March 17, 2014 at 8:47 pm #52931alexParticipant
Hi! Thank you for any advice ahead of time.
About seven months back, my boyfriend and I went through a difficult break up. It came as a pretty big shock to me, and he laid out all the problems he had with our relationship all at once. I’ll admit, we were having problems for a while. Regardless, I was torn up, especially about the way he handled it. We ended up getting back together about two months later, and I’ve had some residual issues from our past. While I don’t think he has or would cheat (he has been cheated on), he has given me minor reasons to question his loyalty (skyping with a random girl, liking other girl’s pictures, being very defensive when I ask anything about these actions).
The breakup made me question everything about our relationship, and the minor reasons have added up to become a major reason to have a lack of trust in him. I’m a pretty guarded and independent person naturally, so I take my relationships seriously. If I am going to give myself to a relationship, I’m not going to break up to make up. I don’t want to play games with someone, and I’m 100% honest with the other person. If I don’t feel like the other person is being honest, I tend to pull back a little bit to avoid getting hurt.
In this second time around, I’ve been distant. He’s felt it, and mentioned it many times. I love him a lot, but I’ve never been hurt in the way he has hurt me and my feelings. I can tell he is taking it seriously now, and I know he has always loved me, but I can’t seem to put myself out there again. I’d rather make my own money and pay for things myself, plan my own future out, and keeping my feelings separate. He says he wants to care for me and be the man in the relationship, but I won’t let him. And it’s true, but because I feel like I can’t fully trust him, I like to do things by myself for myself.
I want to be in control because that’s my comfort zone. I don’t feel comfortable letting him take control because that means I’ll be vulnerable, and I don’t want to feel that pain again. I know I can’t continue feeling this way, because I’m constantly swinging back and forth from being happy to uneasy. It’s not good for either of us, so I’d like to know if any of you have learned how open yourself up to a relationship again and let go of the pain of the past.March 18, 2014 at 2:44 am #52948BrookeParticipant
Hi there. I hope to be of some help to you because I can relate
to how you are feeling. I do believe however, every relationship is different. I dont compare my relationships to ones I see in the media, close nit friends, or just even couples out on the street. Not knowing the entirty of your relationship reguarding the past pre break up, I may not be quite where you are. Ive been in a relationship with a guy for a year now. I 26, him 22. Long story short the first 4-5 months of our relationship were rocky and a lot of us getting to know each other was through text. Him and I have never been friends on Facebook and were still not to this day. Thats my first piece of advice. Keep social networking out of a relationship unless you are 100% positive trust in your partner. Anywho, around the time things began to rocky he had admitted that I was not his “dream girl.” At the time I was heart broken. I kept thinking “where does that leave room for a potential future?” Too me it sounded like he was gonna have a fun ride for awhile until his “dream girl” came along and then id be brushed off as if I were nothing. Unfortunately for me, I carried that thought for another 4 or 5 month. And it did nothing but give constant worry about the future. That thought tho gave me a lot of self acceptance about who I was as a person. I dont know the man’s definition for “dream girl” but all I have to say is if shes out there good luck finding her a keeping her because I know that im not like most girls. Knowing my uniqueness is set apart from other girls keeps me driven to think that if there so happens that this “dream girl” comes along and im no longer his interest that its his loss not yours. As far as talking to other girls goes get honesty outta him. When my boyfriend was first texting, I like to call, “friend girls” he would always be texting when im out of the room and when id re enter hed shut his phone down and put his phone away. This alone made me weary but I called him out on it. I told him, to me, looking like your trying to hide something only makes me think the worst. If he continued to text whomever I wouldnt have any suspision because he could be talking to his mother or brother. But because he stuck his phone away anytime I entered the room it seemes suspisious. Those are a few scinerios of my relationship. As of right now him and I are on a great path. My suggestion right now would be to focus on the present state of your relationship. Dont think about where its going to go, think about where it is now. Enjoy the time you have together now. Know youll be a strong person and can do the things you want to do without him should another break up occur. Be honest with eacg other. Open and communicative. This takes BOTH of you. And lastly, accusing a man constantly isnt goinf to make things better. Has he accused you at all? How would you feel if he attacked you about talking to a guy? Im sure you have male friends, just as he has every right for female friends. Hope this helps. Hope this helps a little. Peace!March 18, 2014 at 3:16 am #52950BRUNOParticipant
trust is the basis for any bonding in a relationship, -but there are different types of bond- magnetic in case of an attraction, symbiotic like in a marriage etc.The level of trust depends on the level at which the relationship has reached if it is growing in depth and/or being nurtured.A wife can have no issue with her husband chatting to another women friend because of the kind of bond that links them.
Being male and reading your posts has given me a new insight into how girls view certain things about us like the casual way we might say regard another girl out of habit sub-consciously but how it translates to a very practical concern for the partner.I can say that the reverse is also true although we may react in another way.
The sensation of being Vulnerable is actually the act of placing oneself in the care of another completely almost without concern for ourselves and is only really possible when one has no motive other than to love the other.This does not occur even in the most symbiotic of relationships;the pairing of two people serves for each one to progress and develop.
Mistrust will erode a relationship into nothing at all.but there is a need for prioritizing ones effectiveness. If this does not happen one would have need for concern- the only way to test this is to be natural about it and stay true to oneself at the same time as showing care for the other even if one is worried for oneself.also at the outset of a relationship and during as well the lines must be clearly drawn as to what will be something which will cause a breakdown of things.If either of the partners does not respect this then the breakdown will manifest naturally instead of creeping in painfully.
not sure if I’m making sense but if it helps you to get another perspective I’m gladMarch 18, 2014 at 8:52 am #52977alexParticipant
Thanks Brooke! Yeah I know, I don’t accuse him. We’ve been together for 2 and a half years, and I had some bad jealousy issues in the beginning but I managed to shake them. I like him having girl friends, but he’s the kind of person that won’t just say “oh I’m talking to so and so, she’s my friend”. Instead he gets defensive and winds up saying he doesn’t talk to girls at all (which, come on, isn’t true). If my boyfriend is truly friends with a girl, I’m okay with it but I would at least like to know about it. There are boundaries, and he’s 23 years old, by now he should know what a friendship is and what’s crossing the line, so I shouldn’t worry about it.