February 27, 2014 at 6:13 am #51900
I am at a crossroads in my life.. wow, typing that felt weird, but it’s true. Opportunities for change (moving out of the state, job changes, etc.) have presented themselves and am unsure of which path to take.. stay secure and comfortable, or go and explore while I still can. I feel compelled to venture. My partner and I have been together for 5 years, no pets, children or home commitments.. Both in our late 20s. Anyways, we’ll call him S. S is wonderful, caring and beyond giving. S treats me as anyone would hope to be treated. I love S with all my heart and that makes this contemplation all the harder. Within the last couple years, our passion (..in conversations, physically) has dwindled, and I think due to our such close friendship, stability and comfort zone, we have both stayed. I can visibly see fear of change on S’s face when I bring up any kind of travel or time spent apart. Maybe I am also terrified of change, but am planning to rock the boat. S has made it clear a marriage between us is what he sees, as can I.
BUT. I am having major doubts prompted by our lack of physical intimacy (sex is not everything in a relationship, I know this, but it something that we just don’t do, and when we do it’s painful and not enjoyable for me.. I miss having a healthy sex life), depth in conversations (I need to be turned on thru conversation and challenged in ideas, this never happens…) and overall feelings that S is the best I can do so I should just be happy with what I have and learn to deal with the needs that aren’t being met. Settling for a more platonic relationship vs. an intimate one is a very real possibility here, because S is my best friend, and maybe I should just be content with what I have, instead of wanting more.
S knows a bit of how I feel. But is unaware that I am feeling a need for space, change and time to sort all of this out. The last thing in the world I want is to hurt S; I do however see by thinking of S first and not tending to my own feelings, I am hurting myself and feel stunted. Am I wanting too much? To have friendship, passion and a partner in life? Has this relationship run it’s course for now and I should move on? Is it time to leave?
Any thoughts here, much appreciated.February 27, 2014 at 11:11 am #51921MarkParticipant
You have written your own wisdom for yourself here. You stated you need space, change, time to tend to your own feelings.
I am very much aware of the danger of the “shoulds” in our lives. I was reading an old Tricycle magazine left at my auto service/dealer waiting room today. The interview with Charlotte Joko Beck where she counsels people to make 3 lists; one to answer “As a small child, what I was trained to be … “, “Right now as an adult, what I require myself to be … ” and lastly, what negative emotions are behind List #3? You find out that out of List #1 drives our “shoulds” in List #2 which reveals the suffering as we do List #3.
Listen to your heart. Love yourself. Your loving kindness toward S will not change if you do. You are not honoring his maturity, resilency, wisdom, and strength if you live your life out of fear what you “do” to him.
MarkFebruary 27, 2014 at 5:36 pm #51954
Thanks Mark. Couldnt agree more.
Olivia – you know the answer. You dont need us to offer any help. Lots of love and happiness, JMarch 1, 2014 at 7:36 am #52050
Thank you, Mark and J – I have been thinking about this over and over for a while, so I guess deep down, the answer is there. I see it, and feel the change pulsing and the pull to make a move. I am just scared to leave such a comfortable and stable place. Losing a best friend and uprooting my life.
Would you have any thoughts on how to deal with S’s response? S usually shuts down, wont talk and sometimes even lashes out in anger. When this happened last year and we broke up for a couple months, I returned home to see a hole in a door, from a punch, and also pages from my journal wrinkled and tampered with. I found that when I saw S so upset and sad and at times crying, it put myself in pain; therefore rethought everything I felt and had just expressed verbally, to make S feel better.
Outside looking in, it’s like I lose the strength that I’ve been built up, when I see the pain on his face.
I’ve been trying to find a more grounding in my yoga practice and truly focusing on listening to my inner self, but I hear chatter; over-thinking and over-analyzing are daily struggles for me so going back and forth on what to do swirls in my head like a whirlpool.
It’s so hard to love myself right now. I feel so horrible about my feelings, and how my choices are going to crush someone I love.March 2, 2014 at 1:15 am #52066
When you are making a life changing decision, the foremost person of concern is self only. Unfortunately, all our loved ones are interlinked with us somehow and someone or the other is bound to be hurt in the process whether we like it or not.
As for “S”, he deserves to know the truth about your feelings and your desire to move on to experience life. If the love is true between the two of you, you will come back together eventually. However, to avoid hurting him or causing a rage in him, you cant run away from this situation.
There are many ways of doing this but I will share the one that i have used in the past. Have some family support around and let someone close know that you will be moving on from “S”. This is to protect yourself. If there are no safety concerns, send heaps of positive energy to “S” before you discuss the topic and go openly into the conversation.
Sending you heaps of unconditional love and positive energy. Divine light is with you wherever you choose to go and whatever you choose to do.
JMarch 11, 2014 at 3:14 pm #52645
I am not sure who will reply to this – it has been a week. I confronted S and was welcomed with anger. I expected it. S states that bc I watched my parents both divorce and remarry quite a few times that I am subject to negativity towards getting married and starting a family… and that my inner doubts are fueled by my upbringing and what I know.
We live together. And am planning to make a 12 hour journey home to my parents tomorrow or the next day. I am very torn up. Obviously rethinking my decision and trying to justify my choice to leave and not return. I believe in my gut I need this break but it’s hard to focus. He says “what am I supposed to do now?”
If anyone is out there who can relate to this situation I would much appreciate it.March 13, 2014 at 8:09 pm #52762
Good on you for listening to your gut. If you wont listen to yourself, who will ?
You are on your own journey and S is on his own journey. Do what is right for you and you alone even if may feel like there is no one out there to support or empower you. When you are able to quieten down your mind a little and just observe the experiences and situations pass in front of you (just like how a video camera records a film but never questions or opposes any take), all answers that you seek will appear from your inner self. Have faith.
May the positive force be with you. You are worth it.