Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→How to be supportive without hurting yourself
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Dina.
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February 4, 2016 at 8:46 am #94946
DinaParticipantGood Morning Tiny Buddha Community 🙂
I had a rough night last night and needed somewhere to express myself. Not sure what I’m hoping to gain with this post just yet, but I’m sure I’ll have an idea by the time it ends.
I feel there needs to be a brief amount of background before I explain my night. For the purpose of understanding this story, I’d like to mention that both my father and my sister have an autoimmune disorder known as CFS, which basically means neither of them are able to work, and it makes day to day life a struggle. My dad was diagnosed at 50, and my sister at 33.
Over the last few months, my sister has been having a hard time for completely understandable reasons. She has a 1 year old and a 3 year old that she struggles to take care of. She was once a creative graphic designer but due to her illness she can no longer hold a job. Shes looking around her and watching her friends and family take care of their children and grow in the careers, take vacations, etc, and she feels so left out. To compensate, shes been baking.
My sister bakes beautiful things. Cookies and cakes and french macaroons like youve never seen. Theyre both delicious and some of the most beautiful works of art. I had a thought several days ago that she would benefit from selling her creations. Nothing big. No huge bakery to maintain. But maybe a few in the front of a cafe, or online. Something to give her purpose and make her feel better. When i brought up the idea she seemed excited, but overwhelmed. She doesnt have the business know-how, and talking to new people gives her anxiety (she has social). I felt so frustrated. I wanted to help her so badly and I couldnt figure out a way to do it that didnt seem to be immediately shot down. She told me she wants to wait for our mothers opinion, which made me feel even more upset. (I often feel that Im not taken seriously as the youngest of our family — nearly a decade younger than my sister).
I came home to talk to my boyfriend about it, and he tried to play devils advocate, which is an admirable quality, but just frustrated me even more. We ended up fighting because he felt attacked when his opinions irritated me. In the end we talked it out and everything is fine, but I find myself wondering if I am becoming too involved in the lives of others. I dont know how to be supportive without making the problems my own problems. Any ideas here?
Thank you in advance for any advice 🙂
February 4, 2016 at 9:14 am #94949
AnonymousGuestDear Dina:
I like the smiley faces you often use in your posts!
What was the nature of the devil advocacy your boyfriend played? What was the argument?
anita
February 4, 2016 at 9:17 am #94951DinaParticipantHe was telling me to try and understand her social anxiety and that he was concerned starting a business could overwhelm her anxiety — which is valid. i think i was just feeling defeated and I so badly wanted solutions. Does that make sense?
As for the smilies – thanks 🙂 haha
February 4, 2016 at 9:56 am #94954AnonymousGuestDear Dina:
Yes, it does make sense to me. I learned that the best way I can help another who is NOT asking me for advice or help, is to … not offer advice or help and instead be a safe place for him or her to just be themselves, to feel and express their authentic feelings and their thoughts, while I listen with empathy and respect, mirror, maybe what they say, making them know that indeed I listen, care and in repeating what they say, they get to correct anything that I misunderstood and elaborate more.
anita
February 4, 2016 at 9:57 am #94955DinaParticipanti guess the question here more is about how i can be supportive of my sister?
as always, thanks for the input 🙂
February 4, 2016 at 10:08 am #94963AnonymousGuestDear Dina:
I think that you can be supportive of your sister in several ways:
You can ask her: “How can I help you?” And hear what her answer is. You can offer help with her children if you are able and willing, to the degree you are able and if she needs this kind of help.
If she asks you for advice, give her your input (I really enjoyed reading your comments on the forum here. As I told you, most often I don’t read others’ comments because I am too busy with the original posters’ writing, but I happened to read your first comments and find that you have the natural skill and talent, it seems to me, to be helpful, to point to the positive, uplifting and I am genuinely impressed!…. interestingly enough, as helpful as I may be to some here, my own sister does not seek my input on anything at all…)
If she does not ask your input, simply be a safe place for her to express herself. If she feels safe with you, she is likely to come up with ideas herself as she talks to you and as you mirror to her what she said to you.
What do you think?
anita
February 4, 2016 at 10:15 am #94965DinaParticipantI like the idea 🙂 It’s funny, I’m such an open book. I have no problem talking to complete strangers and discussing difficult things in my life. My siblings, on the other hand, both seem to struggle with social anxiety and rarely like to open up about their emotions. My sister has told me she only tells me things because I bug her until she opens up, but ultimately it seems to be a good outlet. I dont want to hound her. But I also am worried that if I dont she will be alone in her head. I want her to have someone to turn to, you know?
February 4, 2016 at 10:15 am #94966DinaParticipantAnd thanks for the kind comments 🙂 Always nice to know my input is appreciated
February 4, 2016 at 10:17 am #94967
AislynnParticipantDina,
It is great that you are trying to help your sister. I’m sure that after seeing her struggle you just want her to feel happy.
I think your idea about the cafe is wonderful. Your sister seemed to like it as well. However, it is not something that can be decided and acted upon so quickly. There are many things she would have to do and as you said, her anxiety plays a role in it all. She would have to talk to cafe owners, make sure that everything is done legally, etc. That’s a lot of people to talk to.
Also, perhaps she wants to talk to your mother because she might need help doing some of the things. For example, who would help her on days in which she is not feeling well? There are many questions that might have been going through her head and sometimes you just need someone else to bounce ideas off of.
In regards to your question, be supportive of her by acknowledging her ideas, thoughts, and concerns. Sometimes there is nothing we can do to help, but simply listening is of great help. Now, when she does need help, then provide it for her if you can. Be there to encourage her.
As someone with social anxiety and general anxiety, it is hard for me to do things in a different way. I do them the same way I always have because they bring me results. Change scares me. So really, let her come up with her own ideas.
I know that sometimes we can’t help but feel rejected when our ideas our not taken seriously, but perhaps it is because they see issues with the idea that we overlooked.
February 4, 2016 at 10:22 am #94968DinaParticipantThanks Aislynn 🙂 That was very helpful to read.
Although I have anxiety, I have never struggled with social anxiety, so I have a very hard time relating to it. Reading other posts about how social anxiety can make someone feel really helps me to see a new perspective. I really appreciate it!
I think youre right about my mom. The biggest issue here on my end is that I live 6 hours away, so other than doing research and helping with legal things online, theres not much I can do. If I lived closer I would have taken her baked goods to cafes myself and helped with the social aspect of it. It would make sense that my mom could help as she is significantly closer in proximity than I am.
February 4, 2016 at 10:27 am #94969AnonymousGuestDear Dina:
My home life was a war zone as I experienced it, so I don’t turn to my sister for help and she doesn’t turn to me. My pattern with her was to pretend I am doing well… pretend. These early patterns were born very early in my life and in hers in the circumstances then. these patterns are strong… I wonder what your early home life was like, for you, for your sister… this is my curiosity, no need to answer me. Only if it may be helpful to you.
The best you can offer anyone, the first and foremost and necessary thing you can offer anyone at all, is safety in relationship with you. Safety… and if there were patterns in your early home life, such as not reaching to each other for support, you can change those by open communication, saying something like: this is how it has been for me, and this is how I want to change things.. and make the change yourself, share or ask for support if you didn’t do it in the past.
When you suggest to your sister to sell her baked goods, I can see how that would spike her anxiety, and you saw it yourself, so you learn not to do that, that a suggestion like that worked to spike her anxiety, so you learn what works and what doesn’t work.
anita
February 4, 2016 at 10:31 am #94971DinaParticipantThat makes sense.
Because I am so much younger than my sister, our relationship didnt really start to blossom until recently. When she was 18 I was 8, so I more looked up to her instead of looking to her as an equal and someone I could talk to on an equal level.
We had our struggles in my house having a sick father. Having a sick person living with you is hard in ways I could not even begin to explain, and it definitely takes a toll on everyone.
I think that is why this is such a struggle for me. My dad, one of the strongest people I know, was so closely defeated by this disease. He once told me he was suicidal. I dont want my sister to get to that point. It terrifies me.
My dad once asked me what he had to live for. It’s such a scary question to hear from someone you respect and admire so greatly.
My sister and I are now closer. My parents have become shells of who they once were. They still run around trying to be there for all of us, but after years of being sick and years of taking care of someone whos sick, you change. They are not the same. So my siblings and I now turn to each other for support.
February 4, 2016 at 10:45 am #94973AnonymousGuestDear Dina:
Since I read most or all of your comments, I noticed you shared that both of your parents are doctors, medical doctors, I presume? I am still curious (and if I was a cat, that curiosity would have killed me by now… a joke). The symptoms of the auto immune disease, what are they? when did it start for your father (before he was diagnosed at 50). What are the causes of this sickness. I also remember reading that none of your parents believe in psychiatrists: why is that? What are their beliefs about mental vs physical origination of illnesses?
Again, you have the right- as anyone here- to remain silent…(joke, the similey face would fit here, but I leave it to you as your logo)
anita
February 4, 2016 at 10:53 am #94976DinaParticipantCFS — Chronic fatigue Syndrome. It wasnt believed as real until relatively recently because the symptoms cannnot be seen (no big red marks etc). My father tried all sorts of trial medications for it and has become a sort of expert on the disease.
He explains it as having the flu every day of your life. You feel terrible, and you feel worse traveling, working out, getting emotional.
I have another friend who has it and she explains it this was: having CFS is like waking up every day with 12 spoons. Every activity you do costs a spoon and once you run out, youre done for the day. Example: Getting out of bed costs 1 spoon. Brushing your teeth costs 1. Showering costs 2. Getting dressed costs 2. Walking down the stairs costs 5. Eating breakfast costs 1. Now youre in bed until tomorrow.
The worst part about the disease is that because you cant see whats going on internally, many people dont believe it exists.
Parents done believe in psychiatry because of the nature of their professions. Its kind of a common thing — surgeons dont believe in psychiatry because its not an exact science with tangible proof (which is kind of ironic given my explanation of cfs).
I think seeing me and my sister suffer through anxiety and depression have helped to change their perspectives a bit.
February 4, 2016 at 11:02 am #94978AnonymousGuestDear Dina:
I believe in a very, very strong connection between the mental and the physical. As a matter of fact, there is no such thing as non-physical. Every thought we have, every emotion is a result of a physical process in the brain and the rest of the body. Just as even though we don’t see air, it still exists and is very much a physical thing.
Anxiety, excess, ongoing fear is very taxing, draining. I am only recently feeling more energy while in the past I was so very fatigued. Only recently, with the healing of late, am I less fatigued.
I see anxiety as the origin of most mental disorders and many physical illnesses, again, the two are not separate.
Did your father or your mother ever addressed their anxiety, the kind that may have preceded his CFS?
anita
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