Annette, you are grieving now over the loss of something that gave you undescribeable joy and your mind is clouded. In this state, it is best to do nothing and allow time to heal you first. For 10 years, you held this secret in your heart. During this time have you ever wanted to reveal it? If you did not, why would you do this now? For 10 years, you lived this life. Was your conscience naging at you during this time? If not, why would it now?

I cannot either condemn nor condone an affair (or in this case a second relationship) but I can understand that humans possess an infinite spectrum of emotions that are expressed in various ways. You expressed yours in your way. To express it for such a long time is a choice you made, not merely a whim. It IS your life. You do not have to forgive yourself for your life and your experiences. Ask yourself this though: can you stay in your current marriage? For 10 years you had something else that gave you joy, what will give you joy now?

Another thing that resonates with me is this: society has established certain “norms” for behaviors that we are all supposed to follow regardeless of our natural inclinations. This cookie cutter approach is damaging to psyches of those who are not cookie cut. Some people are gay, and society is just now starting to accept them, some people are polyamorous, and society still frowns upon that. Have you considered that you may just be polyamorous? Perhaps a road to healing would be to accept yourself as you truly are, regardeless of society’s accepted “norms.” Look deep within yourself, listen to your heart, and see if you can feel why you choose this life. Within that answer will be the answer of what to do next.

Your husband. This is another matter entirely. This is a man who was “with” you for 24 years but does he really know the true you? It’s not a matter of what you reveal to him now, or how much it will hurt him, it is more of a matter if you can stay with someone who does not know the true you. Ask yourself, what do you want in your heart, what do you want your life to be. When you feel this, and it resonates with peace and relief with you, then take appropriate action, whatever that action may be for you.

What saddens me is that you have to hide your sorrow from those that love you. What saddens me is that you cannot be yourself because you had to hide for so long. What saddens me is that you are still hiding. What saddens me most is that you are not alone in your predicament, there are so many others is this world that are in very similar situations to yours, so many that cannot accept themselves as they are and have to resort of hiding in the shadows instead of shining their light. You cannot change the past, only step into the present and future embracing you as you are.

Hi Annette,
I am sorry for your pain. First I think it would be healing for you to acknowledge yourself on such lessons you have learned from this. Good for you for recognizing what you really value in your life.

I would examine what is the purpose of revealing your affair to your husband. As you noted, it would probably give him and your children great pain. I’ve have heard from therapists that usually the underlying reason to reveal our affairs is to share the burden of our guilt with the partner and that is tremendously selfish. This makes a lot of sense to me.

The other questions you have are how you can forgive yourself and move forward. I believe that until you commit to loving your husband then forgiveness is academic. This probably will take a while and a big internal shift within yourself. Love is a verb. I would think you really need to emotionally let your relationship go before being able to fully move on. You may need to really examine if you can love your husband and that you are able to bring your full self to the marriage. If not then you have some work to do on yourself first.

Metta,
Mark

I question the benefit in revealing the affair to the husband. I agree on owning up to one’s choices and addressing the underlying causes so the affair won’t occur again. I believe that affairs are the symptom of a problem but not the problem itself.

Helen, you seem to be struggling with the larger issue of whether or not that your husband is the right partner for you. You may want to explore who you are right now, where you want to do with your life. This affair may be the wake up call for you to look hard at yourself. I believe this process would be more valuable for you do this on your own rather than counting on your friend or husband. This would be a good time for therapy, walkabout or Eat, Pray, Love or a Vision Quest or other explorations that would help you in uncovering who you are now.

Annette,
I am sorry I was not clear when I referred to that popular book, “Eat, Pray, Love” where the author went off around the world (eat=Italy, pray=India, love=Bali) to find herself after her divorce. My point was that you may need to take off on your own to find yourself as well. Some go around the world, some go on a silent retreat, some go out to the middle of the desert on a Vision Quest, or some just get help from a therapist. Meditation is certainly a great way to do that as well. I do not think it is the only way and it can be combined with other things that will help you find out who you are, what you want, and where you want to go in your life.

I hope that clarifies what I was trying to say.

My “ah ha” experience in my marriage was that I went through a personal growth seminar series (www.wings-seminars.com) which woke me up to myself. I never laughed so much, cried so much or hugged so much in my entire life. I had the most intimacy in my life and it was with a bunch of strangers (men and women). I realized I wanted THAT in my marriage. It turned out that my wife did not and it took two years of counseling for us to come to that conclusion.

It was a very hard decision to seek a divorce but I knew I could not fully live and become the person that I kept suppressed if I stayed married. I could not be the role model of how to take charge of my own happiness for my children.

I still am seeking a life partner and in the meantime I have developed intimate friendships (spiritual, emotional) that I treasure and have enriched my life.

I wish you well on your journey.

Mark

Wow Annette – what a powerful story! One of the problems i think we face in our society is the image that we were designed to be, well, perfect. We often strive for perfection in what we do in life and often end up getting down on ourselves when we fall short of acheiving it.
In truth though, many spritual disciplines stress that perfection is not “the way of this world”. Rather, this world is a staging-ground for constant growth and discovery. The illusion of perfection is, well, it’s an illusion, and many people chase it, unfulfilled, their entire lives.

You’ve learned some hard lessons and they’ve brought you face to face with the daylight between your values (honesty, commitment and truth) and your actions/behavior (totally opposite to your values). Psychologist say that when weact against ourown inner beleifs, it actually destroys our self-esteem, often causin us to engage in more unhelathy behaviour.
But this is no reason to get down on yourself. You are here to learn and grow and it sounds to me like you’ve learned a lot about who want and who you don’t want to be. Now you have the gift of being able to work toward becoming that person and creating the marriage that you really want to have.
Even greater, you are blessed that you still have a marriage to work on and you’re solucky that this is your struggle and that no one else got hurt! What a blessing!!

It obvious won’t be easy for you Annette, but getting down on yourself won’t help. Be honest with yourself. Accept the pain and loneliness you felt that originally drove you to seek external comforts in the first place and practice being accepting of yourself for your mistakes.

As i mentioned above, many say that this world was created as a staging ground for im-perfection ie. as a place to experience the endless joy of growth and discovery. In line with that tradition, in fact your perfection lies in your carrying out that mission – never giving up and always striving to become better and bring more love and goodness into the world.
Good luck to you Annette – we are here for you and we support you! Your work is to practice self-love and acceptance. Only when you accept your mistakes will you be able to grow from them.
“New Beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.” Lao Tzu

Hi Annette,

I am sorry to bring up the past, but in an internet search of how to forgive myself, I came across this valuable website/resource, and your posts.  They really spoke to me.  Maybe you don’t want to talk about it, which I completely understand, but I was wondering what path you chose and how things turned out for you.  Regardless, I wish you well and hope you have found peace and happiness.