Hi everyone,

I’ve been a long-time fan of Tiny Buddha and wanted to share my personal story of how I grew up in a toxic household and still managed to get my life back on track.

I’ll start with the basic facts: I grew up in South Florida, being an only child ( I do have an estranged half brother who lives up north ) and was raised by my mother and father.

Now as a disclaimer, I know that my parents did their best to raise me. I’ve never gone hungry and have received plenty of monetary gifts from them. From the outside, my childhood looks idyllic. However, it doesn’t negate the fact that for my entire life, my father was a functional alcoholic and my mother verbally and psychologically abused me from the time I was a toddler.

My Parents

I have an easier time forgiving my father for his indiscretions because he himself suffers from depression and PTSD. My mother on the other hand, I’m still in the process of forgiving. My mother would do things that indicated she loved me, like buying me toys and clothes and referring to me as her “precious jewel”, which always creeped me out. But just as soon as she did something affectionate, she’d do a 180 and would scream at me for minor accidents, call me an “idiot” and a “pig”, and would threaten to run away from home. She was always very overprotective of me and if the news featured a story of a pedophile or missing child, she would hold me while she cried. She also told me that she wished she had never married my father, the list goes on. Something that really upset me as a child as when I left the shower running one day, and she lashed out at me and said “Great, you wasted all that water and now the manatees are going to die.” She knew I was ( and still am ) an avid animal lover, so naturally this made me cry. After a while I got used to her erratic behavior. My dad was either not around or just ignored the verbal abuse so I have always felt alone.

My sexuality

I identify as bisexual, and in my household it’s simply not acceptable. I went to the hospital twice for alcohol poisoning and finally called my dad and tearfully admitted to not being straight. He simply replied “No you’re not.” and that was the end of that discussion. For my whole life I felt shame for my urges and repressed my feelings.

For most of my life I have battled depression and anxiety; years of living in fear and being shamed constantly took it’s toll and I became an alcoholic for 4 years. I struggled in school because I never felt comfortable with anyone helping me. I also have a hard time maintaining meaningful relationships due to deeply ingrained trust issues. I tried to party the pain away by drinking and having sex. It wasn’t until I became sober last year ( I am now 23 ) that I realized I was practically living in a dream. I look back and can’t believe the reckless decisions I made and how many times I endangered my own life, because I didn’t feel like life was worth living. I’ve been criticized for my cynical attitude towards life because I was provided a comfortable lifestyle by my parents, but it will never make up for the fact that I was abused for nearly my entire life.

Overcoming anxiety and depression brought on by such abuse is difficult and takes time; there’s no magic pill that can cure it overnight. It’s taken me years to recover and be a normally functioning adult. I have an irrational fear of success and self promotion because I never learned how to love myself. Now, with so many resources on the internet like Tiny Buddha, I’ve been able to treat my own condition and flourish. I have to constantly remind myself that I am in control of my destiny and that my environment is not a reflection of who I am, and that my parents are not a reflection of who I am. If I have a panic attack I simply repeat to myself “I’m okay” or “I’m fine”, and simple breathing exercises are valuable in a pinch. I am currently finishing my bachelor’s degree in business and am aiming to create a non-profit foundation for the conservation of endangered animals in Florida. I’m still trapped in the confines of my home, but I have learned to look beyond it’s walls and to embrace a state of mind that inspires freedom, independence and success.