August 27, 2013 at 2:29 am #41233Swan DParticipant
It has been almost 6 weeks since I recieved the email that ended my last relationship. I was shocked by it, was not expecting it, as it came the morning after we were intimate – he gave no clues that he would end the relationship about 8 hours later. Then he turned off his phone and left the country on a business meeting. I was absolutely devastated. When he returned, he wanted to talk but by then I was angry and refused and asked for my belongings back. He gave them to a friend to give to me which added to my frustrations. He then decided to cut off all ties completely (removing me from social and business networking sites). I guess I understand that this is his way of moving on. But I feel so much anxiety constantly, and wonder if it will ever get better? I am consistently ruminating about him. I had/have a feeling there was someone specific that had to do with the ending of our relationship and feel that I am have become addicted to checking their “social” activity just to see if there’s any signs of truth to it… I almost think it would be the closure I am looking for, perhaps?
I just need to feel some peace, some relief from this burning in my stomach and chest at the thought of him (and her)… and also would like the ruminations to be gone. I have tried meditating but thoughts of him interrupt and then overtake my mind sometimes.
Also, something that is making this very confusing for me is that I almost never had complete peace about the relationship, it wasn’t the best… so I don’t understand why 6 weeks later I’m still feeling so much pain, rejection, and abandonment. How can I feel peaceful again?
Thank you.August 27, 2013 at 3:18 am #41235JillCParticipant
I am in the same place that you are. It’s been six weeks for me too. Also, seven weeks since I lost my job. You are asking for help and I’m certainly in no position to give advice. The only thing I have to offer is that you are not alone in this. Others, such as myself, are feeling the same pain of rejection and abandonment. Like you, I felt for a long time that our relationship was not “right”. I had developed such a feeling of attachment to him and didn’t want to hear what my gut and my instincts were telling me. Now, I am in the process of detaching. Letting go – of the expectations I had, the hopes for a future together, the hopes that the passion would return. It’s so difficult. It hurts so much at times that I wonder if I’ll climb out of this black hole I’ve dug for myself. I try to remember that it wasn’t a waste of time and that I’ve learned things about myself and about boundaries and listening to my gut. I’ve learned that it’s not a good idea to invest so much in a relationship when I am not getting my own needs met. Seems like something I should have already known at 63 years young. Apparently not. I’ve found, for me, that writing down my feelings helps some. I just take pen in hand and start writing – about anything and everything. It’s almost as if I’m having a conversation with someone else and in the re-reading, feel I have learned something new. Also, I started walking every day – one foot in front of the other. I walk for a few miles and find I feel less anxious and despondent when I return. Small things. I remind myself constantly that he wasn’t meant to be mine – or he would be. I’m also trying to believe that perhaps I had to experience this because there are lessons in it. I’m sure there are. I wish you peace, Swan.August 27, 2013 at 4:12 am #41236MattParticipant
I’m sorry for the loss you’ve been through, and the way it was done was certainly odd and uncomfortable. Relationships ending are rarely pleasant, and its really no wonder this one has left you spinning. When I read your words, a few things came to heart.
The first is that I really like how you’ve noticed that your mind has been difficult to settle. You said you have tried to meditate, but you get pulled into thoughts. That is normal, and the ruminations of the mind take concentration to let go. With continued practice, they do untangle.
If you can take it one step further, perhaps you’ll find some release from the pain of it. You’ve tried, and failed, to let go of the mental spinning. It as though your mind is on autopilot! Notice how much suffering is there with the spinning! Ouch!
Now, even though you had the intention of letting the spinning go, your mind stepped in and pushed back. That is normal, and actually so normal that many people don’t even notice it. Instead, they just fall into the negative thinking, which creates actions from the spinning. It seems exactly what happened to your Ex. You both noticed the relationship wasn’t great, but for whatever reason, his spinning pushed him to act like a doofus. Said differently, the same force which prevents your mind from settling in meditation is the same force which moved him to breakup with you so uncaringly. He might not even be aware of it, but its there.
Seeing this allows us to connect to our basic humanity, where we don’t blame people for acting without love, without caring. As much as you’d like to hold him accountable for the way he jumped ship, there is a part of you, compassion under the ruminations, that knows he has only done what he’s done because of his issues. Those issues bring him pain, just as yours bring you pain, so as you try to lash out at him in anger, it increases the strength of the ruminations.
Instead, we can let it go. Yes, there is pain from his lack of caring, but that pain is enough. It doesn’t have to be blamed on anything or anyone, because we all fall victim to the cycles in our mind. The good news is that they are impermanent, and fade as we connect to that basic humanity. You can strengthen that connection by wishing him well. “For whatever reasons you treated me in such a way, and for whatever reasons my mind spins, I forgive both of us, and wish that we find love and light on our journeys.” Blame only agitates the mind, because in blaming others we are blaming ourselves. Namaste.
MattAugust 27, 2013 at 7:20 am #41246KimParticipant
It’s been 5 weeks since my breakup. And I am also in no place to give advice but to also let you know what you are feeling is normal. While there are days I feel OK, there are others that knock me to my knees and make me also wonder if I’m ever going to move on from this. I’ve analyzed, read, researched everything about heartbreak and moving on. I’ve even tried to go out on a few dates thinking it would help me to just force myself into accepting it’s done and over. JillC, this comment of yours is exactly how I feel “I had developed such a feeling of attachment to him and didn’t want to hear what my gut and my instincts were telling me. Now, I am in the process of detaching. Letting go – of the expectations I had, the hopes for a future together, the hopes that the passion would return.” Detaching is very difficult for me. I’m trying to look take the viewpoint that he is now in my past, that part of my life is closed, and the “future” I had envisioned wasn’t real…it was just a story I created in my mind. The thoughts of him dating (which he is) tear me apart. I have no idea what he is feeling or thinking…and I don’t need to know that if I am going to move on.August 27, 2013 at 9:01 am #41261JohnParticipant
I have been there and still am to some degree. Some things in life we never get over, we just learn to accommodate them into our life. I do believe some of the people in our past relationships fall into that category. When I was young, folks use to say there are too many fish in the sea to sweat the loss of one of them. But we are older now and some of those fish have been extremely important in our lives.
I can tell you six weeks is not nearly enough time to process this loss. Six months maybe. Until that time comes and it will come, try to forgive. Undoubtedly there were issues that both of you contributed to. Forgive yourself and forgive the other person.
I read a book recently called The Four Agreements by Ruiz. For me, it was transformational. I realized thru this book that nothing anyone does is because of me. It is the other person working thru their dream, their perceptions. Not mine.
Your emotional stability will return, but loving the other person in a different way, forgiving yourself and forgiving them is crucial to this stability.
Don’t deny the pain, it is real. But it will pass and maybe there are, really, more fish in the sea.
Peace be with you.September 8, 2013 at 9:38 pm #41900MacintoshParticipant
I have recently been dealing with something similar, albeit, not a ‘relationship’ but a close friendship that involved a lot of emotional feelings. My ‘friend’ suddenly did a 180 on me and it’s been hell at times, trying to figure out the why’s and how’s of it all on my own. He isn’t communicating much, and avoids any honest type of conversation, leaving me in the dark.
For months I’ve had an emotional roller coaster of pain, anger, confusion and each day I push myself to google and read as many articles online as I can about how to get over it all and accept things.
All I can say is, time is on your side. And it does take time. Journal your feelings daily, it helps relieve the pain. Have that cry, it helps your heart heal. Everything is a process and happens as it should.September 8, 2013 at 10:52 pm #41904KikiParticipant
I really can relate to what you are going through. I was in a relationship that from the beginning I knew wasn’t right. He was super attractive and very nice & all, but literally, we were not right for each other. However, I tried really hard to make it work, be a good girlfriend etc, and then I just gave up. I broke up with him, but he begged me to take him back. Suddenly a month later, he went out of town and never called me when he got back. I was devastated. Even though I broke up with him first, and the whole time I knew it was not a long-term viable relationship, I felt like SHIT! I was a mess. I felt like a failure. I felt rejected and I was SO MAD!
However, once I accepted the fact that it was over, I started volunteering. I went to the local animal shelter and volunteered to walk/run the dogs they had there. I also started an internship in addition to my job so I would be fully booked and not have time to think about the ex. It was really hard, especially since I had to drive by his work every day to get to mine, and it took a long time to get over him. Someone told me, “you grieve for at least half the length your relationship was” ie: you were with him a year, give yourself 6 months, but it took me at least 75% of the length of our relationship until I got to the point of really being like…oh!..not sad anymore..& haven’t been for awhile either 🙂
I’m sorry you’re hurting, but know that you are loved and you are worth loving. Sending you virtual hugs >—-( ‘ ‘ )——<September 9, 2013 at 4:53 pm #41970KinnyParticipant
I remember when my fiance cheated on me while I was on a month long business trip, I agonized over why and how it all came about. When I got back, I didn’t demand an explanation or apology from him because I figured no matter what the problem was, cheating wasn’t the answer. I bring this up because you can’t control what other people do, but you can control if you obsess over it or not.
Trust me, my breakup was very public and humiliating, but what I learned the hard way is that for me, talking doesn’t resolve feelings. The best advice a friend gave to me was, “Well, what do you need in order to get over it?” I wish I invested more time in figuring that out instead of trying to figure out someone who was acting on their weak, cowardly or human side was thinking. No matter what your ex’s reasons are, you still need to figure out how to cope in a productive way. Pretend his reasons don’t matter, because they don’t. People who are meant for you don’t treat you like that. A year after my break up, I met someone who put him to shame. You never know. Plus, if you get over him and he doesn’t want to be with you, you are on an even playing field; Or you could get over him and he could come back and realize it was a mistake. Either way it’s in your best interest to invest in figuring out what makes you happy.
I recently read the book called Do One Thing Different by Bill O’Hanlon which I found very helpful.
There is a french saying for good luck and have courage: Bon Courage!