how much is too much?

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    Someone I am very close to is very sad.

    But this someone is a “man” who avoids emotions at all costs (unless of course a little drunk or sleep talking) and generally shies away from things that make him uncomfortable, feel vulnerable or possibly emotional. Resulting in resentment, hurt feelings and a whole lot of confusion. Which I could only imagine adds to the sadness he already harbors.

    Growing up in a household where concealing emotions and eventually blowing up from them was the norm, it is taking me a lot of time to break this behavior and confront and deal with the uncomfortable stuff we all feel but don’t want to deal with. Every day is a little better, but I have a long way to go. But my point being, I’m trying. The sadness I feel, I try hard to see in a different light. I disagree with the notion that life is “supposed” to be hard and strongly believe your perception makes a lot of things better.

    But this sad dude has the theory of being “content in discontent”- working a job you hate, living paycheck to paycheck in a town you don’t care for, not fully opening up because you’ve “been hurt before so it’s bound to happen again” Dealing with life rather than experiencing it.

    He considers himself a loser, not good enough, not attractive enough, and the list goes on and on. I know insecurities are some of the hardest things to get over, and we are our worst critics. I struggle with my own, every day. Everyone does.

    I just want to see him happy. I care so deeply for this individual and see so much in him. On a selfish note, if the process of developing a more positive mind would begin, it would affect our relationship greatly. He would stop letting the past dictate his future and stop considering feelings as the worst thing that could happen to him. He would see his IS good enough and the only one who doesn’t think so is his inner critic. But on a selfless note, even if he never changes his sad attitude, I won’t walk away from him. I won’t judge him for being sad, I won’t resent him. Though we aren’t married- I believe ‘for better or for worse’ applies in all aspects of all relationships, to an extent.

    So, after my long winded explanation, my question is: how much is too much? Are there any tips on helping someone who’s stubborn to new ideas change their minds to see the ideas? I want to help- not harm, and I certainly don’t want to look as if I’m mothering him or being overbearing. But I see a man who’s suffering, has the ability to change it, and truly does want to, but doesn’t know where to start. Someone who’s scared of looking like less of a man by expressing emotions or seeing the bright side. I see someone fighting their own worst enemy- and I see it so clearly because I am the same. And though I am on the path to be a better and more peaceful, happy person, I wish I had someone guide me when I started and didn’t know how to.

    Thanks for reading!


    The best way to help anyone is to help yourself. Your behavior may trigger responses in others that may result in them taking action. In your case (and even everyone’s), continue on your path to self-peace and happiness and perhaps one day he may take witness of the beauty in you and want the same for himself; finally taking action. As far as how long this will take will be up to him. Just be ready to be there for him as best you can when he finally seeks help/support.

    Best of luck to you.


    Thanks, Al 🙂

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