PG,

I’m sorry for your suffering, dear friend, and can understand why relationships can be difficult, especially when our role models were a little funky. Or a lot funky. It can leave us with old baggage, habits that stick within us as we see a replay of old movies again and again. They can be overcome, and you already can see the repeating patterns, which is the trickiest part. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that some people are like your dad, throwing tantrums and beating up those weaker than themselves when they get unsettled. Bosses, parents, politicians… people in power sometimes dont use their strength well. That has nothing to do with us, except in our bruises and fears and so forth, the baggage we carry from being beaten on. Setting it down is a matter of patience and forgiveness. Sometimes we wish to hang onto resentment, blame them, fight fire with fire or whatnot, but those emotions are toxic, and unneeded. Like burning our hand on a hot stove, our heart hurts when we become or remain angry.

Instead, what we can do is look deep into our parents, see their imperfections as their own baggage. Consider for instance, how much fun a lot of dads have with their kids. Yours missed out on that,and instead was often agitated, angry, stompy, foolish. And, probably, because of some left over baggage he’s hauling from his own troubled childhood. Said differently, we can look at the people who are (were) abusive much like a being on horseback with little to no control over their reigns. So, they buck and kick and tread on others to their own unfortunate ruin and loss. But, its not realky about us. We are just one bruise on a long series of bruises they give and receive with their world, and thank goodness they came along to show us how not to be. At least we’ve got that… often our abusers don’t! Resting with this helps us detach, and simply work to regrow our side. People fail all the time, even parents, ok, fuck it, what do we do next?

We become the arms around us that we always wish we had. Said differently, we turn toward self nurturing. Consider that your heart has been hurt, dear friend, and needs some tender support to heal. That old pattern, the abuse and all its tendrils, pushes icky emotions into the body. Anger, resentment, greed, fear… all sorts of stuff that you can help yourself let go of. When we get upset, we have to embrace it, give it space to settle, spend some time breathing and letting it pass through us. We don’t wish to hang on to it, it hurts us, but we often don’t take the time to give ourselves the tender hugs we need. We needed them then, and didn’t get enough of them, and we need them now, and don’t give them to ourselves (and others) nearly enough.

Another way of looking at this is like clearing out your old house, so you can choose to decorate it with a fresh perspective. As we breathe, nurture, and let go of the painful thoughts and emotions, bring our mind into the present, breathe some more, etc… we open the space back up inside us, so we can grow what we want to. When we self nurture, such as getting in a bathtub with candles, going for walks alone in nature, appreciating art, listening to soft music, meditating, and so forth, we help our bodies make that space. It is easier to let go of anger, for instance, when we watch a beautiful sunset.

My favorite of these activities is metta meditation. Metta is the feeling of warm and loving friendship that seems to evaporate when a hiccup comes up in our relationships. It may seem like something is broken “out there”, but really, its just old thoughts and emotions have come up and snuffed out our light… the old movie playing again. When we sit and intentionally think friendly thoughts, hold friendly visions and so forth, our mind becomes smooth and peaceful, and we can just sort of ignore the triggers. Sort of like how stepping in a puddle in the summer is a little agitating, but easy enough to keep walking. When the warmth in us fades, its more like a wet foot in winter, demanding our immediate and critical attention. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.

Finally, I’m deeply sorry on behalf of all fathers for what happened to you. I’m an abuse survivor myself, and know how long those wounds can endure, and how they weaken us, absorb our strength as we hobble on. Have hope, however, because as we heal, all that strength we gained living with the pain becomes free to put to use for the benefit of ourselves and others. Then we become more free and light with each step! 🙂

Namaste, may your winter thaw into a rich and vibrant spring.

With warmth,
Matt

Wow, Matt gave some awesome insight. Compassion is key. I totally agree. I was in a similar boat as you and can honestly say that it takes time and conscious living. Experiences are an amazing thing. We bring to us the experience that we want to transcend. You are at a point of transformation, do not limit yourself by allowing the old patterns to continue. Just by noticing that you are not who you want to be is only the beginning.

here’s a challenge for you to take up, the next time you find yourself wanting to contribute or say something, do it with a conscious mind, observed all your thoughts and feelings and everything around you. Pay very close attention to how you are feeling when you speak something that is not your truth. It’s going to be so scary, I remember the first time I stood up for myself and it was the most terrifying thing I’ve ever done but I stayed in the moment and when I made “mistakes”, as I’m sure you will too, I didn’t beat myself up.

The trick to conscious living is breaking down your self-limiting boxes and be willing to accept all your actions. No one ever takes advantage of us unless we played a role in it. Being an enabler does not mean that we are a victim. You always have a choice, you can choose to do something that you feel is not right or you can choose not to do it, but never regret your decision, that’s the easiest way of knowing you made a decision that you didn’t agree with. Live who you want to be and not who others want you to be. Learn to love yourself and others will love you. There’s a great book called The Four Agreement by Don Miguel Ruiz. You will find this book very inspiring. It is a manual for conscious living and it really helped me put life into perspective and learn how to living consciously.

After you do some self work, come back and read Matt’s answer and it will suddenly start to click into place what he is talking about. Change comes in many forms, it is not about how fast it comes, but that change is in progress and you notice the slight variations to the experience because no two experience will ever be the same. Experiences teaches us about ourselves and if we are conscious of our actions, we can learn so much from our experiences.

Don’t compromise on your values but at the same do not be so strict that you cannot allow yourself to say no when you feel like it. I know how hard it can be to say no because we cannot allow ourselves to disappoint. It comes down to this, when you get to the root of the problem, YOU cannot allow yourself to say NO to your friends because YOU do not like it when YOUR FRIENDS tell you NO. It bothers you so much when your friends tell you no that every time they ask you something, you force yourself to say yes because if you say no, then you will feel like you are just like your friends and you let them down and you don’t want your friends to feel the same disappointment you felt. But it brings up all the past where they did disappoint you and BOOM you’re stuck in an endless loop where you cannot find your way out. Let it go, don’t hold on to ideals that are no longer working. We are humans, we all have our own personal issues and values, do not allow your values to run your life. Have values but do not be so unbending and inflexible that you end up breaking. Find your balance.