Dear Dee:

Having re-read your previous thread about the same relationship, I can see that the key word in the title of your thread is to confront (“How to confront unwanted boyfriend”).

In September you shared that you (22) dated a man (25). You shared that you were “not very attracted to him.. not sexually compatible”, that he “sweats a lot and sleeps loud”, that he didn’t have a car and there were “so many minor.. or not minor.. things that bother (you) about him”, that you want “to end it, or change the overall circumstances to something (you’re) comfortable with” because you are unhappy, and you don’t feel like yourself, and you “feel like a mess”.

Problem was that initiating a talk with him about how unhappy you were in the relationship made you feel like a bad person (“I don’t know how to have a conversation with him about my feelings without feeling like the devil… I don’t want to be the bad guy“). So, you didn’t tell him, and acted as if nothing was wrong (“I act as if nothing is wrong for me”). The results : (a) “We get along really well, I haven’t had a single argument.. my boyfriend thinks there really isn’t anything/ we’ll be together forever”, (b) you were miserable, wanting out.

Because you couldn’t tell him you were miserable, you wished that he will notice that you were miserable and ask you if you were miserable. If he asked you, then you would tell him (“I so badly wish he could see it and come to me asking if I really want a future with him”, “I am very willing to share my feelings, thoughts, and experiences of all  kinds with anyone, it’s just  easier to do so if someone asks me things”).

You didn’t tell him that you were miserable, and he didn’t ask- so you figured if there is an indirect way to end the relationship: “Do I just distance myself and hope he catches the vibe?.. Start being awful and undesirable?”

You wanted out but you were afraid to confront him: “I just want out.. I don’t want more so actually in fear of the immediate response he will have.. I am terrified of the confrontation“.

Otherwise, you shared that when you were a kid, you were “about the easiest kid ever to have”, not wanting your parents to worry about you, and that when not in a relationship, you were a “no bad days, always smile on face” kind of girl. Even when you did have bad days, you trained yourself to think of those as good days: “I do have my own bad days.. I just don’t care to think of it as a bad day because I have trained myself to have this ridiculously positive outlook on life”. You also shared: “I just really don’t want my preferences to inconvenience anyone else”, and “I don’t know how to act as if anything IS wrong because the problem is completely mine!”

Now, let’s look at what you shared two months later, in your current thread: “I did end the relationship due to him confronting me first about how I’m feeling, because he was in fact catching onto my vibes of being unhappy and not really being into it”, but as I read on, I realized you didn’t really end the relationship: you told him that you are “interested in a way more casual relationship with no titles”. He later asked you what you meant by “casual”. Knowing that “his only big concern” regarding casual was that you may be seeing other men, you told him that “it’s not about being able to see other people”. You later clarified to him that casual means that you will “do pretty much whatever (you) want but still give him attention” when you feel like it, “until he decides that this is not enough for him”. You then proceeded to “give him more attention that (you) had originally planned”, not being consistent about talking to him and seeing him only when you feel like it, and the relationship continues (“we have been in this relationship on my terms for 2 months”).

“I want him to end this.. I’m ready to end it once again and don’t want to wait for him to confront me first.. I want to do the right thing and end this for good so badly”.

Taking all of this into consideration, this is my input today:

1. The easy part: yes, you should end this relationship as soon as possible (ASAP), preferably today. It is enough of a valid reason that you, at 22, are not sexually attracted to him. There is no valid reason for you to endure having sex with a man you find undesirable, nor is there a valid reason for you to spend any time with a man you don’t like or want to be with.

2. The difficult part: you will need to end this relationship completely, as in to follow the breakup with No Contact/ blocking his access to you by phone, email and social media. The reason for the no-contact is that you are inclined to compromise so much that if you keep any contact with him (as a friend or an acquaintance, no matter the title), you are likely to continue the relationship which makes you so unhappy.

3. As I see it, I don’t think that you are currently able to adequately confront him and end it with him completely (#1 and 2 above)- you are just too afraid to initiate and have this confrontation. It will take a long time for you to make yourself able to carry on such a conversation (attending psychotherapy). But you need to break up with him ASAP- therefore, I suggest that you involve a third party to talk to him (gently and respectfully) and let him know that it is over, to be followed by No Contact.

Your fear of confronting him is so intense, that you are like a scared child, scared of.. let’s say walking across a bridge. That child needs an adult to hold her hand and walk together slowly across that bridge. Figuratively, the bridge you need to cross is one that will lead you from this relationship (meaning having any contact with this man)===> freedom (having no contact with him).

After a third party, ends (for you) all contact with him- then you will need psychotherapy so to address and .. confront your fear of confronting other people, so that you will be able to function better in life, inside relationships and outside of relationships. You can’t lead a healthy life without the ability to assert yourself directly: you can’t get what you need in life by not saying what’s wrong, hoping people will notice there’s something wrong and ask you questions, and then figure out what you need and do right by you.

In the future, there will be other young men interested in you and you will need to say No, and keep saying No. What kind of life will it be for you, if you mean No and say Yes, and then  hope that they will not want you anymore.

Sometime along your childhood, you trained yourself to act as if there is nothing wrong, not confronting your own feelings or the people around you. You trained yourself to just feel nothing (“I don’t like to dwell on negative feelings so I just feel nothing”) when something was wrong, to  not “inconvenience anyone else” with any problem or problematic/ negative feeling that you have. Somehow, you learned that when you feel that something is wrong- you better keep it to yourself and keep it outside your awareness best you can, acting as if there is nothing wrong.  This learning and training will need to change, and the place to change that is in quality psychotherapy.

anita

Dear Dee:

How about making it easier on yourself and break up with him not in-person, but in a thoughtful, respectful, kind email message, in which you will explain why you have to do it via email and not in-person?

If you decide to go that route, I can help you with the message.

anita

Dear Dee:

C o n g r a t u l a t i o n s- for breaking up with your “unwanted boyfriend”, the boyfriend you did not want. You did the right thing for yourself and for him.

“I feel as though I truly hurt and damaged his heart”- his heart might hurt, but you did not damage him by breaking up with him. You did right by him when you to broke up with him kindly and respectfully. Keep it this way (don’t go back).

You are welcome, thank you for expressing your appreciation, and I will not be mad if you post about future relationship troubles (with someone new!)- no worries at all. Post again anytime you need to, and I will be glad to read from you and reply.

anita