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  • #116162
    Kathryn
    Participant

    I have been with my partner for 4 years now and he has been in jail for all of our realationship i meet him only 2 weeks before he went inside so i didnt really no him at all in the beggining i had cheated on him and later confessed which was 3 years ago but he refuses to let it go we have b broken up many of times as i left because i was always second guessing what it is i really want he is getting deported back to our home country, he doesnt trust me, we are always fighting i have no freedom it is my sisters wedding in bali in October and he says if i go he will leave me and that no women should go off while her man in is jail and now i dont really no what to do i love him so much he is so loyal and i no i will never meet anyone like him but there are also things i want to do in my life im at a major crossroad and if i leave im scared i will regret it but if i stay im scared i will also regret that to! Someone please help me as i dont no what to do

    #116163
    anita
    Participant

    Dear trulatique:

    It is interesting that he is in jail and you are the one who is not free (you wrote: ” i have no freedom”)

    If you have a good relationship with your sister, you should attend her wedding. It is wrong of your boyfriend to disallow you to attend her wedding.

    If you’d like to share more, about what is your boyfriend in jail for, for how much longer, why are you in a relationship with a man in jail.. and (depending on the country and jail policy) does he get vacations from jail where the two of you spend time together physically? Or do you spend time together alone in jail with him in couple quarters there?

    anita

    #116165
    Kathryn
    Participant

    He is in jail for fighting another man, he does have a very bad temper, he is in jail in sydney nsw and i live in Melbourne so i travel to sydney every second weekend to go and see him on a sunday we get a all day visit but you are only allowed to hold hands and the occasional kiss, i havent spend a life with him on the outside and he is getting deported back to new Zealand september 2017 where we are both from he always tells me he can’t give me much while he is in there except his heart and when he gets out he promises he will change his life around and to his best for me there is so much i want to do but at the same time i really do love him and i no when someone is genuine or not i dont want to leave and then regret it later he has no one but me and if i leave again this time i no i will have lost him forever he does deserve a chance and all he wants is for someone to help him and to love him but how do i no what to do, do i guve us a chance so i will really no, or do i just leave him behind and carry on with my life but with the risk of regretting not giving him or our love a chance i am 27 years old he is 28 so we arent getting any younger

    #116166
    Kathryn
    Participant

    I am in a relationship with him because i love him we he went i had no feelings for him but over time our connection grew and over time i fell in love with him i just hooe the man he says he is in there is the person he truly will be on the outside i feel like if i go home and give us a chance and if it doesn’t work out then i will have peace of mind by really knowing for myself but if i leave and i dont i will always regret it and think what if this or what if that im to soft and i care for him so much he means alot to me but im always confused and upset because this all hasnt been easy and he always says i have to prove myself because i cheated when we first meet

    #116194
    anita
    Participant

    Dear trulatique:

    One never knows what will happen. You cannot possibly know for sure what will happen when he gets out of jail and the two of you are free to get together and maybe live together. But you can make an educated guess how it will be; you can make reasonable assumptions based on your observations so far.

    1. He has a very bad temper, you wrote: his bad temper is not likely to disappear once he is out of jail.

    2. He told you that you have to prove yourself to him because you cheated on him once at the beginning of the relationship (while he was- and still is since- in jail). He is likely to continue to point the finger of blame at you, to hold that cheating against you again and again… and again. No matter what you do and how hard you try, you are likely to be forever- guilty in his mind and be reminded of it… again and again and yet again.

    3. You wrote: “he always tells me he can’t give me much while he is in there except his heart..” He can give you something else: the freedom to attend your sister’s wedding (the freedom you have and do not require him giving it to you), forgiveness for having cheated on him long ago, peace (not the fighting with you that has been going on).

    So when you added: “…and when he gets out he promises he will change his life around and to his best for me”- he can do what is best for you now (the freedom, forgiveness and peace I just mentioned), so I am guessing he is likely to continue NOT doing what is best for you.

    —— and so, you can make educated and reasonable assumptions about how it is likely to be. Yes, you will not know for sure- but you can know 90-95% it will be this way or that way.

    anita

    #116228
    Kathryn
    Participant

    How do i let go of someone that i care so much for i no he only has me in there and when he rings he fills my head up with so much bulls#$t im a soft person with a big heart and I hate hurting people i feel like it will be bad karma on me for making a life decision that is going to hurt someone else, how do i tell him so he will understand and without him thinking its just over the wedding because its so much more than that

    #116232
    Kathryn
    Participant

    I feel so lost and he tells me if i want to go to my sisters wedding or do things that i want to do then im not being a real women and that im being a little girl that wants to go off and do things that single girls do when thats not the case at all, ive been a very good friend/ girlfriend to him but this is destroying me because i cant choose he has a way of making me feel like im a bad person if i want to do even the simplest things he said he trusts me and that he has forgiven me for the past but i dont think that is the case at all i feel lost all of the time,im not allowed friends, i cant even sleep in on a Saturday morning to give him peace of mind so what do i do? Do i tell him im going to.my sisters wedding and he can choose to accept it or not or do i just not go and just do nothing waiting around to live a life with him i no over time if i leave i will heal and eventually get over him but then i no it wont be easy or how long it will take but i also want to see what will become of this as it has been 4 years, i dont no if he is another lesson or another lofty mountain in my way of my dreams and to becomming the person i am destined to be ive been in a relationship before him for 7 years and i left the other guy because he cheated all the time but this guy is loyal ( so he says) do i just leave and if its ment to be he will be mine

    #116244
    Anne
    Participant

    <hugs> He does not get to decide what a “real woman” is. I promise you, you are a real woman. Real women have needs. These needs include family and friendships as well as a romantic partner. I get the strong sense that the universe is challenging you to meet those needs, and not sacrifice yourself on the altar of his ego. The article below may be helpful, too.

    What is Trauma Bonding?

    #116251
    anita
    Participant

    Dear trulatique:

    It reads to me that it will be the right thing for you to end this relationship with the man. He makes you miserable while he is in jail and most likely will do the same when he is out of jail.

    You wrote that you don’t want to hurt him, but he is hurting you. Don’t let him hurt you anymore.

    I understand you had a bad experience before, in your seven year relationship, the guy cheated. But it doesn’t mean that you have to settle for another kind of misery.

    I do wish you end all contact with him and set yourself free. If you can, please attend psychotherapy with a competent, caring therapist who will help you end this relationship and move on to better things, make better choices.

    Do post anytime. I am sorry you are hurting and hope you feel better soon; hope you be good and kind to yourself.

    anita

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