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How to deal with relationship uncertainty?

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  • #72308
    Dinosaur
    Participant

    My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and a half. We are both in our mid-30’s, and for the first time ever in a relationship, I thought that he was my forever. We would joyfully talk about how we first met, we would lovingly make plans for our future, we would discuss the breed and name of our future adopted rescue dog, and he would call me his future fiancé and I would call him mine. It has not been a perfect relationship as we have survived our share of storms. But, we were wrapped in love and the thought that our imperfections made us beautiful.

    Or so I thought.

    About a month ago, he slowly started to distance himself. I thought he need more space because of a very important work project that could make or break his career. Then one night only a few weeks ago, he told me he didn’t know if his future happiness included me, he didn’t know if he loved me anymore, and he felt that there could be something missing from our relationship. I was devastated, I was blindsided. What happened to our beautiful love? I wanted to scream, I wanted to shove my hands into him and make him feel the depths of the pain I was feeling, and I wanted him to still love me. How does someone stop loving you so suddenly?

    Then a few days later, he told me he was sorry that he forgot that he loved me and we were worth fighting for, but he still didn’t know about our future. I was numb and tired, and I just wanted to be wrapped in our love again; so, I said, “yes, let’s fight.” I gave him terms to our fight – counselors, dates, and “us” time.

    We are trying.

    Every fiber in my body wants us to work. He tells me that he loves, we have passionate sex, and he gives me the biggest, fullest hugs. He says that we need to build back up to the marriage point, but he isn’t sure that means or how long it will take. And, he still isn’t sure what that something is.

    I am having a hard time understanding or believing what is real. He loved me like that before, and then he stopped loving me. Is he on the cusp of not loving me again? Is he really trying? How do you trust again?

    To complicate matters, he may be moving across the country for work in 5 weeks, and there is a piece of me, the piece that houses these beast in my head and second guesses everything that we say or do, fears that I am/will be just his glorified security blanket until he feels comfortable in this new city and new life.

    I love this man. I want this to make us stronger. Can it? How do you accept and give love fully, honestly, and fearlessly while preparing to let go? How do you know if you have the strength to do so? How do you deal with this uncertainty? What should I do?

    #72338
    Boo
    Participant

    Hi Dinosaur,

    Your post really stood out to me and so I thought I would reply and try and give you my input/advice.

    I hope it helps:)

    It seems to me that the fact your boyfriend is moving away for work in 5 weeks, might be the reason you two are experiencing what you are experiencing now. He is probably wondering if you guys have what it takes to last the physical distance his move would create between you or if he would want you to move with him.

    A life move like that could just honestly be making him think about his life. What he wants. Who he wants.

    Sadly you do have to be open to the possibility this may not include you. I’m sorry. I know how hard that is to take and accept.

    The one thing I think it would be great for you to accept is that no matter how much you love this man, he will need to do what is best for him. As you also need to do. Take some time to thing about how you feel. How do you feel that he is moving across the country? How do you feel now that he is having a “wobble” and you are not.

    I hate to say it but time apart a “break” may help you both see what it is you truly want.

    #72346
    pink24
    Participant

    Hi Dinosaur,

    I was once in a similar situation, and the thing is, and this may be hard to see because you’re ‘in it’–do you really want to be with someone who isn’t sure about you? I know that he is the one who may be going away for a few weeks, potentially leaving you with what may be a broken relationship, but the thing is this is YOUR life, not his. And you need someone who is sure, right? If he’s going away on business and doesn’t want to be in the relationship–let him. If it’s meant to be (I know, super cheeze) he’ll come back to you. But please don’t feel that his insecurities have anything to do with you. He’s a whole other person, you know? He’s got his own issues I’m sure.

    And seriously, if a five week business trip is all that it takes for him to question the relationship, all that means is that he doesn’t want to be expected to make the effort to keep the relationship going during this time—and THAT is so not something you want. You deserve better.

    Good luck 🙂
    Pink

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by pink24.
    #72356
    smit
    Participant

    Dear Dinosaur,

    M really sorry that u r going thru such a painful situation.

    I think that the sudden change in love towards u by ur BF is coz of a new person in his life (I sincerely hope m wrong). Sudden change in love towrds u and slogan of “not sure” made me conclude that. The only solution can come is via honest talks. That can come thru counseling which I hope u both are having.

    I hope this works out between u two.

    Love

    Smit

    #72362
    DW2BIPA
    Participant

    @dinosaurcharlie:
    I have been in this similar situation. Its been 5 months since my heart was broken into a million pieces. He said the same thing to me. He stopped loving me but he doesn’t know when. After 4 years together, I was heartbroken to say the least. I asked him why. I cried a painful cry to him where I was unable to breathe (I haven’t cried like that ever) but he didn’t have an answer. I begged him to talk about his feelings and when he feelings altered for me, and all he could say was “I don’t know.” Despite what he said, I wanted it to work. I promised I would try to make everything right. I would be the perfect partner but he made it clear that he didn’t love anymore. For months I have been trying to figure out what happened between us. He was my soul-mate, my everything. He was what I thought about when I woke up and thought about when I went to sleep. However, in those 5 painful months, I have come to realize that the relationship wouldn’t have lasted. The relationship would have been toxic for the both of us. Breaking up was for the best. I don’t want to be insecure, I don’t want to have to change to a point that I lose myself just because I am afraid he will leave me again. I know I have to focus on me now and my future. I have never felt this sense of relief since the breakup and I am so grateful for this site. Don’t get me wrong, I still have to work on myself. The pain is still there, but I am learning to let go. So I advise you to do the same. Put yourself first. He is clearly putting himself first. Do what is best for you and not him. I hope it helps.

    #72408
    Dinosaur
    Participant

    Thank you so much for your posts. Everyday I feel a little stronger. I am not naturally an insecure person; I know I have a great life filled with so much to be grateful for, but this event pulled the rug out from under me and I no longer trusted what I was seeing or hearing. I am still not sure I believe him when says he loves me. I am not sure how to get around that, but your words have helped to pick up my spirits and remind me what I must carry. I have been re-reading them through the day, and I am so thankful for your words. Thank you.

    #72410
    Ashley Arcel
    Participant

    Hi Dinosaurcharlie,

    First of all – oof…what a blow to the heart. It’s tough to embed a portion of your happiness in trusting someone only to have them sort of yank the rug out from under you. The bottom line is that it will either work or it wont and only 50% of it is up to you. Do the work you feel compelled to do to fight for your relationship, by all means, but also be aware that it may not be the right time for him. You can be beautiful, loving, expansive, generous and patient and, regardless of what he chooses to do in the end, you will be better for your efforts.

    If there’s anything I’ve learned in my life it is that we cannot force other people to be where we are. We cannot force other people into the relationships we believe they are capable of having.

    If I may recommend some reading…go find “This is Not the Story you Think it is: A season of unlikely happiness”. My dear friend Laura wrote this book about a very similar period of uncertainty in her marriage (Husband of 20+ years comes home one day and tells her he doesn’t love her anymore) and how she learned to cope with it by creating beauty, caring for herself and trying her best to detach from the outcome.

    All my best to you, friend. Please keep us posted.

    Ashley

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