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How to end a friendship with a very possessive and vindictive friend ?

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  • #358182
    Laura
    Participant

    Hi there 🙂

    I think I need help regarding my current situation with my best friend.

    To sum it up, I think she loves me more than I do : I am suffocating in this friendship.

    I no longer think she’s a great, fantastic person because she developed several personality traits that I despise (revengefulness, spitefulness, unmercifulness, bad-mouther, needy …)

    Anyway, I am much more introverted that she is. When she feels like I am getting away form her (let’s say, I make other friends) she cries about it to me telling me how she feels neglected and I feel obligated to comfort her.

    My therapist advised me to slowly fade away and to avoid any brutal confrontation because she will lose her mind otherwise.

    When she thinks someone wrongs her (and she will if I disappear), she can get absolutely nasty and ready to ruin this person’s life, and I bet it will be the same for me. I don’t know what to do 🙁 I am now living 300 km away (thanks to my work). And these last months, I tried to slow down a bit, I try to speak to her as little as possible, but she still plans to visit me this summer, although I don’t want to see her at all. Besides, she pokes me on messenger when don’t answer for too long. What should I do ? I am lost 🙁 Thank you so much

    • This topic was modified 3 months, 1 week ago by tinybuddha.
    • This topic was modified 3 months, 1 week ago by tinybuddha.
    #358258
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Laura:

    “I think she loves me more than I do”-  her behaviors don’t read like love: “possessive and vindictive.. suffocating.. revengefulness, spitefulness, un-mercifulness, bad-mouther”= not love.

    You want to end the friendship with her but you are afraid that if you do, she will get angry at you and ruin your life. Your therapist advised you “to slowly fade away and to avoid any brutal confrontation because she will lose her mind”-

    It is important to assess the danger she poses to you if you end the friendship (or more accurately the hostage situation you are in, where you want to leave but  held hostage by her “revengefulness, spitefulness, un-mercifulness” etc.). In what ways do you think she will ruin your life, specifically?

    (Once you figure out the ways, you can address each one and prevent or minimize the ruin that you are anticipating).

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 1 week ago by anita.
    #358865
    miaim
    Participant

    I can’t tell you how to do it, but I can share how I did it in a very similar situation. It was like an year ago when I finally decided that enough is enough and I can’t deal with a person who used to call me her best friend.

    Feeling of being best friends was never mutual and she was very possessive of me from the begining – my best friend or other friends or my now partner who I just started dating back then were all threats to her. She would call me in the middle of night crying or make a scene if I didn’t pay enough attention to her if there was other people around.

    I tried my best though, I really wanted to be a good friend to her. Maybe because she had made very clear how everyone from friends to lovers had always abandoned her when all she did was love them and I wanted to prove her not all people are bad and not everyone is going to leave her  – i know, i know I had some serious saviour complex. And part of me was scared of what she would do if I would turn out to be one of those people who would ”use her and then leave”.

    For a year I tried to cope with the anxiety after spending time with her or from knowing that I would have to soon spend time with her. I felt anxious to even look at my phone let alone to scroll through social media. Just like you I also talked in therapy about this friendship that was turning out to be very toxic for me – and probably to her too since I started to just ignore her and slowly fading away. There were two times we talked seriously but… those talks made no real difference – she was so controlling and I was so submissive and too scared to really confront her and say that I can’t tolerate the way she treats others and that our moral compasses points in opposite directions.

    If you feel like there is no way to tell her you want to end your friendship you should slowly fade away. Starting from social media – not liking her pictures or anything. Then giving very short replies to messages she sends because she probably will still message you. Not answering to calls. Then unfollow and unfriend her on every platform or at least hide her from your feed. And the most important part ; if you decide to fade away, stay away. I didn’t stay away after the first attempt to fade away and long story short ; I was anxious for several months and felt very lost and wrong. Second attempt was succes, haven’t heard from her for a year now.

    I also had legit fears of her going on a revenge mode to ruin my life. I know she has attempted to do so for people who have wronged her so I was scared that she would do something (we work in a same field and the social circles are small). At least in a year nothing has happened, nothing that I would know of. But then again I have avoided certain people and places and being ”visible”, so yeah.

    I bet your ”best friend” will behave the way she behaves in the future too and eventually other people will see her true character too. So even if she tries to harm you or plot some revenge to ruin your life, in the end there will be others too who will know the truth about her. It might not sound much and it’s not very soothing if she really does do something that ends up hurting you or your life in anyway. But you know the truth and you have the right to tell your side of the story and there will be people who believe you and see what you see.

    Courage to you, what ever you decide to do!

    #360790
    Laura
    Participant

    Thank you for your replies, I am so grateful !!!!

    I love my job, but I am currently drowning in work so I didn’t got the time to answer you properly but I promise I will

    I just wanted to let you know how my situation evolved …

    I tried to distance myself as you advised me and for the past few months, all I felt was relief

    However, I received yesterday 2 longs messages from her in which she seemed to pour her heart out…
    I didn’t have the courage to read them yet entirely (yes, that’s silly) but some sentences appeared in my notifications messages.
    She said she noticed I was fading out. And the tone of her text was kind of solemn.

    She said she really wanted me to think carefully about what I was about to say (because I think that : 1. our friendship is important to her 2.it’s her way to of warning me that if I do anything wrong she will cut me off)

    Since then, I am wrecked with guilt and I felt so anxious I couldn’t sleep last night …
    How do I cope ?
    Do I tell her honestly how I feel ?
    Or do I just say that I am so busy with work (which is absolutely true) that I can not maintain a close relationship with her anymore ?

    I spent the whole day stressing about that … And my therapist can not see me until the 21th of July ☹️☹️

    Thank you so much for your help !! I am so grateful

    #360791
    Laura
    Participant

    I feel like a monster … I don’t know what to do…

    #360837
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Laura:

    “Do I tell her honestly how I feel” Or do I just say that I am so busy with work (which is absolutely true)  that I can not maintain a close relationship with her anymore? I spent the whole day stressing about that… And my therapist can not see me until the 21th of July”-

    – I would tell her, if I was you, something like: I apologize for not replying to you earlier. I am very busy at work and I am very stressed. I will see my therapist later this month and figure out what to do regarding my stress. Until then, I need to minimize my stress and that means, not talking with you for some time.

    When you have the chance, Laura, you are welcome to answer what I asked you in my previous post to you, or bring the topic up to your therapist.

    anita

    #360847
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi Laura,

    She said she really wanted me to think carefully about what I was about to say (because…it’s her way to of warning me that if I do anything wrong she will cut me off)

    Hmmm, that feels a little like a threat, doesn’t it? I like Anita’s suggestion on what to message her, and then I would not contact her again. Take care of yourself; it’s what’s most  important. Let the friendship and the stress go.

    B

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