Kirsty,

I can understand and respect the confusion that arises when we go from feeling clear to feeling confused. This is pretty normal, and happens to almost all of us until we learn the lessons of the confusion. Said differently, the moments of clarity arise alongside the confusion during our development.

Sakyong Mipham, who is a Buddhist teacher and scholar said that many beginning students complain that development (in his context, meditative awareness) makes them even more crazy. Before meditation, they felt somewhat calm, but after they begin, their mind appears to become far more chaotic. He smiles and says that the mind is no different, we just become more aware of how untamed the mind was the whole time.

When we notice that we move from clarity to confusion, we are in a very special place. It is like the sun rising and falling, and the moon rising and falling. During clarity, things shine and sparkle. During the moon, shadows deepen and we are startled by the neurosis of our mind. This is normal. The moon phase deepens our awareness, filling our body with insight and awareness, which then knits together for the next sun phase.

Don’t fight it, the lesson isn’t how to stay in the sun all the time, but rather how to integrate both light and dark into the path of unity. Said differently, you are a being who both smiles and cries, and each is important to who you are.

To relax into this unity, consider cultivating humility. When in the sun, instead of “look at what I know and see” we can say “thank you for the sacred beauty, I will use what I see and know for the benefit of myself and others”. When in the moon, instead of “oh my, I am an utter fool” we can say “thank you for the awareness, I will use the shadows to better understand what needs cleaning and what needs nourishing”. In this way, we have the conditions to let go of the peaks and valleys and develop equanimity (inner stability).

Also consider, your peaks and valleys are actually an upward/inward spiral. With each cycle, we know ourselves better.

With warmth,
Matt

Kirsty,

I’m glad the words helped! Connecting with a spiritual community is something the Buddha said was one of the pillars of cultivation. Something else came to heart as I read your response.

Consider that control is something that can quickly become rigid as we try to force ourselves to grow. Be patient! Growth takes time, unfolding like the petals of a lotus. 🙂 When we’re in pain, however, our bodies almost demand that we do something. But what?

What some of us find is that it is a good time to let go. Instead of trying to keep the emotion out like pushing closed our front door, we can open up the back door and let is pass through. We can use that urge to control to open up the space around the emotion by self-nurturing… such as meditation, quiet music, nature walks, joking with our friends, taking a bath and so forth. We don’t try to control energy of it, rather give it space to settle.

With warmth,
Matt

Kirsty, one suggestion – watch the Naughty Not-ty words. You can do whatever but you can only do it one day at a time. You only control this minute (second) so learn from what you did but how do you want this minute to be.
I am still learning this and write blogs, books and other articles on this and one thing I know with so many of my clients is that living this minute is a great challenge. You are a PERFECT YOU. Keep loving yourself. Keep valuing your self. And know that if you keep on your journey of discovery, you will be open to AWESOME experiences.
Much love and good thoughts
Roberta