Matt, I have been dealing with similar-ish issues with my father and your advice is so beautifully written and really touched me. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

They come from your body’s strong and vibrant heart that is being held shut by your mind screaming at it “it is not safe to love my daddy”… and yet your heart refuses to stop. And, that’s a good thing. Its OK to love him…”

I thought this was a great insight. I had never thought of it that way. Lately I have been experiencing this sadness and don’t really know what to do with it. I don’t even know why exactly I am sad. I have some vague ideas that it comes from loss or guilt or wishing but perhaps it IS my heart that is yearning to love how I know, deep down, that I can love. I sometimes just feel like crying but I think I’m still afraid to really let go and feel all that I’m feeling. I fear that I will explode with uncontrollable tears.

“The good news is that even though you may wish to receive it, the sorrow arises only from the wish to give it, and as we heal and learn to let our own love blossom, we find freedom and peace.”

Could you explain this further? I feel like I need a breakthrough or maybe it is time to allow myself to explode. Any other tips, Matt? Your words are so eloquently chosen and expressed. Namaste.

Priscilla,

Thank you so much for opening up and sharing more of your story with us. I’m so sorry for the abuse you went through, and your anger and confusion is understandable. I’m impressed with your strength, and how directly you are able to look at all of it. Don’t despair, gentle one, there is always a path toward joy. Said differently, there is always a way in which we can let go of the past so we can be happy here and now. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

The experiences you went through were painful. Let’s face it, what happened to you was bullshit. You didn’t deserve that kind of treatment, and what he did was wrong. His issues caused him to lash out in terrible ways, and left you with some wounds and scars that remain painful to this day. The worst is perhaps the injustice of it all, how little girls want to be seen as a princess, and there you were being treated like a demoness. Even with the incredible accomplishments and grades, did his view of you change? Nope. What the hell! How is that fair?

It wasn’t fair. What he did was dumb, ignorant and unskillful, and it left an imbalance. Said differently, as you went through countless moments where it was not safe for you (and the extra knife jab of your brother not being assaulted… grrrr!) in order to survive it, you surpressed a lot of emotions and thoughts. Thoughts like “don’t treat me like this” “just love me” “you’re a fucking asshole” “why can’t you just be kind” “don’t you care about me” “stop. Stop!” and so on. Maybe you did express some of them, and it only made it worse. So instead they were suppressed. The anger, the frustration of the injustice, the yearning, the hope… all compressed into little nuggets and stuffed down deep.

From a different angle, perhaps you understand the brain enough to relate to what is present without subjective contextual aim. The brain stores data in a web of associations, both in anaylitical and emotional forms. Right now, where “father” interweaves in that web is a ton of anger and despair. It gets plucked, and the associations fire off and make your body react. Much like Pavlov’s experiment, where a bell would be rung alongside meat powder, and eventually the association would form so the dog’s body would respond to the bell as if the meat powder was present even when it wasn’t. For us, its a little more complex, but is approximately the same. Even when your dad isn’t there to abuse or control you, if the web gets struck by an image or memory, it can produce the same associated emotions.

Biologically, compassion is the solution the web. Compassion arises when we give the space for things to be what they really are, and let our body take in the truth. We have to pass through the veil of anger first, however, and that can be tricky. Emotional suppression is like those cartoons where an enormous amount of stuff is crammed into a closet, and when someone comes along and opens the door, all the stuff explodes out into the room. Perhaps you have so much anger that for years and years you had to choke down or it would be worse. Now, though, your environment is safe. You have grown a little garden, and even though you’re scared you’re going to burn it, its OK for your emotions to come out. A zen catharsis trick is something I’ve found to be helpful in ridding my body of corrosive emotions like anger. When I felt my anger arising from the abuse I experienced as a child (physical, emotional and sexual abuses) I would follow the zen advice and scream, beat my hands onto pillows, swear and flail. Just get it out! The anger empties, the closet loses its pressure, and then the ideas can be approached with patience, and we can sort out the mess.

Consider that a healthy person doesn’t abuse others. I wonder what terrible things your dad went through to create such pattern in him. In the hospital bed, when he was raw and weak, the little kid in him came to the surface and wept from some simple comforting. Much like you weep when you see some simple television images. Of course, as soon as his body and mind regained strength he was back to his old games. They may fool others, but they won’t fool me. There’s a sad and lost kid inside there, buried deep under layers of suppression and years of being abused. Said differently, I wonder how terrible his journey was that it twisted him into such a being. Resting in that curiosity can release a lot of that inner conflict, because then you can begin to see how much stronger you are than him, and how here and now you are working the righteous work of settling the abuse that has been passed down from our ancestors and their ignorance of how to find balance and joy.

With warmth,
Matt