Hi everyone! Thank you for the replies, I honestly really appreciate that. I’m not actually sure how to reply separately and I also think I accidentally reported someone! I am sorry! I am not too good with technology. Please see below replies:
Hi Peter! I think this is exactly what I need, a starting point. I’ll certainly take a look over the link you sent through.

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond!

Hi Anita

The woman I was dating on and off for a year has just ended recently. We were toxic in the sense we were very codependent on each other. She often would lie and was very manipulative, though underneath all that was a good person. A lot of other people noticed the manipulation except for myself this until I took a good step back. She just had two very different sides to her, but I allowed the relationship to continue and always went back to her.

The betrayal was my friend sleeping with her the other night. I emotionally moved on with the amazing girl, but as I said I messed that up by going back to the toxic girl the other week. My friend saw the ups and downs of our relationship, she knew I went back there just the other week. I just feel beyond hurt and betrayed even though I’m still hung up one someone else. I let it take over my emotions and it was all I could focus on. My friend was apologetic and said it was because she thought as far as feelings went that we didn’t have any for each other. I have removed them both from my life at this point.Thankyou for the response so far

Hi Mark

I don’t have much knowledge on spiritual practice but I would like to learn more about it. There’s a link above that I will start on to get exploring!

Thankyou

• This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Curiousgeorge.

Thanks Anita!

I’m not actually sure if work has accepted my resignation or not. They haven’t spoke to me about it, but on the Monday when I resigned they could tell I was down and told me to take the evening off. I tend to be very impulsive, I still think it is a good idea, though I think having a plan may have been the better option. I will see if they discuss it with me this week as today is my first day back with management in.

Ok in regard to the first woman- when we were together, she was very caring, giving, loving. We had our ups and downs but every relationship does. A few months before we ended I told her I wasn’t happy, but she wanted to work on things and I decided the least I could do was try. Anyway, she had started acting differently before we separated, I asked her if there was anything to be concerned about and she said no. I found out about the affair, though not through her. Things were said out of anger but a few weeks later I had said to her I don’t agree with what happened but I understand some people make bad decisions and it doesn’t make them bad people. She is still with the other woman now, though she didn’t take kindly when I moved on.  When I started seeing someone new she changed the locks on the house while my belongings were still in there, made it difficult for me to see my dog, and locked me in a room. Things are much more amicable now, we only communicate when it comes to our dog.

The second woman came along when I was very vulnerable. I jumped into something way too soon because I think I was chasing comfort. She gave me a lot of attention, we would speak for hours a day. She has a habit of lying, even about irrelevant things. She has a very sensitive genuine side that I can connect with, then she has a different side where she switches off and becomes cold and distant. She doesn’t like people saying no to her, about a month ago she did things sexually that I asked her not to, and I know that wasn’t okay and so did she. Yet I still went back there after that.

The third girl , the amazing one, was someone independent, where usually I am with people very reliant of my time and attention. I liked this, though she was closed with her feelings and I took that as her not caring. She moved away as her visa was up, and we were talking every day until she asked if I had been with girl number 2. She was hurt that it was only a few days after she left, and her of all people. She has come around a bit now and said we can try give it ago as friends which I am appreciative to have her in my life one way or another.

I just seem to mess things up for myself when I get scared rather than seeing what happens. I really want to learn to not let things consume me as much as they do. The situation with my good friend was all I could focus on, and just in general rather than accepting things I seem to want to change them.

Thanks Anita. That’s very true, I guess I am the only one who is able to choose the way I let something affect me. It’s just hard in the moment to practice this, logically I know I need to take some time out and calm down but when I’m feeling a certain way I find it hard to step outside of that.

My manager pulled me aside yesterday and said ‘Can I throw your resignation in the bin’. I said ‘I can’t unresign’, and he said ‘well if it’s in the bin I never received it, I told you you’re valued here, talk to me next time don’t just up and leave’. My company is very good to me. I’ve been there for 5 years and they have been very understanding.

In regard to the best friend, she knew it wasn’t over with the ex as she knew I was intimate with her just the other week. I just feel morally I would never go there with a friends most recent ex, or ex in general if there were feelings involved. I want to forgive her, but I just don’t feel I can trust her now. She had been such a good friend to me, as I had been to her, but that’s why I think I can’t move past it, because it hurt a lot. When we spoke about it her apology didn’t seem awfully genuine, it was just reasons as to why it was okay. I’m torn, I understand about the impulsivity side and it’s double standards in a sense, but I just feel hurt.

Wow, you have explained that perfectly! So many people have been trying to make me understand the second woman is not a nice character, but I’ve always seen the good. But the “Sometimes you can see it in the cruelest of people and its amazing to see. But we can’t be in a relationship with every person because of that side”. That really made sense to me, thankyou. It’s almost the people with a very questionable side are often the one to give more chances to, because when you see the good in them you almost justify it by saying ‘underneath all that they are a good person’. Which she is, but sometimes that doesn’t make them right for my life.

The third is occasionally responding, she’s taking her time, but I’m just happy to have her apart of my life and see where it goes. She’s set on a friendship but who knows, I guess time will tell. Do you have any suggestions on how to work on fear and impulsivity? I have thought about meditation, perhaps a retreat for a few days.

Thanks again for the message

Update: I’ve back tracked. I don’t know why I did it but I messaged the toxic one and asked if she had seen or spoke to my best friend since. She said both. I said I thought after them saying sorry and realising it hurt me that I was surprised, and she said what did I expect when I had blocked them both and didn’t want them in my life. I guess I just assumed that they would try repair the damage after saying sorry and not continue it. Either way I know I need to let it go and I font know why I let it consume me again.

THEN, I sent a message to the special one, a long message along the lines of saying I know I have hurt you and I know it’s a long shot, but would she consider giving us a go. Apologised for the hurt I caused and that we have the potential to be something special. It’s like I’m setting myself up to fail because she has told me before it was over each attempt. She hasn’t read it yet due to the time difference as she’s now back home in another country

THEN, I ordered 6 roses to her house and it said:

You’re all kinds of beautiful, from the inside out, that I’ve never seen before. “Into my life, larger than life, beautiful, you strolled in” C.A. Duffy

It’s like as soon as things go bad I shift my attention somewhere else. I know my feelings are genuine with her, but I seem to invest more time and fight for something as soon as I have time to think. I think maybe a combination of both the situations have got me down and I’m constantly focusing on one of the two.

I want to respect her wishes, and clearly I’m not doing that by sending flowers or a long message.

Hi again Anita!

Yes I certainly won’t be starting any relationships until I invest a lot more time in myself first.

The best friend wanted to talk about it face to face. I said I don’t think it’s a good idea as I don’t particularly know how I will react to certain things. She said let’s just talk, you go first, and then I’ll speak and we can go from there. So she came over, I just said I felt betrayed, and then more betrayed that she continued it regardless of a title of a friendship. I said that she wanted to repair the friendship, and when you hurt someone, the same actions don’t indicate you want to fix them to me. She said she will stop talking to her if that’s what I want. I said I would never tell someone who they can or can’t speak to, morally I would have assumed you wouldn’t but at the same time that’s my morals not yours. She apologised, and said she wanted one too because I said hurtful things. I said I can’t apologise because I believe what I said I meant, I did feel betrayed and I did feel hurt, and I’m entitled to have those feelings. She said if I can’t apologise she’s done , so she left.

I agree with you that I need to let them both go. In regard to the amazing one, I’m finding that hard. I’m not getting much back though and I need to accept it and move on.

Thankyou for the suggestions, I will start investing my time into more positive things to help myself. I had a good sleep! No sleepwalking, and I didn’t wake up through out the night much. I still do need to take my sleeping tablets because I will withdraw if I stop completely, but I am aiming to spend a few nights a week without one and gradually reduce now that I know I can 🙂