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How to forgive

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  • #47600
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I found out yesterday from my partners (or rather, former partners) mother, that all this time when I’ve been home alone, waiting patiently for him to safely return home from working long shifts, he was and has been seeing someone else.

    He was under the impression that he told me. Meanwhile I went and bought and wrapped all the gifts for him and his children, and sat at home most of Christmas day, happily and eagerly waiting for him to come home.

    To say I’m heartbroken is a given, this is not my first song and dance. It seems all the time what happens is I fall in love, get betrayed, learn things from it, grow, rinse and repeat.

    Is this what my life is meant to be? Repeated heartbreak over and over again? I’m trying to fill with hope with the things I’ve learned, and appreciate the good times we once had. There’s a lot of history, and I feel he’s (deep down) a good person, who made a series of bad choices. Unfortunately it hurt me badly, but he is the one (and his kids) ultimately that will have to deal with the repercussions of this mess. He once was my best friend. Such an awful thing. I just wish for people to communicate and be truthful in what you want from the relationship. Such a shame for things to happen like this. It hurts, but I’ll heal.

    #47605
    Eric Schmit
    Participant

    Your not learning or growing, If you keep having to repeat these lessons.

    #47606
    Matt
    Participant

    Boo,

    I’m sorry for the suffering you’re experiencing, and can understand why you’d need help finding forgiveness. Where’s your anger? Where’s your sense of injustice? Sometimes when we have a low self esteem, we almost just shrug and accept that we deserve our lot in life. This, dear sister, is far from the truth. Yes, we get into cycles, but we have the ability to break them.

    For now though, it seems like shock. Instead of “figuring out what happened”, perhaps now is a good time to self nurture. Your heart has been torn, and the heart takes time to heal. What kinds of things do you do to be kind to yourself? Talking with close friends? Taking a bath with candles? Its not that it won’t help to figure out how to stop the cycle from happening, its just that in the middle of grief isn’t always the best time… its too charged, too painful.

    Namaste, sister, may you find your strength.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #47617
    Lyla McLean
    Participant

    Hello, Boo, I think Eric is being too harsh, for what that’s worth. I’m so sorry that you have been hurt this way over and over. Did you have an agreement with your partner that you would tell each other if either of you found yourself attracted to another? Our society is one where betrayal is commonplace. People seem to lack the courage to tell the truth. At the same time I wonder what your partner’s mother’s motive was in telling you. It is not her business. Are you sure she’s telling the truth? Have you talked this through with your partner? My husband cheated and I was furious that he would put my health and even life in jeopardy by having sex with someone else. Go right away and get tested for STDs. A man who loves you will not put your life at risk in this way. people today don’t allow time to really get to know each other before sex becomes part of the picture. In your next relationship make sure you know who you are with. Meet his friends and family and don’t live with someone to whom you are not married because it will cost you financially. This from one who knows.
    I wish you well in the future. There is no need to rush into forgiving unless remorse for the pain has been expressed by your partner. let us know how you get on. I care.

    #47632
    Kinny
    Participant

    My heart goes out to you. I second what Matt and Lyla said. *Even if* you were repeating lessons, the world is so complex and who could possibly learn all the distinctions their first round? There is always a chance to look at things more deeply and with more accuracy. In my personal opinion, if I am bitter then I am not seeing things clearly or with perspective. You don’t seem to need that thought though. 😉

    Kudos to you for exhaling and realizing that sometimes these things happen instead of giving up and thinking limited thoughts like you aren’t getting something. It takes courage to try and try again. There is nothing new under the sun. No matter what you are going through, someone out there in the world or in history has experienced something similiar. You are not alone. Don’t give up hope. In my experience, the search for love is a winding road, and that doesn’t mean you aren’t on the right track.

    Take care of you!

    #47658
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thank you everyone for the kind words.

    Anger does me, personally, no good. It’s healthy and natural in small doses, but if I dwell in anger, I get easily caught in a cycle of negativity. This is my 3rd relationship to end very similarly. I have learned quite a bit, and I do have a lot of feelings of anger, bitterness, and injustice, a lot of ‘How DARE he do this to me!’, I’m just choosing to express that part differently, and choosing to focus on the good parts, which a lot of people like Erik, may not appreciate, and that’s ok. The first, when the one I loved left me, I had a nervous breakdown. The second time, I had moved on too quickly from the first, didn’t take the time for me I needed and it shocked me so bad I didn’t eat (couldn’t eat) anything for a month when he left. Then, I took almost 2 full years, I managed things myself, I learned, I grew, and did what I wanted to do, became an individual that didn’t NEED someone, it switched where I wanted someone to share MY life with. There are lots of things I done ‘right’, but there are lots of things I could have done differently as well, life is a continual lesson, full of ups and downs.

    Then without looking the last partner came into my life. I took my time, didn’t rush. Didn’t move in until we were together over a year, all things that I did completely different from before, with a similar result. Life is full of challenges, I’m not perfect, nor are the people that hurt me. Fear and selfishness cause a lot of bad decisions, and I just have enough faith that this is how it was meant to be. I learned lots of lessons from this relationship, I did a lot of good to help the kids heal and learn to hope and love again, and now, in a way it’s setting me free to heal again. Stress of dealing with someone else children and abusive ex wife and that drama is exhausting, so as much as I hurt, and will miss the kids I loved so much, and him even, I will learn, I will grow, and I will be happy.

    I’m going to sit and have one last conversation with him, hear things from his mouth, in his own words,because I’m not sure why his mother would tell me what she did. She’s experiencing her own tramatic journey so it’s hard to say. Maybe she’s assuming, who really knows. He stated he wants to continue to be my best friend, and I told him that I will reserve that decision for later. That people in my life are ones who speak truth, and have courage, and that if he has neither of those, then no friendship can happen, after any healing is done. He told me before that he doesn’t deserve me, and he may be right, I refuse to be anyone’s doormat.

    Someday, someday I can hope that the ‘Prince Charming’ that’s suited to me, will find me when I least expect it. And we’ll have challenges, and will overcome them together as partners. But for now, I’ll treat myself as well as I can, and enjoy life to the best of my abilities. Much love to you all.

    #47740
    Mark
    Participant

    Hi boo,
    From my experience and studies, we tend to pick our partners unconsciously. They inevitably have the same qualities as the “difficult” parent of ours. I found out that I married my mother, an angry Alpha woman who did not like men. Of course those were not the noticeable (at least to me) behaviors at first.

    I kept repeating this pattern of relationships until I noticed it as a pattern and where it came from. Since then I have consciously worked on my “stuff.” I use the relationships in my life (friends and lovers) as a barometer to my spiritual and psychological health.

    Plus it is the person’s behavior not their words that speak who they are.

    Take care,
    Mark

    #47765
    Cyd
    Participant

    I’m sorry for how you are feeling at this current time and I understand the pain you are feeling. First off, I would like to ask what attracts you to these type of mates? Sit down and write out the similarities (if any) you see in each mate that has done this to you. You also have to do some self reflection to see what you are missing that you feel these people provide for you. I leave you with this question, How much do you love yourself to keep attracting nothing but hurt? I wish you the best through this process of growth and self reflection. With experience comes wisdom. Keep pressing on. 🙂

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