My ex-boyfriend is a rather controlling and manipulative person. I did not see this side of him when we were in the initial stages of love and courtship, but as time went on, it became apparent to me that he feels a desire for things to be the way he thinks they should be, at all times. It has been a difficult relationship to experience as he was rarely overtly controlling. By this I mean he never demanded I do this, or do that, but it was typically more trying to control the way I thought or felt about things. Through therapy, I learned to recognize his behaviors as controlling – for example if I was ever feeling bad about an interaction between the two of us, I would share those feelings with him and he would immediately “explain” his side of the story and tell me why I wouldn’t feel the way I feel if I truly understood his motivations and what he really meant when he did what he did, etc. He told me he was “desperate” for me to not feel bad, so he would try to explain why my feelings were based on inaccurate assumptions or beliefs. Over time, this made me feel completely invalidated, that my feelings weren’t “real” or I was some kind of dolt who just didn’t “get it”. To him, I had nothing to be upset about and in fact many times he turned the table on me and made himself the victim – how come I don’t recognize what a loving, loyal, sensitive, caring person he is who would never do anything to cause me distress? Apologies from him were rare, and typically of the “I’m sorry you believe X and as a result you feel Y” variety, versus what I consider a true apology, taking accountability: “I’m sorry I did/said Z.”

Anyhow, I finally found the strength to leave the relationship, although now I am emotionally bereft at times and in turmoil at others. It’s been two months since the breakup, though we have been in regular communication via email and text. Just last night, he texted me to say he thinks we should exchange our things. I have a few bags of his personal items and clothes at my house and he has some lawn care equipment of mine at his house. Because of the increasing level of verbal nastiness, yelling and manipulation toward the end of our relationship and because of a betrayal I still feel very raw and deeply, I do not feel comfortable seeing him. Unfortunately, one of the items of his at my house is a bed which will require a truck to transport and is not something I can simply drop off at a neutral location in my compact car. I do not have a truck so I told my ex I would ask my friend Jason for help and maybe he could drop the bed off at my ex’s house. My ex’s response was that he didn’t want Jason “involved in our issues”. I told him it was a practical matter and that I would feel more comfortable having a friend help me out. He responded that I should just leave my house for an hour and let him (the ex) come by and get the bed and other things and not to make it “complicated”. I asked him what the big deal in having a friend (whom my ex knows very well, we spent loads of time together as couples) help out if it would make me feel better and he said it’s because it makes him feel like a “monster” that I need a “guardian” in order to face him and that he doesn’t want anybody else involved. He said that he was “good enough” to have the bed at my house in the first place and thus he was “good enough” to be able to come by and get it. That he wasn’t going to ransack my house, the home that he spent many days and nights in over the years (though we never officially moved in together). We reached an impasse and I gave up communicating with him on it at this time.

I am very frustrated because I feel he is not respecting my boundaries. I did not suggest asking Jason for help to hurt my ex, I did it to soothe my feelings and have someone I care for there in what is a very vulnerable time for me. My ex made it about his feelings. While I can respect how it makes him feel, I don’t believe that I should do something I am not comfortable with – leave my home, my sanctuary, and have my former partner there unaccompanied taking his things. I have no trust left and although I do not believe he would do anything malicious per se, it’s just a comfort level thing and I don’t want to make myself vulnerable in that way. Home has been my place of comfort over these last two months and it is mine. It’s not open to him anymore.

From a practical standpoint, I just don’t know what to do. I suppose I could “trick” my ex and tell him to come on over and have Jason waiting at the house when he gets there, but I don’t want to cause unnecessary turmoil because I know my ex will not respond well and in fact he may not even come inside if he sees Jason’s truck in my driveway. But at the same time I don’t think I should have to sacrifice my need for safety and security (both physical and emotional) by having him come into my home with me being either absent or there alone. I’m also angry that I even have to think about this stuff – it’s my house and my friends and I don’t need his permission! It’s exhausting.

How do you deal with controllling people and manage not to get hurt in the process? In this particular case, once the items are exchanged, I can take more steps to move on from the relationship, but I feel this is something I will encounter again as I have had partners with similar behaviors in the past as well.