that time he didn’t have any “moral” reasons to keep it a secret. Maybe she did?

In any case, you were put in a situation where you needed to hide your love for him, not to hurt someone else’s feelings. You said you both agreed to it (“we couldn’t find a reasonable idea how to be free in a relationship“), but how did you feel about that?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Tee.

Dear Eva:

He kept his dating the other woman in the group a secret from the group (and from others outside the group perhaps), and he kept his dating you a secret. He suggested to you that the relationship with you is “not moral”.

Many people view the bible as the authority on morality: of what is right/good behavior and what is wrong/bad behavior. I believe that parts of the bible do teach morality very well. Here is one such part, John 8:31-32: “Jesus said… ‘If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free”.

If a secret can make a difference between life and death, then it is right thing to keep that secret. If a secret can protect an innocent child from great emotional pain, then it’s right to keep that secret. But within a group of young adults, no life and death situation, no children involved, keeping the secrets he’s been keeping is amoral, that is: not moral: it deceives all the members in the group!

What if you set yourself, this man, the other woman and everyone else in the group free and undo the secret: tell the truth?

anita