I’ve been going through a dilemma since March. In my previous topics, it’s been about the same guy (my best friend) and so is this one instead it’s more of my emotions and learning to cope with them and let go.

I went on a date with a new guy over the weekend (I’ll call him Mike). I really got along with Mike, we broke night and had deep conversations. We also had sex, which I’m not ashamed about nor do I regret it but after Mike left I broke down in tears. I immediately called my best friend (I’ll call him Adam). (For those who haven’t read my previous topics, I fell in love with my best friend after we became friends. Best friends for a year, fell in love with him this March. He’s not ready for a relationship due to him trying to heal from his previous relationship but we’ve been having this explainable romance with each other since March. We have sex, we have feelings but he’s made it clear that he wants me to be happy.)

Going back to that morning, I called Adam crying explaining how hard it is to replace him. I wasn’t only crying because I kept comparing the two but also because I was scared to feel something for someone else. I felt like I was betraying Adam or cheating on him even though I know I’m not because I’m single and Adam doesn’t want a relationship. He insisted on telling me I shouldn’t feel this way and I know myself that it’s unhealthy to but it’s hard to train my mind into feeling okay on speaking and feeling emotions for other people.

There are certain things about Mike I don’t like but overall I did feel a connection with him. I was honest with Mike as well in letting him know my dilemma with my best friend Adam and also that I’m not ready to commit. The only person I want to commit to is Adam but he’s emotionally unavailable and I understand and respect that but the same way Adam is avoiding relationships to heal from his ex, is how I feel to heal from him.

Fast forward to last night, I went to the movies and Adam texted me asking what time I would be home, how he might stay over. (One of my biggest pet peeves with Adam is when I hate that he says he might come over and ends up not doing so and he knows I can’t stand that.) After the movie was done, I still hadn’t heard from him. I texted him again and he said he was out with his co worker who he’s been messing around with. I could feel my heart breaking last night. One because he did something that is one of biggest pet peeves and two because I feel like he ditched me for her.

To sum up my story, this dilemma has been going on since March. One minute I feel detached from Adam and okay with whatever the future holds. Just Monday I was with him and every time I’m with him I strongly feel in my heart he is my soulmate. I feel like we belong together, maybe not now but in the future because we are extremely compatible. We have had numerous talks where we would agree to stop having sex but we are so attached and attracted to one another, it never lasts. The last talk we had, he did confess he has feelings for me and he is attached to me but he is still in love with his ex and needs to figure his life out right now. Again I am not forcing a relationship on him, but it hurts trying to control my emotions for him every time he hangs with a girl. I always end up feeling stupid and mad at myself. He’s confessed to me he does feel like me and him could possibly end up together in the future because he feels like we are extremely compatible. If his situation was not occurring rn and he was emotionally available, we would make a power couple.

My point is right now I am stuck. I am hurting and I am scared to move on. Maybe I need to just be alone for a while? I don’t know but I also feel like I subconsciously need to compete with Adam since he’s talking to other girls with no commitment. Every person I talk to or hang with, none of them compare to him. I feel like I’ll never find someone like him and his ex says the same thing to him. I feel like I’ve been destroying myself but he is my best friend. If I lose him, idk what I would do. He has impacted my life tremendously. Despite his situation, he is an amazing soul. I’ve never been so honest nor have I ever trusted someone so much in my life until I met him. I’m 26 btw, he’s 28. I feel stuck. I feel lost. I want to learn how to cope with my emotions, my jealousy, everything. Yesterday knowing he was with a girl, I know it was nothing serious because that’s not what he wants but it literally broke my heart. Whatever is left remaining of my heart because it’s been breaking since March every time a girl is in the picture. I need to let go of this romantic partner I’ve painted him as. I can’t see him as a friend right now and it’s destroying my sanity, my peace, my emotions and heart.