Hi there,

I’m sensing some codependency on your part. You are looking for comfort, validation, emotional support and love in a one sided manner. She is not reciprocating your level of care, even if she is unstable as a reason. This is a pattern. You push more and more to get what you need, and end up falling down because of it. If she was able to be emotionally supportive, she would be right there with you. You two lack intimacy, the closeness you need for a functional healthy relationship. She told you off for pushing too hard. That says to me you are both clashing in fact ontop of not communicating right. She contradicted herself by telling you she wants to know how you feel but also shutting you out.

I would honestly either set a boundary where you don’t keep reaching out if she ignores you and let go a little OR walk away. If I were in your shoes, I would be running. You are not there to save this person and she cannot save you. All you can do is accept the situation and recognize that your needs are not being met. What you do from there is up to you.

I am in a similar situation as Uncertain certainties. I find myself chasing after my husband. We have been separated for over a year. He does not help me at all financially. He is always out with friends and blowing all of his money at the bars.  He tells me he is busy when I call and that I text too much and if I keep it up, he will block me. He only seems to want to see me on some weekends and that is usually when he is broke and wanting me to foot the bill. When he does see me, he acts totally different to me in person in front of others. Introduces me to people, this is my wife, holds my hand, kind of like a trophy wife to people is what he want’s them to see until he gets ticked at me then I am discarded again and am being punished by his neglect. He does not feel he does any wrong and only cuts me down when I express my feelings.  I feel like this is a form of mental abuse towards me on his part and he can’t seem to make a decision. If I tell him he does not have his priorities in order and doesn’t want any obligations he gets upset and tells me his schedule does not revolve around me and if I think he is going to live back with me and not go to bars when I am work then I have another thing coming because I am not his boss. If I try not to text him, I get anxious wondering what he is doing. If I stay strong and don’t text him at all for days, he will not care because he is having a blast everyday. I won’t hear from him and he is fine with that. Meanwhile, I am anxious, hurt, can’t sleep, can’t concentrate.  I know this isn’t healthy at all. I feel like I am the only one who tries to make things right and keep chasing my husband like Hey, I am over here….don’t forget me….what about me? Then the same weekly occurrence happens. He is never wrong. I feel stuck trying to hold on to a marriage that isn’t growing but can’t seem to move forward. I am 50 now and can’t picture myself starting over and ever thinking of another relationship at my age if this one doesn’t work out. I want this marriage to work but I know it takes both to make it work. I would like some advise.

Dear Terri,

I agree with anita – your husband doesn’t care about you and he isn’t willing to change either. He told you he won’t stop going to bars (is this why the two of you separated?), and that you’re not his boss. Which means he’s not willing to change one iota. You say you would like your marriage to work. But it cannot work if he isn’t willing to compromise at least a bit. And he isn’t and won’t be for quite some time, as it seems…

You’re 50, you still have many years ahead of you, many years that you can enjoy, either alone or in a loving relationship. Or you can waste that time waiting for him to notice you, and in the meanwhile worry, be anxious and hurt, lose sleep, not be able to concentrate etc. So basically, have those remaining years, more likely decades, destroyed by your inability to let him go.

I know it’s easier said than done, and that it’s not easy for you to let him go. If you’d like to explore why it’s not easy and how you can still help yourself, you can start a new topic, as anita suggested, and we can talk about it some more.